This is my first time doing this online dating thing so forgive me if I sound incredibly naive.
So I’m currently having a conversation with someone I met on Okcupid. Whats going on is, I’ll drop her a short message, (Just a few lines. I was advised to keep it short and sweet) then she’ll come back at me with a short message. This whole back and forth thing takes a day each time. (One message going her way one going mine)
This seems like a very inefficient way to get to know somebody. Is this normally how it works? Do people as a general rule, set up a time so they can text in real time?
I guess what I’m asking is what’s the next step? Because it seems like at this rate, it will take us forever to get to a point where we would actually know each well other enough to want to meet.
Thanks
I found I had better results if, after the initial one or two short “intro” messages, I sent longer messages with more detail about myself, especially humorous stuff, and that allowed me to respond more fully to whatever they had said. You may or may not get longer replies back; some people just aren’t comfortable with that. If I was comfortable and still interested in the guy after a few days/exchanges, I would suggest we text or email. Frequently, that would lead to talking by phone.
Some people move pretty quickly: one or two days of messaging via the dating site, then texting and talking. Some people move very slowly: I’ve heard of women who want to stick with messaging via the online site for several weeks (!!). I was somewhere in the middle.
As a side note, and to give you encouragement, after two years and a few months and having kissed a lot of frogs, I have met The One and have happily deleted my profile. It can happen.
Last time I did it, I opened my inbox to find a long rambling 4-paragraph introduction of herself combined with thoughts and reactions to my profile. I really felt like she got me, and she sounded interesting, so I wrote a similar-sized post back to her. In the morning she’d replied once, briefly, and a second time at greater length. She opened up and talked about alternative structures she’s tried in relationships and what has worked and what hasn’t, what her attitude tends to be going in, and so on.
So I wrote back with about 7 new paragraphs plus a 2-page excerpt from a book about sex roles I’d written way back when I was 19. She wrote back an hour later. By the third day it would have needed an editor to pare it down to short story size. I’d post then check back at 15 minute intervals. Looking forward to that next msg was what lit up my life. It was quite exciting!
The only purpose of online dating is to find people to go on real dates with. That’s it. Once you’ve established mutual interest, you’ll want to set up an initial date (which may be over coffee or some other quick, low-pressure screener.) Once you’ve each exchanged a message or two, it’s time to ask to meet.
Then again, there’s tons of stories of horrible first dates through dating sites. When reading those, I wonder in how many cases said disaster could have been averted by exchanging a few more messages beforehand and see the crazy come out that way rather than in person.
Yes, exactly. Sometimes people on dating sites are conversing with many people and keeping it short, to see who bites, kind of like fishing.
Ask her if she would like to meet face to face. The answer might be not yet if she is shy and reserved, or just no and you move on, or possibly yes.
If yes, you set up a date in a public venue that will allow for conversation. Like lunch and a walk in the park, museum visit, etc. Short date, you will be able to tell fairly soon if you can stand each other for a longer date, if not, no harm no foul.
Do not take her to a movie, a movie is where you take someone you don’t want to talk to, ends up being a couple of hours of awkwardness.
No. Step 1) mutual interest. Step 2) a sufficiently long enough period of messaging to help determine if potential date is a psycho/stalker/stage five clinger.
Note: there is no guarantee that any amount of messaging will always ferret out one of the above, but it’s still wise to take the more cautious route.
Well, you’ll never have a horrible date if you never actually make it to the “date” part.
A 15 minute daytime coffee date in a public place is not more risky than any of the millions of other mildly risky things we do when we walk out of the door in the morning.
If you treat online dating like you would, say, wooing a coworker, it’s not going to work. The comparative advantage to online dating is in numbers. It efficiently enables introductions to a a large number of people who have been screened for basic deal breakers. If you aren’t leveraging that advantage, you are really reducing your chances of a positive outcome.
I’m less concerned about stalkers, etc. and more concerned about the other person not representing themselves honestly in their pictures. I have a paragraph in my profile saying that I’m not interested in chatting online indefinitely and that I prefer to meet face to face.
If you think online dates are not “real dates” no wonder you aren’t having much success with it!
To “date” is to interact and communicate. Some venues let you do some parts of it well and others less well (a noisy dance, for example, brings you in close proximity but you won’t do much talking). Online is a venue that is very verbal, very textual. If that doesn’t much appeal to you, maybe you should switch to something else, speed-dates or video-dates perhaps. But give it a try. Open up in words. Write some impassioned letters about what you’d really like to find and experience in love and sex and whatnot. Analyze what has worked well and what you’ve fucked up, let her know where you’ve been and what you’ve done.
On the last “coffee date” I had, the woman went to the restroom. When she returned, I was stirring her coffee. She initially hesitated taking a sip, then I couldn’t keep a straight face any longer. I got up and got her a fresh cup.
+1. The next step is meet in person, or perhaps a phone call if you need to make an intermediary step. There’s no need to get hung up on a lot of internet messaging only to find out you have no chemistry in person. I suppose people’s styles may vary, but that’s my opinion.
