Wasn’t there just an entire thread about this exact subject?
You are seriously overreacting, IMO. (1) Leaving a note for anyone at their home, under any circumstances, necessarily involves “turning up at their place when they’re not there.” Unless they ARE there, in which case: no note, you just talk to them. God help the guy if he had thought, “Hey! I think I’ll just drop by and see if Tracy is home to invite her to the next gig. I can show my interest in person, because I’m a pretty charming guy and I do better in person than in writing.” No doubt you would have called the po-po’s on him. (2) Unless you were putting on a silhouette peep show for him in your lit window, the guy had no way to know if you were getting changed, taking a pee, watching TV, or scrubbing the floor. Nor do you know that he was staring at your window in any event. (3) If you INVITE someone in AND they leave within a reasonable time, without even making a move on you, they have not “invaded” your home, and feeling that way, while not irrational considering how powerless you felt when the situation went out of your control (you felt), is nevertheless a complete overreaction.
The guy was interested in you. You allowed yourself to be manuevered into a situation where you felt seriously uncomfortable. Just don’t do it again: Don’t have anything to do with him in the future, and don’t make the same mistake with the next guy.
Learning that lesson doesn’t require you misconstrue possibly (I would go so far as to say “probably”) innocent actions on his part as malevolent in order to justify your own feelings.
You let him into your apartment at 3 in the morning.
In my personal experience, a great many women are perfectly capable of refusing access to there apartment to a guy who has bought them drinks all night, driven them home, etc. But perhaps that simply says more about me! 
If there was one, I’m completely unaware of it.
Now, can you again explain to me why I’m an idiot? Because I’m apparently too much of an idiot to understand what “it’s in the eye of the beholder” has to do with “a behaviour that is normal for an attractive guy suddenly becomes creepy for an ugly man” and how the latter is justified.
Heh. No, it’s just that when I read your OP my very first thought was “She needs to read the Gift of Fear.” Your whole post just shouted it. I suppose a couple of other posters had the same reaction. It’s available in a cheap pocket paperback edition, so it doesn’t cost much.
Too funny! Yeah, she could tell the grouchy old men just looking at her monitor.
You’re not skeevy enough, dude! Gotta work on that. 
I think it was called ‘Let’s Be Honest, Ladies’ or something (can someone help me out?) but it went over this exact assumption several times over several pages. I’m not sure any great strides were made in male/female relations, just that the creepiness has more to do with not being able to read signals that someone is uncomfortable/not interested. Not sure where I called you idiotic all those times.
Looking back, I think the OP’s sense of violation actually had a lot to do with getting her bag stolen. Maybe that sounds weird, especially since nothing important was taken, but I can see how it could add to the feeling. Like getting broken into, mugged, whatever. it’s natural to look back and see what you could have done differently. i think the feelings got mishmashed together along with, as I previously stated, her awareness of what could have happened– and what people’s reactions would have been (i.e. ‘What were you doing letting him upstairs in the first place?’).
Interesting, I’ve driven lots of people home I didn’t know (if you’re a designated driver, you may find yourself driving a few extra people home because their designated driver got drunk :rolleyes: ). Never once did I think any of the girls were “interested” on the basis that I was acting like a chauffeur for one evening.
And she didn’t “let him in her bedroom”. To re-clarify from what she said: her place is very small. The only place to sit is her bed and a few steps to the bathroom. Sounds like my ex’s place. You walk through the front door and that IS the bedroom/livingroom. Suggestion: if a guy tries to invite himself in late at night, even to pee, tell him your roommate is a light sleeper, has an early day, and if he comes up the dog will go ballistic and wake her up. (That establishes that you don’t live alone and have a protective, fanged beast of unspecified size.)
Nice Guy Tips:
- Nice guys driving people home will drop you and your friend off first and their own friends last, even if it’s a bit out of the way. This is in part a courtesy, also because it allows them to talk about you as soon as you’re gone, debate about whether or not you were hot, and ask each other: “She was totally into me, am I right?” “Yeah right, she was into you just like I’m into your momma!” (Sorry, but late at night with the buddies, we’re gonna be doofuses).
2)If a nice guy drops you off, he will stay in the car and wait until they see you’ve safely gone inside and shut the door before they drive off. Or if there is some distance from the parking area to your front door, they may offer to walk you to your porch to make sure you got in okay. You do not need to accept the offer, a nice guy will think that’s okay, but he may wait until you are out of sight before driving off (again, just keeping an eye out for your safety).
