My mom, she usually is guilty of the SBD’s, but occasionally would toot. Her responses were thus:
Inside @ home - “There’s a goose hiding in here somewhere”
Outside - “Look! Geese!”
Inside in public, like at a store - “I didn’t know they let geese in here.”
Yeah, this is surprising. I work at a factory that is mostly (nearly all) male. Farting is like the favorite pastime here.
We have a maintenence guy that likes to fart into a machine or electrical panel, then get the attention of another technician and tell him that such-and-such machine is acting up and can he go look at it. Of course the tech, goes over, opens the guarding or panel door, sticks his face in to get a better look, and much laughing is had by all.
Another guy likes to wait for a group of business execs or something to come through on a tour. He’ll go right in the midst of them and just cut loose, no one can hear anything because its a noisy factory, but all the operators and other witnesses just enjoy all the uncomfortable reactions.
During the “toxic gases” portion of a safety meeting at my workplace, nearly two minutes was spent discussing the gases produced by two of the shop workers. As far as the guys in the office are concerned, I think a great deal of cropdusting takes place…they aren’t very vocal about it.
I am so glad where I work isn’t a fart fest. And I’ll repeat again that I’m so glad I have my own office.
I love that - I’m going to have to use that next time my husband lets loose a particularly juicy one.
He hasn’t met enough women. 
“I stepped on a duck!”
“Someone light a match!”
“Hi! Opal!”
Give person nearby a dirty look “Geez dude!”
“I play the butt trumpet!”
“Good to hear from the accounting department.”
“I forgot to ask you to pull my finger.”
“I think you boys have had enough beans.”
Just to clarify, the OP was in the middle of an absolute tsunami of flattus. I seriously did not think my immediate surroundings would ever be the same again, and there had been a couple of days of this. As a rule, I had been able to get to the bathroom in advance of the most formidible episodes of Brownian motion, but on that day I was responsible for things that might have been mistaken for signifiers of the apocalypse in an era defined by omens and portents. In my absence, I believe my coworkers dowsed my chair and other acoutrements with aerosol treatments for such conditions. In other words, this was not some pedestrian fart that could be excused with a wink and a nod. I was inadvertently guilty of offenses against the shared dignity of humanity, and for that, I did greviously repent.
Since the OP, it’s been better. There was a smoothie recipe that I had very obviously overindulged in, the consequences of which did not become obvious for a couple of days later. I’ve been able to get by on smaller portions going forward, and am focusing on increasing my aerobic fitness (no, not THAT aerobic fitness, the regular one) and general weight loss.
Thank you all for your support during this emotional time. It has really meant a lot to me.
You’re welcome. 
My husband has a recipe for incredible flatulence - it involves carbo-loading and protein-loading and I think there’s chocolate cake in there somewhere. Why, you ask, does he have a recipe for this? I ask myself the same thing some times.
I burning your toot! 
Actually, I agree with the remain quiet folks. Although I would be very, very worried if someone were to come up to me afterwards and tell me what I had for dinner last night.
If you’re approaching 40, changing your diet won’t help. Farts are part of middle age. Learn to live with it.
HAHA. This is the best suggestion.
I find hand sanitizer helpful for dealing with the lingering effects of ripping ass. It’s been my experience that it helps mask the odor quite effectively. I recommend it for everyone’s office. Nothing worse than someone coming in there moments after a toot.
If it wasn’t for “flattus” I would have thought this might be about something of an earth shattering cosmic calamity.
I surely can relate though… one night out to a friend’s band outing I eat a few peanuts and drank some brewskies and the rest of that evening was permanently etched in my brain.
With your snake-oil, herbs and your liniments too,
You can do anything that a doctor can do,
Except find a cure for your own goddamn stew,
On the Goodnight trail,
On the Loving trail…
– (Recording of) On the Goodnight Trail, On the Loving Trail ('Utah" Phillips)