So, I might just be overly suspicious...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

…but I think my boyfriend might be leaving me soon.

Background information:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last seven years. It’s been a bumpy ride (almost every fall he gets commitment panic - like he’s so afraid he might be missing out on someone better that might come along…)

The past two years have been particularly rough, since my job has required that we live apart and only see each other on weekends.

Last fall he said to me “I’ve kinda (wishy-washy crap) fallen in love with this other girl, but now I’m in the dumps, because she’s not interested aaaand she’s dating a guy from my office, so I see them smooching there everyday”

This led to the following responses from me:
a) WTF you’re telling me you’re in love with another girl and actually tried to initiate a relationship with her BEFORE breaking up with me?
b) And now you expect me to feel sorry for you?!
c) I’m not a doormat, nor a back-up fuck.
d) I’m leaving now, and you’d better think long and hard on whether or not you want to be with me, where I am your top priority or else I’d much rather be free of you. Best decide before I decide I’m better off without you.

…and of course it ended with him missing me and us being together sigh. I’m a sucker, I know - but let’s disregard that for the moment.

So, why am I sharing this with you dopers now? Well - as my job situation is about to change, we’ve talked about moving in together, and indeed the bf has gone ahead and rented an apartment just this week. I’ll be moving in in two to three months.

All fine, we were talking about it this weekend. All excited - finally we’re getting somewhere and, yay he wants to move in with me, must mean I’m special… Right? Well maybe.

Then he starts saying things like: then we can have people over, like A & B (a couple we’ve known for years), C and D… Oh and E, although I don’t know how you two will get along?

Huh? Well, let’s see what he said next (the very sentence that has had me imagening all sorts of scenarios since):

“Well E is no longer together with <insert name of guy in his office>”

Run that by me again, see if I can solve 2+2 - last fall you were in love with this unnamed girl, who were dating some guy in your office, and now E is no longer dating a guy in your office. Coincidence? I think not. Have I had the balls to ask him? No. But I strongly suspect E is the girl from last fall. So, what am I thinking right now:

a) There’s no way in hell I’m gonna have a girl over that you have been (and maybe still am) infatuated with.
b) Well, maybe if she got a new bf that she was madly in love with.
c) Should I be worried? There’re still a couple of months till I’m able to be more than a weekend girlfriend - what if he’s still in love with her? What if he tells me “oh I had E over today”???

I might be overreacting (I hope I am), but my female intuition is lighting all the red bulbs and ringing right off the scale.

How should I handle this? I need advice, please.

-Tikster

2

He’s using you until he finds something better. Get out before you move in together. Hopefully your name isn’t on the lease. Better to have pain now when you can deal with it on your own that later when you have to with it locked in the bathroom of your joint apartment 'cause you just walked in on him and ‘E’ in your bed together.

Run…fast…

3

When you see the red light, bail bail bail!

I saw the red light in the beginning of a relationship that ended in me getting horribly heartbroken and living an hour away from my home.

Sounds like he’s just using you.

On preview, what xbuckeye said.

4

I agree with what the first two people replying have said. You know the relationship isn’t healthy, you described yourself as a “sucker”, so you know you’re getting “took”. He’s basically testing the waters to see if you’d let “another woman” into the relationship willingly. “Will she look the other way, and suffer bravely through my infidelities?” You’re worth more than that. Leave. You’re strong enough. It’s gonna hurt, but not nearly as much as the blow to your self esteem if you allow him to continue using you as a fallback mat. Good luck.

5

Run. Run like the wind.

6

What they said.

7

Run. With as much speed as you can conveniently muster.

Do not look back. Forget his phone number. Don’t answer his calls, respond to his letters, or see him if you can possibly avoid it.

8

You gotta dump him, hon. You’ve been with him 7 years – barring extenuating circumstances, you’ve done waited 5 years too long for this guy. If he hasn’t committed by now, he never will – and you don’t have another 5 years to wait around.

You’re a freakin physicist! You’re too smart for this!!!

9

Grow, borrow or rent a pair and ask him. You’ve been with him for seven years, now, and you’re an adult. In that time, I hope you developed a line of communication strong enough to pose such a question. It’s important for you to know, from him. Even if you think he’s going to lie, ask him anyway.

10

After seven years, you will never be more than a weekend girlfriend to him. I’ve been in your exact position, except I ended up wasting 10 years of my life on the jerk and every time I think about him now, I thank God we never got married or had kids.

Your intuition a/k/a survival instinct is telling you the truth–trust it, it’s much more reliable than he is.

As everyone else has said, run away as fast as you can.

11

Just in case you missed the other posts… RUN!

12

I guess you’re all right, I mean… I know you are. Seems I have some decisions to be making.

Thank you all.
-Tikster

13

Um, yes you are.

Get out or get used to be stomped on by the muddy workboots of relationship hell.

14

If you can’t ask him if he’s in love with someone else, why the heck to you want to move in with him?? If you have trouble with communication now, it’s not going to get better when you share a rent payment.

15

No, your boyfirend isn’t leaving soon. He has what he wants, a vagina in a jar (with apologies to Chris Rock) in case he doesn’t get any sniffing around. You are the one who’s leaving soon, as in now.

16

When my DH was still just a BF, he had an ex come look him up. I encouraged him to see her (if he wanted) because I sure didin’t want him to be with me years later and wondering if he made the right decision.

Push him out the door. He may discover just how ‘rockin’ you are. If not, then good riddance.