I have decided to start a slap-on-demand service

[Anaamika]

I have a few people to slap! But for an Evil Overlord, you have way too much of a heart. You didn’t throw them in the lava pit because they cried? Skald.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Anaamika

I have a few people to slap! But for an Evil Overlord, you have way too much of a heart. You didn’t throw them in the lava pit because they cried? Skald.

I am not an Evil Overlord. Evil Overlords are trying to conquer the Earth or sizeable portions thereof, and that’s too much paperwork for me. I am an Evil Services Provider. Also you don’t drop victims into the lava pit; you dump lava ONTO them so they can see it coming.

Anyway, I don’t know why you complain. If I were heartless you wouldn’t get all desired Evil Services free.

@LouisB

Why the doesn’t slap dopers rule?

Because otherwise Czarcasm or somebody would close down the thread.

I need her to slap my bare naked bottom while saying “You’re a bad boy.”

That’s what the regular sexbots are for and I have directed the 1998 Catherine Zeta Jones model to help you.

And I’ll need a volume discount.

Look in the mirror. Are you Anaamika? No? Then why are you asking for freebies?

@rachelellogram

That second picture is more airbrush than actual human being. But since they’re bots, I assume airbrushing is part of the standard design?

Can I set up a weekly-recurring slap of the same person, to continue until their death in the indeterminate future? And do slapbots request or require tips?

The recurring slaps are between you and your pocketbook and accounting. As for tips: if the slapbot feels you should pay it more money, it will just take it.

@cochrane

Now, when you say “cheek,” which set of cheeks did you have in mind? The upper cheeks or the ones down lower?

The regular sexbots can handle that, as already addressed.

@Alice_The_Goon

Slapping? Psshh. When you start making stabbots, then perhaps we can talk.

Programming androids for murder always ends badly.

[LouisB]

I didn’t ask for freebies; I asked for a discount. I am a senior citizen; we get discounts quite often.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@LouisB

I didn’t ask for freebies; I asked for a discount. I am a senior citizen; we get discounts quite often.

Tomato, tomato.

[Anaamika]

Senior citizens should not be allowed discounts on frivolous items; the services of a slapbot are not vital to your life.

[perfectparanoia]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Tomato, tomato.

This made me laugh.

I presume that these slappings will be anonymous? Cause I have a some coworkers and relatives who I will be needing their services for.

[MeanOldLady]

@Alice_The_Goon

Slapping? Psshh. When you start making stabbots, then perhaps we can talk.

I will stop at nothing short of murderbot.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@perfectparanoia

This made me laugh.

I presume that these slappings will be anonymous? Cause I have a some coworkers and relatives who I will be needing their services for.

Whether the slap is anonymous is up to you, as it depends on (a) the message that you instruct the slapbot to deliver, and (b) whether the victim speaks Italian, as that is the tongue in which the message is delivered.

@MeanOldLady

I will stop at nothing short of murderbot.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Programming robots to commit murder never goes well. Do you WANT Terminators to take over?

No automaton built by Rhymer Industries shall ever be allowed to commit murder except in defense of me, the Rhymer family, and certain Dopers. You know who you are.

[loshan]

I would like to avail myself of this service for my sister. I will need the slapbot there every two weeks, on payday, to remind her to pay her bills BEFORE she buys beer. This should help her in numerous areas of her life and will be a valuable service to all of her family.
Thank you for offering this much needed service.

[Enderw24]

I would slap Neil Patrick Harris.
I’m tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[emmaliminal]

Can I set up a conditional plan? I have a sister who needs slapping IF she ever again gets into a relationship with certain well-defined characteristics. I think it would be best if the slapping happens as early as possible in the relationship-building process, so I’d like to be proactive.

[Anaamika]

@Enderw24

I would slap Neil Patrick Harris.
I’m tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Oh noes! I want to slap Ender now. I love NPH! Too bad Dopers aren’t eligible, but you’re on my list, Ender. I’m watching you. :dubious:

[Vita_Beata]

@Eve

On a related note, I have been thinking of becoming a Life Coach. When clients enter my office, I will take them by the shoulders, shake them soundly, and scream “STOP FUCKING UP!” at them.

Then charge them $1,000.

There is some serious one-upsmanship going on here. Now Eve is opening up the Neiman Marcus branch of slapping with her title and $1000 fee. If only Skald The Rhymer, only taking in $2 per slap, could have forced her to sign a non-compete clause.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Anaamika

Oh noes! I want to slap Ender now. I love NPH! Too bad Dopers aren’t eligible, but you’re on my list, Ender. I’m watching you. :dubious:

I wasn’t happy about slapping Neil but I wasn’t going to say anything. But now I shall rule that Mika has veto power on all slaps.

[Enderw24]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

I wasn’t happy about slapping Neil but I wasn’t going to say anything. But now I shall rule that Mika has veto power on all slaps.

So she’s the Slap Commissioner?

Very well. Title accepted.

[Anaamika]

ALL RIGHT! I finally get a title. I was never Evil enough to be any of the Evil Empire, but I can be Slap Commissioner! And this way, no one can slap me!

[Merneith]

I’m in for two.

Target: Netflix CEO Reed Hastings
Crime: Splitting the DVD service off entirely so that we have to maintain separate websites and queues with their new DVD rental company, Quickster

Target: also Netflix CEO Reed Hastings
Crime: Thinking that “Quickster” was a good name for the DVD company

Thanks, Skald. Your check’s in the mail.

[Raguleader]

@Anaamika

ALL RIGHT! I finally get a title. I was never Evil enough to be any of the Evil Empire, but I can be Slap Commissioner! And this way, no one can slap me!

We need to get the admins to change your title from “Guest” to “Slap Commissioner”

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Vita_Beata

There is some serious one-upsmanship going on here. Now Eve is opening up the Neiman Marcus branch of slapping with her title and $1000 fee. If only Skald The Rhymer, only taking in $2 per slap, could have forced her to sign a non-compete clause.

I find this remark personally insulting. Eve is trying to make the world better, or at least help her individual clients; I am merely attempting to corrupt as many Dopers as possible and also recoup my investment on the slapbots.

[TriPolar]

I don’t like anyone enough to pay to have a Bellucci slapbot slap them. I do dislike a lot of people enough to pay for a Tyson slapbot though.