Finally last night I got serious about forecasting the upcoming elections. I hunkered down and brought out the chilled beer, astrology manuals, ancient parchment, chaldean numerology references, Dinky and Shelly; lit the candles and started off.
Elections are scheduled in November 2020. Sun is in Taurus, Saturn in Pisces, and Mars is hunkered down in Aquarius. Mercury is retrograde, while the shadow lagrangians are in houses 2 and 7 respectively. Lord of the Ascendant is in house 8, aspecting house 1, 5 and 9. He casts a malevolent gaze on the Lord of 6, who is meekly hiding in house 12. Saturn meanwhile is looking directly at house 3, where Jupiter is located, which cannot possibly go well for Old Jove. With Jupiter in conflict with Saturn, and the snake head planet trying to swallow retrograde Mercury, Mars aspecting the Lord of 7 using his 3rd, 5th and 11th aspects, the Sun sitting tight in unfavorable Taurus looking askance at Saturn, a solar eclipse and a couple of lunar eclipses scheduled in the months before… the astrological situation is rather complicated, and foreshadows misery, general inauspiciousness, and all-round unhappiness.
Using sophisticated Chaldean numerology techniques, I calculated the 3rd derivative of the election differential equation, which foretells the numerological sum of the new President’s name. The result was 42. Not good.
I began to feel a tightness in the chest and a sense of foreboding. However, the job needed to be done.
I took the tarot cards and laid them before Dinky, my tarot parrot who specializes in picking the exact card for the occasion. She listened patiently while I explained the purpose to her. Then she looked at me mournfully for several moments - unusual, because she usually squawks her head off in excitement. Then she left her perch, picked out a card, returned back to her swing, and… went belly up. Dead as a stone. Poor Dinky. The assignment killed her. The card she drew was ‘Swamp Bear’ which lives in the swamp, while pretending to hate it.
I was getting more and more uneasy, but there were two more things to do.
My astrology turtle Shelly. Quiet, happy, and an expert election card-picker. I placed the cards before him and offered him a large leaf. He took a huge bite and promptly withdrew into his shell, his tiny tail wagging furiously. Refused to pick a card! Inauspicious omen!
One last thing to do. I took out the Chinese calendar, and holy cow, 2020 is the Chinese Year of the Golden-Haired Mountain Goat!
Ladies and gentlemen, the next President’s gonna be… :eek: