Never, EVER stay married “for the child’s sake.” A child is MUCH better off with two happily divorced parents than living within an unhappy, grim, tense home. I don’t know why people seem to think a child is better off with two fighting, unhappy, sulking parents who pile guilt on the poor kid, staying together and ruining their lives “just for YOU, darling!”
It sounds like that the marriage is over but you are deathly afraid of change or having anyone have poor feelings about you. Do you think that your wife or child won’t find out about this affair? If you are staying together for the sake of your child, then everyone’s lives for the next ten to fifteen years will be a sham. You’re child deserves better than that.
If you are feeling so empty in your marriage, how do you think your wife feels?
Try a counselor or therapist, if your wife won’t go, then go alone. It can only help you see what is eating you inside and help you let go of the past and make a fresh start.
Don’t stay for the child…
“it’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one.”
I know from experience.
I truly believe this varies with the situation. This is the kind of debate (telling vs. not telling) that has excellent points on both sides; however, I lean toward the honesty and telling all camp.
However, that is in ideal circumstances. I know that I, personally, would want to know if Brian cheated on me, rather than it become a secret that could possibly drive a wedge between us. Tubadiva, you’ve made excellent points that I agree with, if circumstances are as you suggest. If he wants to tell her simply to clear his own conscience, it’s selfish and useless and would indeed only exacerbate the problem, rather than heal it. Yet, if he tells her in humble apology and grief (which I do not believe he currently feels), it’s far more honoring of her. It does not seem to be where Ferrous currently stands, and thus, telling her at this point would be of limited benefit.
I speak from only the weakest relevant experience; my boyfriend (of two years, come tomorrow! :D) struggled with a true addiction to porn, strip clubs, etc. a few years ago. It was more or less resolved/conquered by the time we began dating; however, he had a “relapse” during an extremely stressful time in his life. He tearfully confessed to me what had happened within two days. He explained that he couldn’t not tell me–he loved and respected me too much, and he felt it was owed to me.
I know the story isn’t really a fair comparison–there was no emotional involvement with another woman, no dissatisfaction in our personal relationship, etc.–so please don’t assume I’m trying to draw direct parallels to a drastically more complicated (and painful) situation. I value honestly and openness so much in any of my relationships, nonetheless what I anticipate in a marital relationship, that I cannot help but express that preference.
As I’ve been reading and following along, however, I’ve become aware that how this is best handled is completely subjective based on the people involved. Ferrous sounds like he has a problematic relationship with his wife, to say the least, so what’s best to do is nearly impossible to discern from this end. (Then again, I don’t necessarily think he was asking for advice…his raw post seems more like a need to share than anything else.)
BTW, Tuba, I agree with you 100% on the internet relationship’s escapism. It’s simply sad. I recognize there are always exceptions, but a majority of the time, they’re unhealthy and short-lived.
Also…I understand why some people may smell a scam, but personally, I believe he is a reg simply using a new screenname for anonymity’s sake. Quite understandable.
Ferrous: OK so you are not a scam. How did you find this board all of a sudden, when you needed to unload?
He’s most likely one of us, Sunbear.
It’s actually a compliment to the community; who can you go to if not your friends?
Let’s respect his desire for anonymity, for exactly who this might be is not that important. He’s a fellow human being with a problem, that’s enough.
BTW, if I have sounded judgmental or ugly, neither was my intention.
your humble TubaDiva
Isn’t anyone at all concerned about what diseases this man may be bringing home to his wife? Get real people, this is the new age of terminal results from one night stands. How can he not tell her and then go get tested???
I tell only because I was asked… I’m one of you, as TubaDiva and Laura Rae have concluded.
I don’t plan on telling my wife. I know that would not do anything constructive, at least not at this point.
No Laura, I did not place this post to get advice, although the support here has been very helpful. I have no one to talk to, it’s not the kind of thing I can ask Mom or Sister about.
And for me, it’s not a question of should I leave my wife or not. That will or won’t happen as our situation warrants. I guess I created the post out of a need to say SOMETHING to SOMEONE.
Yes, my marriage is problematic. We have good times too, but short-lived ones, and that’s how it’s been as long as we’ve been married. I used to think, too bad for me, and that I’d just live with it. But now, I can’t say that. I got myself into quite a predicament, and someone if not everyone is going to be terribly hurt.
