I Like You And All, But That Doesn't Mean You Can Fart On Me...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What interesting anal vocalizations my dog makes.

Every now and then, as she lays down sleeping, one can hear the not so subtle sounds of her breathing, through her canine anus.

Imagine my surprise, when while watching Labyrinth, hearing the sleeping dog suddenly blow a raspberry through her little doggy butt cheeks. She didn’t even wake up either, or at least, pretended not too. Just the dog lying there, sleeping next to me, suddenly farting.

Certainly not very ladylike.

Now, admittedly, they don’t stink. Just odorless rumblings as the dog sleeps. Nothing like our cat Nightmare, who once, as I picked her up, released the mother of all SBD’s on me.

As I picked her up, I just felt this subtle muffled poot. Realizing what the cat had done, I held her closer, intending to say “Nightmare! Did you fart!?”

And then it hit me. A sudden wave of gagging stench, almost making me fall over. Amazing it was, how such a tiny volume of this horrible fuming stench could have such a drastic effect, and quite nauseating.

I realize now that holding the cat closer was a mistake, so we shall chalk that up to “learning experiences”

It’s filed under “PUT THE CAT DOWN if you feel her poot.”

But the dog, thankfully, emits no stench. No foul reek that causes ones eyes to water.

No, instead I have a dog who occasionally pops a loud, but scentless pocket of rectal gas around me, friends, family, and whoever else may be in the room when the dog rips one.

sighs

I realize that it may very well be diet related, but completely disregarding that solution, I am trying to come up with other solutions.

I have in my posession various tuned pipes and mufflers for R/C gas engines, and I am thinking that with the installation of one, While not silencing the rumble, could at least give her a nice, high performance sound. Well, at least what the “6” exhaust on a Civic" crowd would consider aggressive. I have some DynoMax Super Turbos that sound really nice on my 8 Cylinder Chrysler, but I wonder if it might be a bit overkill for my Single Cylinder Lab. Also, I wonder what kind of exhaust tips would look good on her. I don’t want to go with some oversized gaudy tips, but a nice, conservative set of exhaust tips that look subtle, but hint at the gastromic (Is that a word? I think not, but it is now, as I just used it) power within.

Admittedly, seeing Tasha running around wearing the latest Corsa Exhaust may be a bit odd, but that is why I have turned to you, my fellow dopers, to assist me with this dillemna.

[sub]And no, I am not serious. You’ve heard of jest, right? Yes, the dog farts, no, I don’t actually intend on shoving a tailpipe in her butt. But we can pretend, right?[/sub]

2

God, what I wouldn’t give for odorless doggy farts. Our Holly Dog lets go the green tinged stink bombs of death.

3

Ahhh, ricer dogs.

Might I suggest a Cherry Bomb and a 4/11 rear end?

4

This morning I heard a faint noise and my first thought was, oh, no, my golden retriever Rusty had let out one of his rare silent-but-NOT-deadlies (as opposed to his usual SBDs). I nearly fled the room just out of habit, knowing better than to stay anywhere within 500 feet, but then realized that there WAS no odor.

Turned out Papa Tiger had left his pager at home and it was buzzing gently on the dresser in the next room.

And we’re still trying to figure out if the recent stench that filled the downstairs of our house one evening was a random burst of sewer gas through one of the household pipes, or one of Rusty’s better efforts. :eek:

Thanks for the image of the Single Cylinder Lab, though. And thank heavens we have a No Cylinder Lab, since he’s no far been innocent in the stench-producing category!

5

All of the dog butts around here are boring boring boring. They just run around with what nature gave 'em and it gets really old. Most look like when you cut off a tree limb and then a little bark grows back over the edge. Sheesh.

I’m with ya dude. More owners need to stick decorative pipes in their pets asses. Some chrome, bronze, something. And heh, if it make their rectal outbursts more audibly pleasurable then hey, more power to 'em.

6

Well, I am all for a nice natural dog butt, it’s the sound quality that I am more worried about. You see, Tasha’s farts are not of the loud, floor rattling variety, but instead, the tinny little, albiet funny, farts.

What I want, is a nice, throaty, but subdued rumble whenever Tasha does decide to vent some exhaust gases all over the place, without the exhaust itself looking overly gaudy. Right now, I am leaning towards a nice flowmaster muffler, and some relatively simple exhaust tips. I think a nice oval tip would compliment the dog’s lines quite nicely, so long as the tip wasn’t overly huge.

