I am jealous, I am needy, I call my bf at all hours of the day and night. If he says he’s going to be home and he’s not, I get so mad I can’t see straight [insert picture of me frothing at the mouth].
Now, to put things in perspective, I have no way to contact him other than via phone. I can’t drive over for a cuddle, I can’t meet him for lunch, I can’t search for his car at the local motels! His cell phone has the nasty habit of turning off spontaneously (I have witnessed this occuring) which also prevents me from paging him. His home phone is usually turned down low enough to prevent it from waking him up (he can sleep thru a bomb dropping when he’s tired anyways) and he actually can’t hear it from some parts of the apartment.
I’m paranoid, I keep worrying about him cheating on me. When I manage to repress these worries during the day, they turn up hardcore in my dreams. I’m at the point where I want to take sleeping pills just to keep from dreaming at all (would that work? Anyone know?)
Reading AoTL’s rant about her roomie’s mom is reminding me of me. This scares me. I am pretty sure that most of this psychotic behaviour is just because this is a long-distance relationship (add the fact that we don’t get to see each other for months straight) plus the added stress of planning our wedding. But I am really worried that it’s NOT. According to the lovely various personality tests I have taken online, I have a good chance on having Paranoid Personality Disorder. People with that PD often have a hard time making relationships work, and therapy doesn’t usually help.
Does anyone know what I can do about this? Other than terminate the relationship? (Which I may end up doing inadvertantly, he loves me but I think we’re both getting fed up after 3 years of this)
If anyone wants to make a smartass remark about my paranoid suspicions of him cheating being true, please hightail it elsewhere, I have enough worries as it is. If I -found out- it was true, I would end it anyways. I know they’re just irrational worries.
If this is causing you as much pain as you suggest, and you need to take pills to sleep, perhaps scheduling an appointment to a mental health professional would be in order. It may be pricier than the online surveys, but hopefully they can take care of treatment and not just diagnostics.
I do not cast any stones on your online surveys, as I don’t know which ones they are, but a person trained in these areas should be better.
No one deserves to live a life filled with anxiety, let alone unfounded anxiety.
Just a supportive {{{{{Venoma}}}}} and an agreement with rubes. You’ve been around here long enough to know that we aren’t going to give BS advice and aren’t in the pay of the mental health industry, which is why you are asking us. You do have issues, and a lot of them can be worked out without recourse to medication, although some might be appropriate. You don’t deserve to live unhappy and suspicious and your boyfriend deserves better, too. Please find help soon. You’ll find that your only regret was to not get it earlier.
I am going to throw this out there, but please keep in mind that I know next to nothing about the situation (other than what is in the OP), or the guy involved.
Is it possible that that this fear of being cheated on is actually a logical response to the situation? I ask because I have had a similar experience (although it was depression related).
Another way to look at it is this: Have you had these jealousy problems in past relationships (in which case it is possible that you have some issues that would be best addressed with a professional), or is it specific to this relationship (in which case you may be reacting to subtle cues).
I bring this up because far to often (IMHO) folks are treated for responding in the most logical way to a situation.
Check with your local governmental units. They may have some system already set up for mental health cheap and fast instead of the normal Canadian health care system of cheap and slow. (Actually, I don’t know how slow your system really is. All I know is AMA propaganda.)
And I suspect your “paranoid personality disorder” is really something along the lines of fairly mild obsessiveness which is FAR from untreatable. It responds magnificently to medication (voice of experience speaking) and the medication for it has few side effects. If all else fails a general practitioner might even be able to prescribe something, or can help your maintenence once your therapist is satisfied with your progress.
In a long distance relationship like ours, some jealousy and worry is understandable, but (I also have depression related issues) outright rage at simple things is not… neither is waking up from a bad dream, or series thereof, and feeling like I have to call him at 3 AM. (I literally have to sit on my hands to keep from doing so)
Binary, if there were someone(s) else, he would have left me long ago for the head f*cks I’ve put him through (and I am really trying not to, I just have a hard time controlling my outbursts) I have had jealousy issues in the past, but not of this magnitude(BUT not a situation like this before).
Obsessiveness sounds like a good shot… keep in mind that I am also chronically depressed (no, not diagnosed, but that’s one thing I don’t need a doc to tell me) and possibly bipolar (yes, I exhibit some definate mania, talking too fast for my tongue, highly irritable moods, restlessness, etc. but I’ll leave that for the doc to diagnose.)
ohboy. I feel tired. Thanks for the suggestion, dz, I’ll check the YP and governmental blue pages when I get home. The AMA info is right on the money. My region is going to be sending citizens to Maine for specialist treatments (with Medicare footing the bill) because waiting lists here are far far too long. At least, the local doctors hope to be doing so. Maine’s happy to get the business.
And know that everything is okay. Long distance relationships are stressful. Planning weddings are enough stress to drive people bonkers. That you are even attempting doing both is a testement to your personalstrength and your trust in your relationship. All of these are good things.
If these anger spouts and obsessive visions are just a recent thing, then its probably just stress and a spot of therapy can do wonders for putting everything together.
If you were jealous and obsessive in every relationship, or were continuously haunted by thoughts/hallucinations throughout your life…then I’d be more worried. As it is it sounds like its handleable.
“Jealous and obsessive in every relationship, or were continuously haunted by thoughts/hallucinations throughout your life” is what they make Prozac for! Emminently treatable. Since starting it I’m a different person than I was all my life, and I mean that in a good way. (I miss the hallucinations, though.)
“Obsessiveness sounds like a good shot… keep in mind that I am also chronically depressed. (etc)” These are related conditions. No worries! They can fix you.
“My region is going to be sending citizens to Maine for specialist treatments because waiting lists here are far far too long.” That’s okay; people in Maine go to Canada for cheaper prescriptions. It all evens out.
It sounds like your guy is terrific, to have stood by you like that. We already know how terrific you are. I’m glad you are doing something for both of you and seeking treatment.
I think that if I was in a long-distance relationship, I’d act the same way. Which is to say, I bet I have problems, too ;). Thankfully, I avoid this by being with my BF close to ALL the time we aren’t at school or work.
Even if this is something which requires therapy and/or medication (which I think could DEFINITELY help) it’s a normal crazy. At least I think so.
I would like to agree with everyone, Venoma, and ask you to please go see a good therapist. I have suspected for a long time that my father has this disorder, and speaking from the receiving end, it really hurts for someone who is close to you to never ever ever trust you. If you really do have a disorder, the behavior won’t stop when your relationship is not long distance anymore.
I’m just glad that you are an astute and mature enough person to recognize that you may have a problem. Congratulations for that.
I admire anyone who can pull off a long-distance relationship. I also admire you for seeking help, and I think that speaking with a therapist is the next step. You don’t sound paranoid to me, just very anxious and worried. You deserve to feel good about yourself, your boyfriend and your relationship. Best of luck to you.
Venoma, I bet with a little help you will do fine. You seem like a pretty smart person and you realize that your concerns are irrational and that some of your reactions result from a disorder.