- Most nice guys are smart/courteous enough to know not to invite themselves in. If he has to pee, he’ll stop buy a 24-hour donut shop after he drops you off. If he desperately has to pee, he’ll go in your neighbor’s bushes, but only once he’s sure that you’ve gone inside and aren’t watching. If you, unprompted, invite him in he’ll think “Yesssss, she likes me!” , but he will leave when you say “I have an early morning tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by.”
The OP did not have a nice guy with her. Still not necessarily a “stalker”, but definitely a dick.
A douchebag will think ANY attention is “interest”. He’d probably have thought the OP was interested if the only thing she said was: “Excuse me, you are standing on my shoelace.”
Indeed. I found it.
You said that it was stupid (not idiotic, indeed) to think that :
IF attractive guy making move A in circumstance X isn’t a stalker
THEN ugly guy making exactly identical move A in exactly identical circumstance X, isn’t a stalker, either.
Now, if you’re telling that being clueless can result in being perceived as creepy, I’m not going to disagree. But it doesn’t have anything to do with a statement that was about being ugly, not about being clueless.
They are all things women do when they are interested in you - “can you give me a lift home.” “Why don’t you drop them off first” “Care to come up?” “Can I get you something to drink?”
They can ALSO be completely innocent actions, but they all are “I’m interested” signals as well. And being able to judge the difference is something a lot of people just ain’t good at.
That’s not what the OP did, however.
Nevertheless, I still think that the interested man saying “do you want a lift home?” “Can I come up?” “Would you mind offering me a drink?” is rather usual, “nice guy tips” notwithstanding.
The point is now moot anyway, since the OP story has changed.
Okay, if a woman were to ask all those things, but the OP didn’t. Sorting out rides can be muddly and she accepted a ride that was offered to a group of people who accepted the same invitation. That’s not the same thing as asking for a ride home. She did not ask to drop anyone off first, she did not invite him up, she did not offer a beverage. It was all him.
If I offered a girl home and she thought about her option of waiting at the bus stop and walking a couple blocks home at 3am, I wouldn’t assume she likes me, but that she’d really rather not walk to and from the bus stop alone at night, and I probably seem like the lesser of two evils because her friends know me a little.
If I dropped everyone else off first without her input, she’s not showing interest, I’m being a dick and trying to prolong alone time with her. If I asked “Hey can I use your toilet, I have to pee” there’s nothing about her saying, “Um… well… okay” that screams interest. She didn’t invite me in, I requested to come in briefly, and she agreed only out of compassion for my allegedly bursting bladder. That’s not interest, she just trying to be decent. She didn’t offer him a beverage. He repeatedly requested one.
The guy is a dick, capital D-Dick, and he certainly was trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage. The OP wasn’t making overtures, Mandolin Dick was being a rat-bastard and drawing them out hoping to score. I’m not going to fault the OP, clearly she’s kicking herself for falling for his smooth operator schtick.
A guy knows the difference between a genuine invitation and weaseling your way in. A girl who is genuinely interested does not need to be prompted by false pretenses to ask you to come inside.
I did not invite him in and he did not leave in a reasonable time. Swallowed My Cellphone’s characterization of “Um… well… okay” is pretty spot on. (I really appreciate your comments, by the way.) I was looking forward to getting to sleep and was a little blindsided that he’d asked at all.
I didn’t realise he was going to drop me off last until the only other person in the car got out. My flat is a very small single room (8’ x 20’) plus a bathroom – there isn’t a bedroom proper, just a kitchen with a single bed beside it. I didn’t give him anything to drink, although he asked for tea several times.
I did not initiate anything. I was trying to get home and asleep as fast as possible, and a ride, which he initially offered to other people and only included me when I said I was walking over to the bus stop, was quicker than a 45-minute wait for a bus with a seven-block walk at the end. I let him up to my flat because I was too surprised to say no and he’d just gone out of his way to do me a favor, so (I thought then) it was courteous to reciprocate.
My flat is a bit tricky in that holding the door open requires standing in the doorway, so I couldn’t do that, but he pretty much came out and made a beeline to sit down on the bed.
