I’ve no good words. Just know that for every expression of sympathy here, there’s at least ten others and more who feel it and can’t say it. That network of compassion is part of what your children live on as.
I am so sad after reading the OP. My good thoughts and prayers go out to you and your wife.
My deepest sympathy to you and your wife and your families. May God bless and heal you during this time of grief. You are in my prayers.
i send condolences, and sympathy.
I’m sorry and I know that isn’t enough. Nothing will be enough. Those who told you that you needed to see your babies were right. I needed to see my daughter after they found her body. It helped somehow. I had to argue with them!
I’m at work reading this and what you wrote had me sobbing so that I couldn’t function at all.
There is a group called the Compassionate Friends for people who have lost children, you may one day want to contact them. I’m a loner and that’s an understatement so I only went to one meeting. The literature they had was helpful and they have a good website where you can find some help as well.
Take care of each other.
My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
{{{{ zut & Mrs zut }}}} I am so sorry for your loss. You will both be in my prayers.
It hurts now and while I wish I could tell you that one day it won’t hurt at all anymore I can’t. But I can tell you that the hurt does ease with time. Seeing the babies was a good idea (IMHO) at least it was for me, that way I had no questions haunting me of maybe she wasn’t really dead, maybe someone stole her (strange, but I have heard of parents going through hell with those types of thoughts)
Take it easy on yourselves, if it helps to talk about them then do so, do whatever helps you both to heal.
If you or your wife need a shoulder/ear feel free to email me at dkohb@yahoo.com
This is the only time in 3 years I can ever remember a post making me misty-eyed. For what it’s worth from a stranger, my sympathies are with you and your wife in your time of grief. May the coming days and months be a loving and healing time for the both of you.
tunabreath was right about the need to actually see the children. My grandmother lost a child at birth, and almost seventy years later she still speaks of it from time to time. They didn’t give her a chance to see it, and she still wonders why it died. She thinks my grandfather saw the child, but even he never said for sure.
I never had children, so I can’t even imagine your loss. but I am so sorry and I will include you in my prayers.
Zut and Babs, I can not even imagine what it must be like to have the problems you bear. What I can tell you is that I, and mine, wish the best for you and that our thoughts will be with you. This is an area of our lives which has never caused us any problems(it seems every time we turn around we’re pregnant again). As much of a pain in the butt as our kids can be we still love them dearly and I can’t imagine life without them. I hope things work out for you all. I can’t imagine anything I could DO to help, but if there is anything, please don’t hesitate to let me know.
Steven
Again, thank you everyone for your responses. My wife had a chance to read this thread, and she appreciates them, too. Now that I have the time, let me respond to a few of them:
Cranky and Persephone: Thank you for the MichiDope invite. I tend to be relatively private IRL, so I’ve never considered attending before. However, I’m reconsidering, so do keep me posted. Whether I attend or not, I do appreciate the offer extended.
hedra, zoogirl, Ayesha, Primaflora and others who shared a little of their own stories: Thank you for letting us know (on a personal, as opposed to acedemic level) that other people have gone through this before.
Dracula: I believe that this is the first time someone’s posted their first post in one of my threads. Thank you and welcome.
DeepFried: I hope that this doesn’t neccessarily dissuade you from trying IVF. I mean, pregnancy in general carries risks, so you’ve got to go in with your eyes open, but plenty of people have had great success with IVF.
Howard Juneau and PunditLisa (and others): After thinking it over a little, I don’t really think I feel so guilty (as you might think from the Numbers 14:18 reference). It’s just that, when I was writing yesterday, it seemed like the world would make more sense if it were someone’s fault that the twins died. Since it wasn’t their fault, then it must be mine. I know it seems sort of silly, but at the time it was comforting to imagine that there was a sensible cause-and-effect at work.
zoogirl and Primaflora and The Great One: The hospital staff did indeed suggest a naming ceremony, which we actually went through yesterday afternoon. You’re right; it did sound weird, but it was immensely helpful. Giving them names meant giving them a little bit of humanity; it was the very least I could do.
Godspeed, Fiona and Alexander. I would have tried to be the best dad I could.
Ayesha - When my sister had her twins, one baby had died and the other hadn’t long to live. The hospital staff asked my sister if she would like to hold the baby that died - she said no, she couldn’t face it. Then they asked her if she wanted to hold the baby that was still alive. She said yes, and they brought the baby into her, all wrapped up (as they do with newborns). But what they did instead was give her the dead baby. Deliberately. She was expecting a live baby and went into hysterics. She was so distraught that they had to sedate her, and as a result, she never got to hold her living baby. The hospital’s excuse for this was that many mother’s won’t accept the death of a child until they see that child. The dupe was horribly traumatic for my sister.
They did have both babies baptized and they buried them together. They are still often on my sister’s mind, even 20 years (and four living daughters) later.
StG
this is a really sad story. I feel so sorry for you and for what you were going through, especially your wife!
This is my biggest nightmare, not being able to have little sev’s jumping around
although Iam against these methods, I hope they will find one that works out for you and everybody else going through this nightmare!
bye sev
zut and Mrs. zut… I am so terribly sorry for your loss. There’s nothing more I can say than that, as words fail me.
F_X
zut and mrs. zut, I’d, too, like to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your children. I can’t begin to imagine the sadness you’re suffering at this moment. I’m bawling my eyes out – I’m sure you feel like your tears will never end.
But please, please don’t blame yourselves. You aren’t medical professionals, so you took the advice of people who know better than you what the chances were for a sucessful pregnancy. Clearly, if mrs. zut’s body was unable to carry twins to term, it’s nearly a 100% certainty that she wouldn’t have been able to carry triplets, either. Blame is a normal part of the grieving process, but please don’t let it linger or haunt you. This was NOT your fault!
Godspeed to you and your family – may all your hearts heal with time. Rest in peace, Fiona and Alexander – you will be remembered and loved always.
I so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
My condolences. I wish you and your wife the best as you go through these difficult times.
I read this thread yesterday but couldn’t come up with any words. I still can’t. I’m so sorry…
{{{{{zut and Mrs. zut}}}}}
Ah, God…how sad! So sorry, so very sorry. Poor sweet little babies.
I have no words either, zut. My deepest heartfelt condolences to you and your wife.
God rest and keep you, Fiona and Alexander.