I know who (what) Cecil is!!

-After long hours of careful study of nearly twenty years of The Straight Dope I have found out what Cecil Adams really is.

Cybernetic
Emotion
Capable
Information
Locator

Or C.E.C.I.L… However this is where the trail stopped. I had no idea where the Adams came from. Until today.

American
Dynamic
Automated
Machinery
Services

-It’s a coporate tag!! They just built an office complex here in Lexington. We truly are through the looking glass.

I also have some disturbing information on Soylent Green, that you should know.

Not deleted yet. Okey doke.

I thought the L stood for left-handed.

You cannot define Cecil Adams with mere words. He is much beyond that.

Bow down and repent you infidel.

Watch for Ophanim to post again. If he does, they didn’t have to kill him, so he guessed wrong.

If that was his last post, ever. . . .

If they killed him he would just become a martyr!

Or they could let him live so you’ll think he was wrong because he wasn’t killed…

Hello… friends… I… am… still… alive… therefore… I… was… wrong. You… can… go… about… your… lives… now.


Your humble,
Tubassassin

Ah, but the Board Moderators have tremendous power. They could have killed him/her and then assumed the name so that others would think that he/she was wrong and allowed to live.

I think the Ophanim at the end is an impostor.

Viper

Watch your step, Viper. If we did it to him, (not that I’m admitting anything, mind you), we could do it to you…

maybe we should do a retina scan on Oph to make sure it is the real one?


“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas

Of… course… I’m… me. Now… put… this… C.E.C.I.L… business… out… of… your… head… Before you are silenced, Infidel!


Your Humble,
Tubassassin

I am sorry, I was mistaken, he must be the real Ophanim, the board would never do anything to any of its posters, no matter what they think they have discovered.

Viper

Yes… Viper… is right. NEVER EVER DISPUTE THE BOARD. You don’t wanna risk “termination” from “the board” do you?
BWAAAHHHHAAAAHHHAAAA!!!


Your Humble,
Tubassassin

No spelling errors.

No stupid remarks about the Japanese.

No totally fried Pink Floyd references.

This is not the Ophanim we’ll all know, love & ridicule at every possible opportunity, or at least whenever he is’nt looking.

It’s… A Clone.
A sheep in posters clothing, that is. (nods to Dolly)


Is an appreciation of beauty a function of the human soul?

Don’t listen to him!! There is NO Ophanim clone!!! Just me! See, the Japanese are… um… stupid, and Pink Floyd is… uh… Groovy. See, no clones, no assassins, no nothing. Now stop this or be deleted!!! From the board I mean.


Your Humble,
Tubassassin

Hey guys, I haven’t been here long enough to know Ophanim like you do, but do those ampersands spell out “torture” in morse code?

They spell nothing. Do not continue with this line of thought. It will lead to nowhere.

There is nothing strange going on on this board.

Just drop it.

Viper

Yes, there is nothing wrong with the board. To say so would be revolution. Now stop this at once or face being silenced!

Your Humble,
Tubassassin

In Triumph of the Straight Dope (Cecil Adams, 1999), it reads, on the “About the Author” page, “Cecil Adams is still the author. If anything changes, we’ll let you know”.

I read this as a friendly warning that there is no need to inquire any further into this topic..