Fair enough. That is the way dating works. You should have at least a little more confidence now. At the start of this thread, you were wondering whether she wanted to go out with you again at all. Now you are complaining that she may want to get married.
You don’t have to go out with her again but you should realize now that there are plenty of people that will go out with you despite your excuses. Have some confidence and go out and get the one that you really want. I know it is easier said than done but you have already demonstrated some skills and desirability. Try it again and then rinse and repeat as necessary.
WHAT? :eek:We followed this for four whole pages and 3 weeks, and you can’t do us the courtesy of finally marrying this girl?
This. Don’t be negative, don’t make excuses, and show a little confidence. It will get more comfortable for you with the next lady, and the next. Don’t underestimate the new friendships you make with the ones that don’t work out. No reason to drop them out of your life completely if you like them but they aren’t girlfriend material.
But is she not the right girl because she asked about marriage? Because at your age, you are going to be dumping a lot of girls for asking this question (and being on either side of the question)… unless you start dating women in their 20s.
I don’t like to talk about marriage because it’s all about money. And the fact that I am trying to build my savings and get out of debt, marriage is the last thing on my mind
So since you seem to not want to get married, isn’t it good that it is discussed early so you can both figure out whether or not to waste your time on the relationship?
I dunno, I’m a lot older (54), but if a woman brings up marriage on the second date, that is a total deal breaker for me. Geez, I just barely know you, I’m interested in knowing you more, but that idea won’t enter the picture for quite a long time.
Of course, I’m also a very private person, a survivor of a really bad marriage and I’m not one of those “I have to be in a relationship (or two) at all times or my life isn’t worth living” types.
In fairness, not being gung ho on marriage (which you seem to not be) is a dealbreaker for a lot of women at that age (IMHO, YMMV, OMGWTFBBQ). She’s probably getting that question out of the way early. Saves time.
Not sure if you are referring to the marriage or the wedding itself, both of which require some financial discussion, but if you are avoiding a long term commitment to a potentially great partner because you assume she wants a big wedding, you could really be missing out.
Also, at your age, I believe women are wiser and thinking longer term than in their 20’s, so they are more likely to put it all on the table. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you don’t feel like they are pushing you already. There’s a difference between casually mentioning marriage/whether you ever want to be married, and starting to hint around at it.
That’s an interesting perspective. Because it isn’t for most people.
I’d be really turned off by someone asking about marriage on a 2nd date, too. Even if I were interested. Way too early for that kind of direct question.
Did she make it clear whether marriage is the goal for her? The way you phrased the question, it kinda sounds like it is, but I also wonder if she was filtering you out the same way you filtered her out. Maybe she doesn’t want to get married, and if you’d answered “yes” she’d have known not to pursue anything further with you.
IME a good (non) answers (for both you and kinda the OP) is something like ‘well, I just got out of a pretty bad marriage so, maybe, someday, but certainly not any time soon’, you can even add, depending on her reaction ‘don’t get me wrong, I’m looking for a long term relationship/to ‘settle down’, I’m just not ready to remarry any time soon’.
I’ve seen plenty of people on OKC/Match that make it very clear that are there to find their husband and they have every intention of being married in X years or by the time they’re a certain age. Now, by that time, you might be ready, but if you’re not ready now and she’s looking for someone that is, you’ll be wasting both your times. You’ll be annoyed by her pushing you down that road, she’ll be annoyed that you avoid the subject. There’s little chance it’ll go well unless one of you, really and truly, changes your mind.
Don’t forget that A)‘someday, maybe’ could be all she’s looking for. As I said earlier, it’s very possible she’s just making sure you’re not the ‘ewww marriage’ type person and B)Always be honest, for all you know, you could say ‘maybe, someday’ or even try to appease her and say ‘yes’ and end up scaring her off, maybe she’s asking you because it’s her that has no interest in marriage, maybe it’s her that thinks spending 20k on a 3 hour ceremony is stupid, maybe it’s her that thinks getting your boyfriend/girlfriend status recognized by the government is kind of pointless, especially considering it makes breaking up way more complicated, should it come to that.
TLDR, be yourself, but don’t skirt the question. However, these are the questions you really have to give some thought to (And you can change your mind over time), but you should have some kind of answer for because they will come up over and over, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but anyone you date that has decent communications skills is going to bring them up eventually and it’s silly to not go out with them again because they asked.
My husband and I were basically engaged by our second date, and were discussing weddings in the abstract on our first date. Been married over two decades now.
As several people pointed out, you don’t need any money to get married. This really isn’t a money issue (at least in the sense of it being expensive, of course it has serious fiancial consequences).
