Well you see, I’m involved with this guy, we’ve been with each other for quite some time, but there’s a problem. His best friend has a crush on me, and I’m starting to like him too. I know i would never become involved with him, but i can’t seem to stop flirting with him, and he does not make it easy. Can anyone give me some advice as to how i can try and get over him, i really care about ym boyfriend and don’t want to lose him.
Please respond!!!
Tell said flirtacious guy that you like him as a friend and you enjoy flirting but that you’re otherwise taken right now.
my 5 cents.
I really hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but if you’re starting to get feelings for this other guy, then maybe you don’t care as much about your boyfriend as you thought you did. Maybe you should take some time to re-evaluate your relationship with your BF. There might be something that you’re lacking in your relationship, and you’re subconciously trying to fill that space by exploring other options. What does this other guy give you? Why do you feel the need to respond? Does your BF know about your flirtation? How would he feel if he did know? Would he feel hurt and betrayed by the two people who mean the most to him?
If you decide that BF is the one for you, then stop the flirting cold-turkey. You don’t want to lead the other guy on, and you don’t want to hurt your relationship with your BF. Try to avoid him (and temptation) by being alone together as little as possible, and if he does start to flirt with you, ignore it.
5 cents? Since when do you get 5 cents? Well, that just doesn’t seem fair.
Anyway, Crash. I used to be with this guy who constantly flirted with this woman who I hated to begin with. I brought it up to him many times, telling him it bothered me and if he didn’t stop soon it could get out of hand. (I used to have a very violent bad temper.) He stopped flirting with her for the most part, but she never stopped flirting with him. I tried to get him to talk to her, tell her he was happy with me and didn’t want her to make these passes at him. Well, he never talked to her, and I wasn’t a very reasonable person so I couldn’t really “talk” to her about it either. I wound up making my point to her in a very negative way and, after blood and tears, I lost the guy that I was with. The moral of the story? If you really like the guy that you are with, stop before it all gets out of hand. Eventually, you’ll get over this crush.
thankx guys, i guess most of my problem is that its true, he does give me something my BF doesnt, he is really funny and i dont feel stupid saying whatever i feel like around him. although this is true i really do care about my BF way more and want to stop this crush.
Oh man!! I’ve been there – almost. For me the friend was a good friend of mine, but I did not feel reciprocal crush feelings. But it was really really sticky nonetheless. In my case it left for very bad feelings even when nothing happened.
First of all, try to ask yourself why the best friend might have a crush on you. Maybe your boyfriend and his best friend are a bit competitive, and the best friend wants what your boyfriend has? Why isn’t the best friend good enough to go find his OWN girlfriend?
Also, you mention that the best friend gives you a lot your boyfriend doesn’t give you. But remember that you can’t just replace one with the other and keep things peachy keen. Think of your consequences!
Think about the potential scenarios:
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You continue escalating the flirting, neither of stopping, until OOPS! All of a sudden one day, you’re both alone and “it just happened by mistake.” Mistake, my foot.
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Somehow somebody finds out. Maybe it’s one of your girlfriends, one of his guy friends. Whatever. Your own friends will take sides against you for “having an affair with the boyfriend’s best friend.”
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Your boyfriend finds out, and either breaks up with you, or severs his relationship with the friend. Either way, you are left out because as the “guilty party” you will no longer be accepted among his friends (if that’s one big social clique you can expect to lose a LOT of friends).
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let’s say your boyfriend allows it… do your really want to be dating a man who doesn’t care if his own girlfriend has an affair with his best friend? What does that say about your boyfriend’s values? Could he be saving up for when he wants to have an affair with YOUR best friend? How would that make YOU feel?
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What if your boyfriend severs things with both you AND his best friend? Are you willing to risk being ostracized, the two of you? Because the best friend is going to lose friends, too.
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And what if you do end up with the best friend, who decides he doesn’t want to sacrifice his friendship with your boyfriend? All of a sudden, you won’t have your boyfriend, and you won’t have his best friend, either. You’ll end up by yourself, ostracized (or at the minimum, talked about behind your back) by your circle of friends? Are you willing to start anew with new friends who won’t know/care?
My personal opinion is it is NOT a good scene. If I were you, I would sit down with the best friend in a PUBLIC location, like a coffee shop (DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS IN A PRIVATE PLACE, LIKE YOUR APARTMENT, BEDROOM, OR CAR), and say:
“John (or whatever his name is), we’ve been flirting for a while, and for now it’s ‘innocent flirting.’ But I really like you, and I’m afraid it might easily escalate to something more than just flirting. As much as i care about you John, I’ve thought long and hard and realize I cannot afford to start anything with you. I love Dave (or whatever), and I know it would tear him up if he found out his girlfriend and his best friend were having a secret affair. It is just something I am not willing to risk. So John – perhaps in another life, or in another time, it may have had a chance. But I want you to know that I am going to use my brain instead of my groin, and tell you that I am going to stop all this flirting. And if you can’t stop the flirting either, I am going to limit my contact with you to only when Dave is there.”