Cat Fight, you probably have a really good point about the bag theft being tied up with my very strong feelings of invasion. I don’t feel very upset about the theft at all – as Dinsdale points out, you sort of expect that from Camden pubs at 2 am and don’t carry anything you’d miss much – but maybe I’m able to brush that off because I’m channeling all my anxiety into fretting about Mr Mandolin.
I just don’t think that someone who called me stupid and spent ten minutes insulting my playing technique was innocently trying to court me and just got his signals confused.
Many folks have mentioned de Becker’s book… it’s a winner. One thing that I thought reading your post is that “nice guys” don’t cross boundaries like Mandolin Lothario does. Most stand-up guys know that the situation is a little unnerving and would have caught the cues… hell, if you gotta piss, you gotta piss. But if you know you’re making someone else uncomfortable, you finish up, apologize, and head out.
The issue here is twofold: sure, the OP could have been clearer and more definitive about telling this guy to get on his bike, but the other part is that he sure wasn’t picking up on the not-so-subtle cues, either. And feeling squicked out is something you should pay attention to.
On the other hand, he could just be incredibly socially awkward, trying to get his leg over, something along those lines (hence his thought that insulting you would draw you into his arms, or adulation, or whatever. At any rate, I’d get a read on him from your friend, try to avoid him, but if you do encounter him, be near friends, and make it clear that you’re not interested in progressing further in the relationship.
can you guys just type caste me as the grouchy old ugly creepy man that can’t get any and be done with it?
Type casting appears to all the rage (and profit) these days in hollywood and I’d like to be ahead of the curve for a change.
I could also play the Nice guy in a pinch if you are short 
And get off my lawn!
Song title!
I said it was stupid, not CatFight.
And it is stupid. Ugly guy and attractive guy can’t be in"exactly identical circumstance X" because women don’t react to guys they aren’t attracted to in the same way that they do to guys they are attracted to, so it’s not exactly identical circumstances. Attractive guy comes on too strong to girl who is interested in him and she just defines the boundaries for him - “I like you, but that’s too much.” Ugly guy comes on too strong to girl who isn’t interested in him and she just repeats what she’s already been implying and suggesting all night - “No.” Attractive guy isn’t creepy because he responds to a “Maybe” with “Go on… you know you wanna” (well… isn’t creepy yet - he’ll be creepy if he persists). Ugly guy is creepy because he responds to a “No” with “Go on, you know you wanna”.
Ugly and attractive are, of course, your words. In my experience, good looking guys aren’t always attractive, and ugly guys aren’t always unattractive. In this conversation I’ve treated “attractive” and “ugly” as if they meant “guy she’s interested in” and “guy she’s not interested in”.
Don’t watch a lot of vampire fiction, do ya?
You didn’t care for the guy, but I imagine you felt some obligation/gratitude for the ride - and like many folk think it common courtesy to allow someone they don’t particularly dislike to use their john. But don’t downplay your responsibility. He asked if he could come up. At that point you has 2 options, you could say yes or no. Sure, you could have phrased either of those options countless ways, but the bottomline is you chose to acquiesce. Be honest with yourself - why was that? Were you worried he’d call you names or do something even more unpleasant than call you stupid and criticize your playing as he had already done? Were you so naive that it didn’t cross your mind that he would continue his jerkish behavior upstairs?
The way I see it, you made a mistake by allowing someone you didn’t particularly like to come up to your place. But even after that mistake, nothing all that bad happened. So in the long run, you got lucky, and maybe even benfitted if you learned a couple of lessons that my protect you from more serious situations in the future. First, it is alright to say no when someone asks to come in, and second, it is alright to ask anyone to leave at any time for any (or no) reason. Of course you are not able to control how they think of you and act towards you whatever course of action you take. But if you wish to interact within a society, at times you need to risk the possibility of some current unpleasantness if you desire to avoid the possibility of even greater future unpleasantness.
IOW, it is ok for you to make people mad, to disappoint them, and for people not to like you. Really, it’s ok.
As I said in post 80, I am afraid that if I say “no” to someone who is acting aggressively, they will get angry and hurt me.
The process that went into making the decision went something like this:
IF I SAY NO > I owe him a favor and am unreasonably refusing to return it > man who is already being inappropriately aggressive becomes even more so > man hurts me.
IF I SAY YES > favor is returned and I owe him nothing > man will get out of my life hopefully quickly > I can go to bed and sleep.
“I can go to bed and sleep” won over “man hurts me”.
Is “The Gift of Fear” going to help me make more reasonable decisions?