I moved to Mars. You're invited. Should I be worried?

I donned my mad genius scientist hat again today. I decided “screw the government & private industry, I’m going to Mars.”

I built myself a clever little spaceship, packed with supplies & Konstrukt-O-Bots. Got to Mars, built a huge dome under which I’ve got gardens, trees, fish ponds, rivers etc going great. I’m self sufficient. Feeling ambitious, I set about terraforming the planet, building greenhouse gas producing factories, etc.

One day I’m sitting in my lawnchair gazing at the Martian sunset, feeling a bit nostalgic & lonely & decide to send Earth an invitation to visit.

Should I be worried? Lets assume that besides my however ridiculous-it-is fantasy, everything else is exactly as it is today. Would people come? I’m thinking of course they would.

Who? Would they be pissed off? (That fucker’s terraforming the planet without our permission!) Packing weapons? Would they want to take it all from me? Or come peacefully in appreciation that I’ve already done the hard part for them? Would I be in trouble with the “law?” Whose law?

BTW, there were indeed some ancient little microbes still living here in a few spots. They didn’t manage to give me more than the flu for a few days & now it appears they’re all dying out. So solly!

It depends; did you buy your plot of land on Mars (for only $9.99!!)?

If you did, then everything will be fine and dandy; those certificates are the real thing.

Heck no I didn’t buy my plot. From whom would I have bought it? Who has the right to sell land on Mars?

Even as we speak, Tars Tarkas and I are marshalling forces to crush your dome, and the armies hidden within. Podkayne is approaching at flank speed with her fleet of battle cruisers.
Those few of you invaders that survive will be given the worst punishment imaginable: You’ll be sent back to Earth!


I’ll come and visit you on Mars - provided you can help with the following:

  • are pancakes still as good as on earth?
  • big comfy bed essential I’m not sleeping in any nasty makeshift bunk!
  • must still be able to watch Buffy.
  • do I need to come back to Earth to see “Return of the King” or will it be screening on Mars?

I can provide boobies but someone else will have to bring the chocolate.

I am a jed serving in the navy of Helium. With John Carter of Mars, the mighty Heliumetic navy moves to assist their allies, Tars Tarkas and the green hordes of Thark. Flee now! The two finest fighting forces of Mars are coming for you.

Your invasion of this planet will not last long.

Okay, another opinion from the Earth contingent.

There are some remarkably fragile egos out there in the world of cosmology, geology, and lots of other -ologies whou would be royally hacked off at you for

(a) getting there first,
(b) claiming any part of the planet, let alone all of it,
© changing the ecology, and
(d) killing off the martian microbes.

So, yes, they’d come. Bear in mind that it’d probably take a couple years, and we’d probably be into the next president’s term, if not the one after him. Kinda hard to say “everything’s the same;” would Reagan have reacted the same way as Clinton?

They wouldn’t recognize your claim to any of it, unless you had the ability to defend it (you wouldn’t be creating WMD, would you? probably a lucky thing you’re not a signatory of that treaty that Saddam signed…).

In short, you’re screwed. Thanks for playing. Have fun playing in your dome.

I’m thinking people who would come would be a mix for sure- my brother who hates people and wants to be left alone, people like Donald Trump who want to make some bux somehow, people who climb mountains or go to the poles for fun. I would come, but not stay. Thanks for the invite!

My Agro-Bots can probably get you the ingredients, but you’re gonna have to make the pancakes. Not much into 'em myself, & haven’t programmed any Chef-Bots.

Comfy bed? We can probably get you that. I haven’t introduced geese into my little eco-sphere yet tho, so if you want a down comforter, you better bring it with. Can you handle chicken down? I can do that & they’re free range!

Buffy? Well just between you & me, on my way off Earth I stopped by a Dish Network satellite & planted a re-transmitter on it. I even get Pay Per View & the premium channels. Don’t always get good line of sight tho, so YMMV.

What’s “Return of the King?”

Getting here first is no crime, is it? I’m only laying claim to my little area, is that a crime?

As for changing the ecology, well excuse me. You know what a pain in the arse it is fixing all these micrometeor holes in the dome? I need a decent atmosphere to burn those little fuckers up before they get here.

I knew some scientists would get all pissy about killing off the martian microbes, so I saved a few cultures of them. Gotta tell you though, after studying them a bit, they ain’t all that unique & interesting after all. Hint, hint :wink: Reintroducing them to their natural environment’s gonna be kinda hard now tho.

Anyway, you’re right. It’s gonna take a few years for you slow pokes to get here. And no, I’m not sharing my technology with you. My mad genius intellect is so vastly superior to yours I have my own little “Prime Directive” attitude towards you guys. So you can come, but it’s up to you to get here.

And on that note. How large of a crew could you send? Not soldiers certainly. I am worried that among the crew of astronaut scientists that get sent, one of them will be cross trained as an assassin or something. Have I pissed people off badly enough to worry about that? I really, really don’t want to have to reprogram some of my Konstrukt-O-Bots as Defend-O-Bots. I want Mars to be a peaceful new beginning for humanity. But if I have to defend it, I will.

And Ethilrist, no I’m not planning any WMD. But, your puny little earth spaceships are so… fragile.

Gee, I dunno. Why don’t you ask a Native American?

As far as I know, you could do some research into the laws of colonization and homesteading, and try to get them to apply.

Of course, you couldn’t claim the whole planet.
I would put myself in your service, Oh mighty overlord, if you would set me up with my own dome and such… I would be most grateful, and would help you defend yourself from the evil Earth aggresors.

I think a couple of your wonder thrusters on a few larger rocks put in the right trajectories would work just fine…