That’s what I would do. Because I would have way too much to lose.
– newly married-and-monogamous Baglady
Oooh! I sense an imminent menage a trois!
Be sure to post photos and video.
As I imagine Peter the Great might have said:
I go swinging
Swinging in the water
Swinging in the pool
Swinging is cool
I go swinging.
I agree with Baglady, even if you can’t stop the crush there will be no mere swap. Its a bad choice.
If your present bf can’t make you laugh and makes you feel dumb, silly, or insignificant, you may want to reconsider the relationship anyway. That light comment doesn’t sound very good on my end. However, any thought of getting out of your relationship with ‘Dave’ needs to be done away from thinking about getting with ‘John’.
‘John’ is a lost cause. The effects would be very, very bad and they would be blamed entirely on you. “John and Dave were so close before the she-bitch split them up.”
As for saving the present relationship, talk to your bf. Honestly. You love him, he loves you. At worst he’ll go kill his friend. If he is a classy guy he’ll understand. Or he’ll just think you’re being stupid again.
<Sorry. I really don’t like a lack of respect in relationships. Makes me get hives.>
Mr. “I’ve never been there” has some advice on this, too.
First, regarding the best friend, I have known two types of guys. One is the cad who would love to ball you just because he could, despite his best friend. The other is the sincere type that really likes you and wishes (at some level) he could make the swap. I suppose a third category is someone having fun flirting but not really expecting it to lead anywhere. (Come to think of it, I have been there.)
One and two are problems for different reasons - either way can ruin both sets of relationships (your romantic one a and his friendship). I have heard of cases where the second worked, primarily in small town situations where everybody is friends with everyone, so you pretty much have to date an ex’s best friend at some point in your life.
Three can be fun if both of you expect it going nowhere. However, you indicated that you are beginning to develop feelings for him. Not good, if you really like what you have with the boyfriend. It does suggest there is something missing from your current relationship, especially your comments about how he doesn’t make you feel stupid. But that’s for you to evaluate and decide. Probably something to discuss with the boyfriend - separate from this guy, just things you notice about your relationship.
Best advice - don’t hang with the best friend when your boyfriend isn’t around, don’t flirt with him any more, and tell him that it’s beginning to make you uncomfortable, so he will understand and not get hurt feelings out of it. Also, continued flirting will eventually build up discomfort of some sort, and ruin your ability to be in each other’s company, even around the boyfriend. Thus he will find himself choosing between the two of you. Not a good direction to be going.
Hope this advice helps. Again, this is coming from the perpetual single.
Now is the time to flirt. You have a BF, not a husband. If current bf isnt all you need, look else where. Youth is wasted on the young.MTS
First of all, resolve your feelings. Keep in mind it’s nearly impossible socially to start dating the best friend of your current guy without a whole lotta grief. but resolve it. If you decide to stay with b/f, meet public place like bag lady suggests, but
I wouldn’t do the speech that bag lady suggests, don’t mention all the stuff about “another life, another time, I’m afraid it’ll escalate” etc. those words can come back to wound you. try this: “friend, we’ve been playing around with flirting, but I’m concerned that others may take it the wrong way and lead to hurt feelings all around. I’m happy with b/f, don’t feel comfortable flirting with his best friend…”
and RE: Flirting while you’re single - hey I’m a great fan of the art of flirting - however, flirting with the best friend of your current guy has nothing but trouble written all over it (or flirting with your boss or thier spouse…)
Crash101, you’re a girl, right? What’s your age area? Around 17-20, right? Some details often makes it easier 
…and where is Chief Scott when obviously there is a large area to be calling names and giving tongue lashings? Maybe I’m the only special one. -sigh-
There’s a very very big difference between the scenario here and the one you presented.
thank you all for your advice, another thing i wanted to add was that his best friend, whose name by the way is Richard, is also a good friend of mine, but does not however see me often. I plan on staying with my current boyfriend and do not see a possible relationship with Richard, however I cannot seem to stop flirting, and even though ti does not make me uncomfortable I’m worried he is getting mixed signals. I have told him that there is no possible relationship between us but i don’t know if he believes me or not.
Maybe he thinks that no means yes?
I am seriously voting for the threesome idea.
It will let you see if the thing with his friend is merely physical or more and your boyfriend will be there so there is no cause for him to get jealous.
The way you do it is …
“Honey … remember we were talking about fantasies?”
“Yes …”
“I have had one since I was younger about having two guys in me at once”
“Really?”
he’ll think on it, come up with the obvious answer AND think it was his idea.
- This message was brought to you by plt’s Academy for debauchery.
Don’t listen to pLt.
For one, he can never be serious.
For two, he’s an idiot.
You shouldn’t need to go to the pit to call your housemate an idiot.
grin listen to me listen to me
Threesomes is an age mid-twenties idea.