My first thread! Yippee…
My best friend, Simon and I have been best friends for about 8 years. He told me he was gay about four years ago (although I knew a few hours after I met him). Last year he met this guy at a gay bar and started dating him. Not a problem, until I found out that this guy is 20 years older than him. They have now been together for one year. When they first started going out Gary (Simon’s beau) told him it would be wise to get a shot to protect him against hep. Simon moved into Garys house earlier this year. In this short time Simon has suspected Gary of cheating on him, although he denies it. Simon got crabs from Gary…Gary has no idea how they appeared. Gary is Bi-sexual and wants Simon’s approval of him seeing a woman in the future if he wishes. Simon wants nothing to do with woman.
So what is my problem?! Am I just jelous, or is there a bit of a problem with the whole picture? I have nothing to do with Gary and tell Simon I don’t agree with their arrangment. Should I keep my mouth shut? I am also having a party and want to invite Simon, but both my husband and I don’t want Gary to come…how do I tell Simon that without hurting his feelings?
Just thought I would post this and see other peoples reactions. Thankyou!! 
You have no obligation to like people who make your friends unhappy.
You are the only one who knows if you are jealous or not, but it sounds to me like you have a close friend who you feel is being treated poorly by someone, and as a result you don’t like that someone.
Gee, what’s the problem?
HEY MY FIRST REPLY!!!
Ok sorry for the outburst. Well im not an expert on relationships by any means but it seems to me that you care a lot about Simon. If thats the case and truly is a close friend of yours than he should be able to handle what you have to say. If your worried for Simons health and well being you need to say something. And if you dont like Gary than you have no moral obligation to invite him anywhere, especially into your home. Sit Simon down and tell exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. If he really wants to be with this guy the the best thing i think you can do as a friend is respect his wishes and feelings but it doesnt mean you have to be complacent and deceptive of your feelings toward Gary. Dont try to sabotage the relationship cuz that will only make you look like the bad guy. Just be there for him and show him how much he means to you.Thankyou Boiwunder, that sounds like sound advice. I am just so worried of hurting Simon’s feelings. I just keep thinking that I would be hurt if Simon invited me somewhere and told me that I could leave my husband at home cause he’s not invited.
Well try to objectively compare your relationship with your husband and the type of person your husband is and to that of simon’s boyfriend and the type of person his boyfriend is. Did your husband give you crabs? ( dont answer that ) But my guess would be no. I mean you cant make Gary out to be a loser, cuz yeah that really would hurt Simons feelings but if he knows you well enough then he should understand. And just like you should respect his wishes to date this guy, he has to respect your wishes to opt not to be in association with that guy. Fairly idealistic i know and i dont claim to know either one of you but it just seems like a reasonable approach
Personally, I don’t see that you are under an obligation to
invite someone you aren’t comfortable with. Just explain it to your friend there, first, and reassure him.
I am sorry to disagree with the general opinion, here, but I think that if you are having a party and you invite your friend and do NOT include his SO, he may choose not to come.
In fact, he may distance himself from you and thus close off a line of support when he needs it. And from the sound of things, he WILL need it.
I think that I would just invite your friend, and not specify whether or not his SO is included in the invitation. If the guy comes and gets obnoxious~well, if your friends are anything like mine, they will take care of that FOR you.
The thing that is important here is that you love your friend and want him to be happy. This guy he is involved with is most likely NOT going to make him happy, but if you make a stand overtly AGAINST him, you may make it hard for your friend to come to you when the inevitable happens and he needs your counsel and hugs.
No one likes to have to say “You were right, and I was a fool.” When my friends have been involved with people I thought were stinkers, I have tried to support them without telling them I thought they were making a mistake. You can decline to comment on the person, if you know what I mean. Of course, they will “get” the fact that you are choosing not to support the relationship, but it makes it easier for them if things go haywire.
I’m not sure if I am explaining this very well, but I hope you understand what I am trying to convey. Non-commital works best, IMHO.
Of course if he ASKS you, you need to be honest. Otherwise, I think it is best to reserve your doubts without expressing them overtly.
Okay, I just re-read this, and I really don’t think I am expressing my opinion well at all. But I can’t think of any way to state it better, so I hope you get my meaning.
Hugs to you, and to your friend.
Scotti
Thankyou Scotticher. I understand what you are saying, I think! I am just really afraid of losing a good friend. Hopefully in time Simon will see through Gary and one day will seek comfort in me. So if I just lay back and relax, time will tell. Good verses evil sort of thing! Thankyou for your insight.