I have a blind date tonight! Yikes!

OK, it’s been a while since I’ve dated. I had a few girlfriends in college and afterwards, but my self-confidence went to hell as my weight shot up, reaching a peak of a little over 400 pounds a few years ago. I had bariatric surgery about a year and a half ago, am down to around 250 well-carried pounds and even had kind of a pseudo-girlfriend for a while (until she got a job offer and had to move) but all told it’s been something like 7 or 8 years since I’ve actually dated anyone. I have little to no idea of what a woman in their early 30s would be expecting of me! I mean, I still have friends that I went to college with, and in fact I work with a few of them, and they and their spouses seem to be comfortable with the idea that grownups can still enjoy video games and toys and alternative metal and so forth, but I can’t shake the feeling that somehow I’m supposed to be more, I don’t know, mature, whatever that means. I’ve kind of felt that true maturity means taking care of your responsibilities before you go play, as opposed to sitting and reading the newspaper for over an hour and thinking about the stock market constantly. I’m pretty comfortable being myself, but I have to admit that I’m kind of worried that potential dates (at least the ones that are my age or a little older) will think of me as having some sort of Peter Pan complex.

So, SD women, am I still OK playing video games at 31, or am I just kidding myself and have fallen to a pathetic low?

I kind of feel compelled to add that it’s not just about video games, lest everyone think that’s all I care about. I mean that I don’t have any compulsion to start listening to adult contemporary music or whatever the hell it’s called, for example. I like lots of music ranging from Ani Difranco to Slipknot to Shadows Fall to Damien Rice to The Gathering, etc. I tend to like horror movies a lot (my favorite movie genre) and my office at work has two shrines, one dedicated to a collection of Transformers and one dedicated to dinosaurs.

Did I mention I’m an Art Director? Artists are allowed to be a little weirder than normal, right?

As a dating woman in her mid 30’s, I wouldn’t think you’re weird for playing video games. As long as you didn’t go on and on about them.
I’ve had ALOT of dates, including blind ones, in the last couple of years. Bad signs for me include not having your own place (having a roommate is not ideal, but tolerable), not knowing how to cook or do laundry (taking care of yourself), and saying inappropriate things during the first couple of dates.
As couple weeks ago I had a date. I dressed up, as were going to a “nice” place for dinner. He showed up in sweat pants. Sweat pants!! Don’t do that.
I was going to have a first date tonight, but the guy IM’d me last night to tell me that he was “so happy” because in less than 24 hours I’d be “in his arms”. My reaction: WTF??!! No, I won’t be in your arms any time soon! I’ve never even met the guy- we just started talking through IM having hooked up through Yahoo Personals. That date is now canceled.
So, having had lots of experience with new dates, I tell you- as long as you seem two-thirds normal and don’t have any glaring deficiencies or act like a needy jerk, you’ll be fine. Good luck!

I’m only speaking from the male end of this equation.

  1. Do you have a regular job or are otherwise gainfully employed? If you can say yes to that, you’re way ahead of the game.

  2. Can you act appropriately in a social situation? You know, order food in a restaurant, carry on a conversation about life? Is so, you’re 2 for 2 and you’ve jumped into the 90th percentile. Probably the 95th.

Actually, it’s required.

Hey, I’m still playing video games at 44. Don’t sweat it. Be yourself. If she doesn’t want to date you the way you are, that’s okay. If you change the way you present yourself to appeal to a broader range of, uh, women, they’re going to be attracted to something you don’t want to be.

Holy crap, that’s creepy.

Thanks for the advice. I think maybe my biggest problem with dating is remembering to be myself. I have no problem striking up conversations and being friendly with people normally, but sometimes I freeze up thinking I had better do something different when it comes to potential dating partners.

I never used to have this anxiety when I was in college. Mostly because I was too chickenshit to ask anyone out that I didn’t already know. The unknown factor here is high and I think it’s what is making me so nervous.

But… you complete me! The stars say so!

