I have a fart in me that I need to get out- usually not a very big one, more of a subtle sensation oftentimes- kind of like the little lump in my throat that won’t go away for days and is similar to when I eat too fast and something cramps my throat, but not that severe.
It’s not that it’s uncomfortable, it’s just that it feels like a loose end and it bothers me. So, I strain and strain and finally feel it getting to the breaking point and am happy and strain a little more and then find out that no,
no, that’s not what I needed to do after all.
So, I used to get all mad when this happened, berating myself for not even having the life skills of an average 6 year old, but now I get intensely philosophical at these occurences, and, of course, walk very gingerly till I can get my drawers changed and wash off a little bit. And then, for a day or two, I’m extremely cautious about farting, but then I forget, start living blithely again, till the next time…
The bad thing about these little butt suprises is that they never seem to happen in an opportune place. It’s always at work, on a date, in church (although the only time I’ve seen the inside of a church since I was a kid has been for weddings and funerals- sometimes I have thought there wasn’t much difference 'twixt the two…), or in bed. I’m thinking you’re making a WAG as to what I did this morning. And you’d be right- it’s terrible. There I am, 1/2 awake, in the nice part of sleep, still roaming free in my head, vaguely aware of my surroundings where, unless it’s nightmare time, everything is damnfine and wonderful, and to fart, along with every other possible thing I could feel/think/do seems like the most glorious thing in the world.
So I do.
And all the semi-conscious happy-happy shit goes right the hell away and I am rudely jarred back to reality.
This once happened to me on the way to a job interview. Needless to say, I didn’t make it. A few days later, I got a way better job than the one I missed the interview for, and incidents like these are how I know there is a god that sometimes deigns to do me a favor. And it has a wicked sense of humor. And I like that.
But over all, I hate it when that happens.
I have to go do some laundry now.