I think that if I were able to call things off with the other person, it would have no immediate effect on my marriage. I would probably just bury the experience deep into my mind and leave it there forever.
Tuba, I did not infer any judgment from your posts. I appreciate your sternness and objectivity. If I may, the only quarrel I’d offer to your words is where you ask if this is the kind of woman I want to be with, referring to someone who gets involved with a married man. I can’t argue with that logic - if I’m reading you correctly - “how can I love someone who would love someone like me?”
Kay, you are right. I did not think about health issues, mine or my family’s, in a moment of passion. I have no excuse for this.
Well, if you don’t tell your wife and you come down with some sort of VD & you give it to your wife, then isn’t it true you have not given her the choice on whether she wanted to risk getting something?
You are right handy. All in all what I did was selfish, I have nothing to offer in my defense.
That’s not at all what I meant, but it’s illuminating as to how you think of her. You may love her, but you don’t respect her, and that is fatal for any relationship.
But it’s already been established that none of this is about her anyway, it’s all about you – and now we can add “lack of self esteem” to the list. I guess nobody worthwhile would care for you, right?
I’ll repeat something I wrote earlier: “When you come from the hunger place, you will not make good choices.”
This is true for both of you.
She’s so hungry that she will settle for what she can get – she’s getting crumbs of love off your marriage table and she’s trying to make a meal out of it. And you are so hungry to get your needs met that you will do whatever it takes to get that happening, regardless of the consequences to any of you.
It’s not that I’m stern, but that this situation has such absolutes. There’s not a lot of grey areas here; it’s right and wrong and you got the choice to do either one.
And no, I’m not objective, either. And I’ll even tell you why: because I know what this is like from the darkest place in my soul – and I would not wish this pain on another human being. I hope I have learned from my experiences – and if I can save one other person from what I went through, then I’ve done a good thing and maybe even balanced those karmic scales a little better.
Of course, we never learn anything from the suffering of others, but I wanted to try, just the same.
your humble TubaDiva
I know everyone is trying to be helpful, but the very first step is counselling - you have to work through it yourself, with the help of a professional, and figure out what it is you want/need, and what is best for everyone involved.
TubaDiva (may I call you Tuba?):
I’m sorry if I misunderstood your earlier post, but I was reading your words, not mine. I do not lack respect for her, but rather I thought that that’s what you were implying. And while I feel bad for what I have done and am doing, I would hardly say that “no one worthwhile would care for me.” Fidelity is obviously stricken from my list of attributes, though I do not view myself so harshly.
As for what motivates her, I can only say as much as I know. Is she settling for the crumbs of my marriage? I doubt it. Is she getting less than she deserves? Absolutely.
I refer to Gail’s post of a few months back, and the several replies analyzing the likely motivations of Gail’s friend. When I read that, I thought, you can pick apart even the healthiest relationships and empirically determine what motivates the people involved. And when you do that, no matter how sincere the love, it sounds cheaper and flimsier than it is. To say that Gail’s friend is “looking for someone he can care for” and Gail is a likely target because of her present situation, is to minimize the man’s sincerity and Gail’s personal worth. He loves her for who she is and for how she makes him feel, not unlike how most relationships begin.
But I digress. Does my friend love me because the little I can give her is more than she’s ever known? Could be. But I would prefer to think of it in these terms: she appreciates me and what I can give. If I am wrong to put “feeling appreciated” high on my list of personal needs, then judge me so.
Thank you TubaDiva for your continued understanding, this is more helpful than you can imagine.
Please close this thread and give some attention and pity to someone who deserves it!!
Here’s the link to the Gail post, which I failed to include above.
Cheating is the word here. You are cheating yourself mostly. Firstly you need to own up to these actions as choices, not wise ones, but choices none the less. As long as you rationalize away at causes and reasons, you miss the point. You made this choice. And the choice you have made is robbing you of your integrity. I’m sure your marriage is in trouble but you first need to know you made a choice here. Secondly you need to recognise that you and this second woman are definitely cheating each other by not offering up the best of what you are. That’s the one thing that always ends these sorts of illicit affairs. You are hobbling yourselves. It is rudely unhealthy and as you appear to be an intelligent being you are aware of all of this. Show shut up and own up and grow up, you know what you are doing, and you know it’s unhealthy, and you know it’s your choice. Get over yourself and start applying your intellect.
