I can’t believe I finally subscribed to the Straight Dope! I have been lurking for many years and just now got the guts to take the plunge. No, I’m not drunk, I’m just so curious to finally see the other side to this board. Please take it easy on me at least for a little while! I have never posted on a message board before.
Thanks everyone for providing countless hours of entertainment!
I hope I can make a worthy contribution to the place I love to spend so much time!
Welcome. I hope you brought pie. You were supposed to bring pie.
Welcome! I hope you enjoy your stay.
Many boards have traditions of hazing newbies, but we would never do anything like that.
Just go down the hall and wait in the first door on your left.
Oh, sorry if it’s dark in there, the light bulb may be out.
Welcome aboard.
And admit it – you’re really here for the goat.
Hello, and welcome aboard! Here, do you want a sandwich while you wait for the party to start? I swear that’s mayonnaise on there. Honest.
LOUNE! Get in here man, we got a live one!
Ahem. I mean, welcome aboard. Feel free to explore the place and whatever you do, don’t eat the sandw…
You like squid?
ETA: Google add is fitting…
UNDO CIRCUMCISION DAMAGE!!!
Welcome!
Hi there! It’s about time! Sheesh…
Howdy!
(I hear there’s pie? I like pie.)
Welcome, welcome! Want some ice cream? It’s only got a little bit of garlic in it.
Thank you everyone for the warm welcomes. I am excited that the characters I’ve grown to love and hate are actually responding to little ol’ me! Such bliss!
Sorry I forgot the pie, but I am willing to try any unusual substances, hide in any dark rooms, perform strange rituals with goats, and any thing else you might conger up. Everything seems like cake compared to actually posting on the board with minimal grammatical errors. 
So… am I to understand that there’s no pie? 
Welcome!
But you must bring the pie. It is imperative that your return heralds the joint arrival of pie. I’m not going to say that there could be dire consequences should you forget, but there may be ominous repercussions if it slips your mind.
Also, do not look the goat directly in the eyes. He will take it as a challenge, and your initiation will just be that much harder. It’s best if you just go limp.
Enjoy your stay with us!
Welcome BtB
I lurked for a number of years before I gathered the nerve to join. I loved to read the posts, but I was terrified to join the conversation 'cause “those way smarter than I am” folks would eat you alive just for misspelling something!
Then I discovered all I had to do was bring pie. They like pie.
I will accept cake in lieu of pie, but only if it’s chocolate.
P.S. If anyone offers you pie of lieu, don’t accept it.
Between the Bars…
We’ve been waiting for you.
Welcome. Don’t be scared. Despite posted photos and tales of real life meetings, we’re all figments of your imagination.
You might want to talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds…
Yes, definitely do this. You may need more.
Eventually you’ll get a key to the Executive Washroom. Eventually.
My legs are still crossed.