What I am unsure of, is whether I should go with a chrome tip, or a brushed one instead.

Decisions, decisions.

I’d take Tasha over to the local auto customizing shop, but I guess they have a now pets policy (Oh ye of little imagination!) so that rules out her checking them out for herself and seeing what she wants.

Maybe there is a local car show around sometime soon.

7

our lil border terrier lets out the most evil SBDs imaginable. since it’s only a small dog, i think i need a big-bore exhaust, and either a catalytic converter (to turn the nast gasses into less smelly ones) or an igniter (to burn them off) :smiley:

8

gah, me kant speel…

9

A catalytic converter, quite the interesting idea.

I doubt that dog exhaust would have the required heat for catalyst light-off though. One of the kits for making your cars exhaust shoot flames would probably work well for incinerating the dog farts and rendering them less volatile.

I would hope that the dog this option is installed on is of the short tailed variety. Nothing worse than dog farts blended with aromatic burned fur.

Lovely.

I should sell scented candles in that scent.

10

What I need is an amplifier for both my cat and dog. They have to SBD type and that s is killing me. some of the questions I need to answer about this new fangled device: 1) What have I gained? 2)Should the speaker used be a tweeter? 3) What is the frequency of gas?

11

If you could come up with some sort of methane sensor, you could probably wire it up so that it emits a subtle, but always classy:

“CAT FARTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!”

In lieu of the whole fart noise thing period. Judging by Nightmare’s past SBD record, such a warning would be quite appropriate, and appreciated by everyone in your household.

Besides, who doesn’t want bionic pets?

I’d get Tasha wired up with a cool red glowing terminator style eye if I could, as it would serve additional function of allowing me to see the black dog in front of me at night, with no lights on.

Would certainly beat tripping over her, and damnit, she would look cool too. I can see it now, the glow of her red glowing eye, subtly highlighting the room she is in, allowing the slightest gleam from her chrome exhaust.

12

Besides the igniter, can you rig it up with nitrous oxide too? Maybe some whippets on her collar?

I think you should cruise various veterinarian offices and hospitals and check out what sort of ride the vet has. If you find a vet who rides a chopper, you might just have found a comrade.

13

Okay, I don’t own a dog personally, but my grandparents do. And I’m thinking that a duel exhaust would probably be a bit more … “sophisticated”, well as far as sophisticated goes for dog exhausts.

You may, … or may not for that matter, want to follow this visually.

The way I’d make my doggy tooter extruder, would starting from the anus, you split to the left and right, and slightly down so that the tail can lay comfortably on the metal contraption. Bringing the pipes straight forward (towards the head, after rounding the hips) about half to 3/4 of the way up. Make the pipes cross over the back and around each other, rounding them in this position will give excellent support for front of the “Tail” pipe. Bring the pipes back around towards the end and add your tips.

I’m getting a very nice visual here. Don’t forget the chrome rims, or the ground effect lighting. Oh man the mind boggles at the possibilities… I’m gonna work on a mockup photograph of my idea, I’ll post it later

-ProzacGod

14

As to number 2–er, question 2, that is–obviously, you should use a woofer for the dog. I would reserve the tweeter for use with particularly flatulent canaries. I’m not sure about the cat; maybe a large klaxon with strobing red lights?

15

modro congrats on threadspotting.

I just this morning answered my question about the frequency of gas, especially with dogs. It is much more frequent when she eats lamb. cough, cough, gag

ProzacGod great 1st post.

16

My insane cat seems to have grown out of the farting stage (fingers crossed), but at one point there did seem to be a ratio between length of tongue extruding from front end at time of fart, and strength of aroma from rear end. More tongue=more stench, and more rapidly disappearing kitten from the room.
Although this theory was made harder to test by the fact that the little sod seemed to favour the Silent But Violent technique, discovery only occuring when you innocently walk through the invisible noxious cloud, and feel the involuntary retch reflex…

17

So basically, y’all are looking for dog farts that sound like, “potato, potato, potato,” right? Maybe a trip to the local HD store is in order.

18

See, Tasha’s are silent, but not very deadly. It is Nightmare who will knock you onto the floor by virtue of the sheer potency of her noxious clouds of death.

Mariachi Kitty, HD store?

19

The heck with the dogs and cats. We need these devices for humans.

At one time in my life, I was paired up with a sweet young lady who loved to snuggle on cold nights. After she went to sleep, though, she would fart on my legs.

The hair still hasn’t grown back in a couple of patches around my knees.

20

I’d go with a Woofer myself!