I have to say something, based on personal experience, and I’ll be brief.
1)If you tell her, it is over,even if you work things out, she will forever wonder if you are thinking of the internet slut while you bounce on top of her.
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If you continue this type of behavior, you endanger her life-HER LIFE!!For the love of god, use a condom!!!
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I dont get the impression that the home is unhappy or grim, and that your child will be damaged if you zip up and shut up…if you leave, you better be prepared for what this will do to junior…do some research.
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me, me, me…you have responsibilities, a family, so what if you arent totally happy, or sublimely fufilled…suck it up you sniveler! It would be a refreshing change to see a man commit, and then STICK to it!
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you say its not just sex…you have feelings for this woman…what kind of woman starts a relationship on the INTERNET???and with a married man with a child…
you sicken me.
there is nothing, NOTHING worse than having unprotected sex with your skank…(you dont know her history, she has undoubtedly done this many times before, you sucker!) and then bringing your dirty dink home to your clean wife.
how would you feel if you gave her a big tongue kiss tomorrow, and she smiles and asks “So, how did he taste?”
Stop cheating, logoff cheaters.com, and be a man.
Hmm. I’ll try the advice thing, too. Why not?
Telling her is pointless and cruel. Lose the lover, though, quickly, before she finds out.
Attempt to rekindle the romance. Take her out to dinner, go on vacation, woo her like you’re teenagers, make out in the theatre or something. Keep trying. If it works, your problem is solved.
If this doesn’t work after a few months of constant effort on your part, divorce her. It’s the best thing you can do for her, the kid, and yourself. Do this while making sure you remain a part of your kid’s life and that she can support them comfortably.
Since my post from last May was mentioned, I feel obliged to reply.
I believe that the temptation to cheat comes from problems in the marriage almost always. There are guys (and girls) who can’t be faithful no matter how good they have it but they are probably in the minority.
I used to believe it would be easy to be faithful. I suppose that has to do with my chronically low self-esteem. I figured, I’d never be tempted because when I was available, guys weren’t exactly lining up at my doorstep.
So anyway–people say they can’t be tempted but now I know differently—I believe anybody can be tempted. And I can’t be too self-righteous when I read about Ferrous’ situation.
Also–the guy that I had (still have) a crush on. I think he liked me because I was the opposite of his wife. She is a native of Japan and very subservient. But I was always pretty spunky and opinionated.
And I havent’ seen the guy in over a month–we went to a movie in July and he brought his mom. (What was that all about?)
I’ve recently posted in Why do you stay also in MPSIMS for anyone who would like more details.
Gail
“Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you, my friend–
Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again…”
-Steely Dan
kelli - you do not know enough about Ferrous’s marriage to condemn him this way.
Quite frankly, last year I described my marriage in the exact same terms as he did. I was not getting enough love and support from my husband. At this point, as far as you know that could mean anything from me getting daily beatings to him not buying me the Jaguar I wanted. In my situation, one concrete example of the problems in our relationship was that two weeks after my father died he expected me to be his perenially happy playmate and was upset that I was still unhappy. His response to my grief was that I needed to see a therapist to get over it!
Commitment is very important in a marriage and often tolerance has to be exercised to nurture a relationship; however, you can tolerate too much.
As I told people after my divorce, there’s a fine and hard to see line between a good relationship with to be expected bad times, and a bad relationship with bright spots. Ferrous Wheel is trying to decide what side of the line he is on, and I will tell you - it’s one of the most painful things anyone can work through.
Ferrous - for what it’s worth, you have my support.
Also fwiw, your situation sounds remarkably like mine before my divorce. Not only because of the lack of love; I also had the experience of episodes “that reminds me … why I am considering the need to move on for good” occurring just when I was ready to resolve problems and recommit to my marriage. In my situation, I believe that my husband could not handle a major change in our life that we had agreed & started on. Instead of resolving this problem, he kept starting arguments to avoid the main issue. This is called passive aggression.
Someone has said that a counselor will not help. This is foolish - if nothing else, a counselor will give you information and insights into your relationship with your wife that will help you get off the ferris wheel you’re on now.