Quite true, and that’s always been a good piece of advice, hasn’t it? What’s worse, that a date sees you for yourself and decides to “just be friends” or that a date thinks that you’re something that you’re not and complains bitterly (and rightly) that you “aren’t the same man I fell in love with”?

Thanks for reminding me of that.

It’s kind of cliche and may sound antiquated, but a little mystery does wonders for your appeal. Don’t be a cold fish, but don’t lay yourself out there too soon, men and women like a little challenge. Be very confident and project yourself as a special person that she would do well to get to know. People tend to believe that you are what you present yourself to be. I’m not saying pretend to be anything you’re not. Just KNOW that you are a good catch, that you are interesting and worthwhile, and she will believe it. Ask her questions about herself, and use her name often. Don’t drag the date out, though, even if you’re having a great time. Leave her wanting more. Call her tomorrow to let her know you had a good time but don’t make it a long conversation. Then let her make the next move. Just a little advice, this dating stuff is so (too) old hat for me.

I thought two days’ wait was the industry standard…?

Here’s a little bit of a twist; we both work for the same company. No, it’s not a potential office romance. This is a big hospital system with several clinical and business divisions and we’re not in any type of situation in which we would be likely to meet during the course of our jobs. But it does offer something of a least common denominator.

The more I think about it, I think the biggest potential shock to her might be that I’m an agnostic ex-Christian in the middle of the very Lutheran southern Minnesota community…

This is very good advice. Play it cool. Don’t be aloof or disinterested, but don’t try too hard. Make jokes, ask questions, tell her funny stories. Don’t talk about ex-girlfriends, losing weight, being nervous, how long it’s been since you dated, or computer games. (You can talk about all those things with someone once you’re dating, but not on a first date.) You can compliment her, but do so sparingly.

The goal is not to be phony or mean, but to keep yourself from letting insecurity paint yourself in a negative way. None of these things are absolute rules, but guidelines for coming across as interesting and self-assured.

Yeah, I’m seeing that now; just gotta relax. And maybe make sure that the date ends before she starts checking her watch…

I just want to say Good Luck. I am nervous for you now too – so thanks for that!

I don’t have any advice really, just common sense seem to me: Try and ask Open Ended Questions about her, take care of the hygiene (esp. if you are REALLY nervous) and be yourself – but show your good side i.e. no need to dive right into the time you were busted for possession of MJ as a 17 yo in the first 45 minutes …

Let us know how it goes

Speaking as a guy here, but…
I would say that the most important things to most women in the first five minutes are not that you’re gorgeous, or obviously dripping with money but that you’re neat, clean, well-spoken and un-self-conscious.

Were I on the other team (either biologically or preferentially) I know that those four things would be the absolute minimum to even consider getting to know someone with the intention of moving towards intimacy. (Run on sentence, anyone?)

So take some time doing these things, and remember that even the most beautiful or seemingly unattainable people are deep down just as riddled with insecurities and neuroses as you, they just manage to hide them better due to their looks, money or power. In fact, they’re probably a lot crazier than you, deep down, because they sublimate all that shit.

Oh yeah, and what Ethilrist said?

Some of the best advice I’ve ever heard here on the Dope.

Be yourself

This is very true. And it makes me very, very sad. . . :frowning:

All that worrying for nothing, thankfully. Things went off pretty much without a hitch. Conversation was natural and pretty lively, we had roughly equal time talking about ourselves, got to know a little bit about each other without getting into too much detail, and ended by making informal plans to get together on Wednesday (she’s got to finish a paper for one of her Master’s degree courses) . She has a great smile and seems nice, and I think we’re both interested enough to give it a couple more dates to see if there’s potential for anything long-term. If I had known that blind dating was that easy, I would have had more of them. :slight_smile:

Excellent work. Just keep being yourself.

Wear good shoes.

Yay! A good date is a beautiful thing. :slight_smile:

I’ve learned that blind dates are much easier than having a committed relationship. Far less decision-making in a blind date. It’s a simple yes/no thing.

Once it becomes a regular deal, then you really have to start paying attention to things. :smiley:

I met my gf on a blind date of sorts. I honestly can’t see what so many people have against them!