I hate "Yes, but" people

[Qwisp]

@Lakai

As for the OP, I picked up some advice on how to deal with this behavior from a neat little psychology book called Games People Play. From the title you can guess that behavior described in the OP is a social game that people subconsciously play. One person describes a problem and then turns down every single answer to the problem. The person with the problem is satisfied that nothing can be done, and that he doesn’t have to do anything. The person giving the answers is satisfied that he tried to help, even though he didn’t really do anything.

The way to break up the game is to ask the person with the problem “what are you going to do about it?” This ends the game right there because the person playing the game is trying to avoid his problem and this question forces him to confront it.

I wonder if that would work with certain posters?

[amarinth]

@Half_Man_Half_Wit

Sometimes, I wish people would stop to consider that when they think all the problems of somebody else can be solved with one simple, aphoristically encapsulated nugget of brilliant advice, they most likely just don’t have a clue.

This.

There are two areas in my life where I “yes, but.” In both “yes, but” is a more polite way of saying “your idea is stupid. And while I might value you as a person, you really haven’t a fucking clue about what you’re talking about when it comes to this. So, would you mind shutting the fuck up? Thanks”

In one area the suggestions I get from experts (from whom I actively seek help because they know something about the issue and whose advice I then follow) are entirely different than the suggestions I get from people who are trying to help. I don’t “yes, but” the experts. In the other area, people are rarely as insightful or original as they might think they are.

I try not to bring stuff up all the time (on both of the subjects, I bore myself thinking/talking about them. It must be excruciating for other people) but sometimes what’s weighing on my mind ends up coming out of my mouth.

[vivalostwages]

@StarvingButStrong

You know the ones – they whine about some aspect of their life and how much it annoys/worries/hurts them, and then reply to absolutely any suggestion on how to fix it with a ‘yes, but’ that shows why poor little them couldn’t possibly do that. They are the victims of circumstances, stuck beyond any human effort of saving themselves, left only with the option to moan and beg for pity.

I’m not talking about a single go round of some new problem. This rant was kicked off by a coworker who complains at least three times a week about how disgustingly messy her house is. Various people have suggested that she do a little cleaning each day “Yes, but I’m tired when I get home”, devote a weekend day to it “yes, but my husband wants me to spend time with him,” get husband to help her “yes, but he doesn’t like to clean,” hire in a housecleaner “Yes, but it costs too much,” on and on and on.

Hey! If you don’t care enough about fixing the problem to exert yourself in any way, SHUT UP ABOUT IT. You used up all the energy I’m willing to devote to ‘poor pitiful you’ feedback loooong ago.

And before we get sidetracked by “men are from mars and women are from Venus” – I’m a female. I don’t mind listening to someone vent about problems now and then. But endlessly griping about the SAME problem? One that you could solve in many ways, but you apparently prefer to wallow in how pitiful your life is rather than fix it? STFU.

I suspect you’re ranting about a friend of mine. She is a total sympathy addict/whiner/hoarder/drama queen with all kinds of issues. She’s gotten so bad that a mutual pal and I have all but stopped responding to her. We have no more sympathy. When she starts up with her crap about whatever problem there is that she could take care of if she wanted to, we just change the subject. Or worse, we tell her it’s her own doing. Or I tell her I don’t believe her when she promises to do something she ought to, because I know she has no intention of following through. I’m sure she thinks we’re mean and rotten.
There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s whimpering to total strangers (they become her victims if there’s no one else around) right now about what rotten friends we are.