I laughed so hard that [INSERT LIQUID HERE]

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I laughed so hard that [INSERT LIQUID HERE]

After recently reading some humorous threads, I noticed a disturbing trend. If a post is sufficiently hilarious, it has the strange power to make liquids spurt out of readers with disturbing frequency. It is only a matter of time before somebody follows up with:

  • “I laughed so hard that tears were spurting out of my ducts.”
  • “That was so funny it made snot explode from my nose.”
  • “After reading that, I actually pissed myself laughing.”
  • “That post made me spurt coffee all over my monitor, my keyboard, and my children.”

At the very least, someone will throw in the obligatory “You owe me new keyboard.”

What’s the deal? Why the inability to control bodily fluids? I sometimes laugh aloud, but without liquids spraying from every orifice. Is there some kind of medical condition that causes people to expel so much liquid involuntarily? I would think the sheer cost of replacing coffee-stained computer equipment would cause people to swallow before they read anything potentially amusing. And why are people drinking so much when they read the boards? Do they just sit there with a mouth full of coffee waiting for sufficient justification to spray it everywhere? Come on, people. Exercise some control over your digestive and urinary tracts!

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You owe me a new keyboard

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One time, me and my friends were at Burger King in between the end of classes and the beginning of rehearsal. I was waiting in line to get another cheeseburger, and my friend Jason comes down to the line, takes my dollar, and says, “Dude, I’ll wait in line for you, just go up to the table. You have to see this.”

So I go back to the table, and I see the rest of my frienda red-faced and tearly-eyed, like they had just seen the funniest thing since funny began. One of them help up a napkin that held about one-half inch of French Fry, complete with traces of ketchup, and declared, “This just came out of Tom’s nose.”

Apparently, Brendan had expressed concern about being drafted (this was about 1998, so it was just a random topic). Jason told Brendan, “Eh, you won’t have to go, you could just claim obesity.” Apparently, that gem sufficiently riled up the scant muscles that link the mouth and nostrils, and sent that magical potato scrap soaring out the nostril of Tom. Apparently such a thing is noticably, but not unbearably, painful.

I just wish that this event had a funnier punchline than “obesity.”

So remember kids, you are never safe, even when eating solid food.