Well, this may be a bit over the top, but you could always kill the dude.
Then you can wear his face as a mask and get inside the house unnoticed.
This would give you an excellent opportunity to smell each of the girls underwear in an effort to discover which is right for you.
You could pretend to be the used cock ring collection guy. Just get a box of all your old, worn out cock rings, and knock on the door. If they ask who you are just say “Cock ring warehouse, collecting your used cock rings”. Surely they will have several for you. Start up a casual cock ring related conversation, and see where it goes from there. Be sure to take your blowgun with you in case you need to make a hasty retreat.
:tsk tsk:…Oh, dnooman…always so close to knowing who to kill, and yet so far. Here’s how you get it done:
Step one: Murder their mailman. Take his uniform and mail bag. Keep the mail that should’ve went to the house in question, but otherwise complete the rounds for the day to alleviate suspicion.
Step two: Repeat for several weeks.
Step three: Steadily learn all you can about these girls via their mail. Much can be learned by the catalogs they receive. Victoria’s Secret? They’re whores. Bed, Bath & Beyond? They’re whores. Who like beds. Sharper Image? They’re rich whores.
Step four: Put your newfound knowledge to work. Since you’ve probably discovered by now that they’re whores, go to the door and tell them that you’ve got a “special delivery” for them. Make sure to raise your eyebrows suggestively when doing this. Don’t you worry…they’ll get the hint.
If not, I suppose you can always kill everyone in the house. Make sure there are witnesses…that way they’ll just say the mailman did it.
Get a laser pointer and aim it through the windows. Once she’s good and scared, shoot out a window with a rifle, making sure not to hit her. Then run in and rescue her from the sniper. She’ll never know it was really you, and she’ll melt into your arms.
Okay, the movie chicks are out, they were really cool, but I sort of embarrassed myself. I got overly excited and tried** El Cid Viscoso’s ** advice. Unfortunately I read it too quickly and confused the order of events. So one of them caught me putting my own poop on their lawn. I thought quickly and explained that I was simply removing it from the sidewalk for all the pedestrians, but I feel like se’ll always just see me as the guy who carries poop in my bum.
But that’s okay, I found a new girl. I saw her through the window at a vet’s office. She was really cute, short and blond, with nice curls. It took me two days of watching her from my car to formulate a plan. This hasn’t been too bad because inbetween where she works and where she lives is a KFC, yum! All I needed was a pet that I could take in, then that would give me a reason to start talking with her.
My apartment is too small for a dog, so I went out and took a cat. Did you know that there are tons of cats out there!? I couldn’t believe it, they’re everywhere. Anyways, he cute, and meows a lot. I’ve named him Sir Rasputin the Spock! The exclamation point is part of his name.
Now unfurtunately he appears to be a pretty healthy cat, and I can’t bring myself to harm him myself on purpose (all you guys were pretty silly advising that I kill people, what do you think I am? Crazy?). But if some “accident” were to befall him then I wouldn’t feel guilty.
I tried leaving the stovetop burners on, but after a whole day it got to be too expensive. Then I thought about a story I read in the paper about Nstar electrocuting dogs.
I need some more advice. The cat doesn’t like to be on the leash, so I’ve had to resort to walking around town and dropping him on random covers then proceeding to the next one. It’s sort of tedious, but I don’t know what else to do. Do you guys know how to make a cat walk on a leash? Or where there are some killer manhole covers?
Any other advice is sought for ways to meeting this girl as well! Thanks again guys.
babysweets, you’re missing a crucial element here: catnip. Personally I’ve found my cat will do just about anything for catnip. Just lightly sprinkle some on the edge of a bathtub of scalding hot water, or perhaps behind the back wheel of your car (or bicycle, as it may be), and you should be golden.
Just say that you have pet lice living in your hair and you accidentally shampooed with RID or something. You’re concerned about your pets and would like her to make sure they’re OK. Bonus: She’ll be touching your hair! When she gives you her diagnosis, tell her that you would like to check her for intestinal parasites; instant anal!
I know someone who met this crazy girl and she dragged him to the chemist to buy an enema shortly after meeting, with the infamous words “You can watch me buy it but not apply it.”
Needless to say she’s gone down in history as crazy ibs girl. 
dude, you gave us the solution to your problem yourself. It is right there under your nose. Yes, that’s the fried chicken smell you are getting right now. Go to the KFC, buy a bucket and rush to the vet’s emergency room. Cry like all get out about your little Mr Peeps who accidentally jumped into your frier, and ask if they can do anything about it. She will be devastated about having to give you the bad news. That makes them vulnerable to your advances. (and if they manage to save Mr Peeps, then you know she is a real keeper. She should be able to do wonders for Mr Little BBS2K)
You got the sequence all wrong. You should have masturbated outside their window and left your hardcore bondage porn there, wrapped in a ribbon, with a card and your name and number. It’s win-win. Either you get a date, or imprisoned – which means you won’t face embarassment in the community.
bigbabysweets2000, I can’t speak for all women, but I know I really like it when men who are interested in me send me pictures of their genitalia. (but not shaved, you’re not a ten-year-old boy, for god’s sake) You know how men complain that women are hard to figure out? Well, it cuts both ways. Signals from men can be hard to read too! We go through that whole “is he flirting, or just out-going and like this with everyone?” angst too. But a nice bold picture of your cock, that gets your message across without any ambiguity.
Whatever you do, though, don’t put the photos in their mailbox without postage. That’s a crime.
Dude, I have your solution.
Go out to a buffet, like one of those all you can eat joints. Chinese might be a bit overboard though. Anyways, here’s what you do. Clean the cat’s litterbox. Dude, shut up! Just do it! Ok, put fresh cat litter in it. What? You…aaargh! Go to the store and buy some. Jeez! Ok, now poop in the cat box. Make it big. Do the wiping and such at an actual toilet. Cats don’t like to use TP. Ok, make sure the cat doesn’t poop in the litter box. I don’t know, lock him in the closet or something, you never use that vacuum anyways. Next day go to the Vet and say “Sir Rasputin the Spock! made a huge doody! Are his poopy parts ok?” Make vague references to large things and small orifices throughout the examination. When she assures you that your cat’s anus is intact, express doubt. Tell her that even though the Vet says one thing, you trust her more than anyone (or some sort of other BS).
If she seems dismissive, wait for her in the parking lot with that 1960’s Batman style net, and toss her in your trunk. The rest is academic.
If she seems receptive, ask her what her favorite charity is so that you can make a donation in her name to it. When she replies say “Get out! That is also my favorite charity! Are you a super platinum member?” Since this means nothing at all, she will say no. Ask her to have a coffee sometime (if her nipples get hard, just ask if she wants to do it, it saves a step). At the coffee shop you have various options, “wanna see my hybrid car?” “I bet I can drink more Kahlua than you!” “I’ve never seen a women’s restroom, could you show me?” and the ever popular “Is that a real Monet? drop roofie into latte”. The best is to ask her if she wants a refill because you love hearing about her “desire to revive skunks that have been hit by cars” then you go to the barista (another term for coffee getter) and say that “My fiancee needs to have her medecine with hot liquid, could you blend this in?” Hand the dude two roofies. He might wink at you, because he does it himself.
Once you have her unconscious in your car, …uh…Duuude! You were gonna DO stuff to her! You sick freak! Leave her body at the local fairgrounds and head home, making sure to kill a pizza delivery guy on the way (wearing his skin of course). The next day, poison the mailman, and put a knife in his hand. Leave the pizza guy skin next to him, along with a ton of random coupons just to keep the cops guessing.
Man, you really messed this thing up! Where did you get such a stupid idea?
This thread is better suited for IMHO.
I’ll move it for you.
Cajun Man
for the SDMB