Well, I do appreciate all the feedback but I feel there were some things I feel I need to clear up.
First, let me start by saying that I am not sure how so many references to prostitution seem to come up but let me assure you, so not the case. I do understand that it was just a comparison and not directed at me but just had to throw that out there.
@ Brainstall, I sense some negativity in your comment. As for not wanting your opinion…that’s very untrue.The topic was asking from a man’s point of view on the subject, but any one’s opinion is appreciated.
And FYI, I spent many years in a very let’s just say unhealthy relationship. I have spent my entire adult life in committed relationships and at the present, want exactly opposite of that. I’m a grown ass woman, if I decide to have a sex with no commitment, I will and won’t think twice about it.
It’s been great to be able to ask a question of a personal nature and be able to speak freely about it. If I can only figure out how to reply to individual post’s without duplicating and posting to the wrong reply, I would be A-OK
I think for many people kissing is associated with loving someone. Kissing is great in sex (maybe even necessary), but as a man who has been in NSA relationships I suspect he thinks kissing you might turn sex into love.
I’d start by dropping some hints about what you’d like, phrase it in terms of your desires and keep it light. No pressure. Just something like “I’d enjoy some kissing and making out before and during sex. Doesn’t mean I love you, it’s just hot!”
Yeah, and for such people, expecting them to kiss as part of a casual sex encounter would be like expecting them to say “I love you” in a casual sex encounter.
Of course, for many people, sex itself is associated with loving someone. Different things mean different things to different people.
And in case it needs to be said, there’s no single, uniform “man’s point of view” (not that you were implying there was).
I’m a guy, although I have never been in a NSA relationship, but I don’t really see the problem. If you only want sex, and he is a lousy lover, then I don’t see the advantage of the relationship. Tell him what you want - if he doesn’t do it, dump him and find someone else who will.
Click on the multi-quote box in the lower right corner and then click Reply at the bottom of the thread. It will make a copy of every post you click and include it in your reply.
Welcome to the SDMB, where you can ask almost literally any question, and get a rather unique mix of answers.
To me, that’s a weird way of looking at things. I never did the FWB thing back when I was single, but I did have short-term relationships that I knew weren’t going to be any more than that. But kissing was always part of the warm-up, even though both parties knew it wasn’t in any way tantamount to saying “I love you.”
And while I can’t speak for all guys, I certainly need the warm-up. I suppose when I was 17 and had never seen a woman naked before, I’d have instantly been rock-hard as soon as we took off our clothes, but in the years since, a little passionate smooching has usually been necessary to get me to that point, not to mention being desirable in its own right.
Screw hints and qualifiers. OP, before your next time with this guy, just tell him that you consider kissing and foreplay to be an essential part of a physical relationship. And if he still just jumps straight to intercourse, don’t bother with a third time.
When I was in this type of relationship I just followed her lead and if she wanted to make out for a while, so be it. Well not totally. Sometimes I was a bit… forceful… going straight to the finally but only with consent.
I’m going to disagree here. No one is condemning the NSA arrangement or her right to have sex with whomever she wants, so there’s no “slut shaming” involved.
The problem as I read it is that the man involved is taking “NSA sex” to mean nothing but “penetrate, ejaculate and done” (or if you like, “won’t eat, shoots and leaves”). One can have NSA sex and still make an effort to ensure that the needs of your partner are being met; indeed, one SHOULD do that. So characterizing this as something akin to a liaison with a prostitute has less to do with the actual sex and more to do with the apparent lack of interest in whether the woman involved also enjoys the encounter.
TL; DR version: he’s a shitty lay. Go find someone who actually cares if you’re enjoying yourself too. Those men exist.
And next time (as Mr Savage says), USE YOUR WORDS. Talk about what you want and don’t want *before *the dick goes in. Those aren’t strings; they’re sensible discussions between mature adults.
That post also implies that unless a woman uses her sexuality as bait for what she wants, then it’s no surprise that any man she allows to have sex with her is naturally just going to shove his penis into her, climax, and then leave, because that’s what men like. That’s also false.
From my perspective, NSA sex means that what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. There should be no expectations on behavior outside the bedroom.
Inside the bedroom, it should be like any other consensual relationship - generally aimed at making it a pleasurable experience for both.
I don’t think anyone implied the OP was acting as a prostitute but were speculating that the man might have his behavior explained if he is looking at it that way.
So… no kissing, no foreplay, he doesn’t do other oral things and he is a quick cummer? So what’s good about him? If you are looking for good sex, then do it. Playing with this guy is a huge waste of time.
My first post was not meant to comment on the OP and I apologize to her as my intention was not to slam her or pass judgement. I wanted to point out the douchey (to me) behaviour of the man - quick to get going, quick to finish, and seemingly, little interest in what she wanted.
I have overheard some pretty awful, misogynist things from men about women they have been sexually active with. The Dope seems to have a good quantity of men who value women, but there are a lot of men who don’t. It is an ugly reality, and I truly hope this is not the case here, but to pretend that it doesn’t exist doesn’t help women. Call it out, call it what it is.
If this relationship was working, there would be no request for a man’s point of view about it, but there seems to be a feeling from the OP that it’s not quite what she expected, that the benefits in this friends with benefits relationship seem to only flow one way and that there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of desire on the man’s part to remedy that. NSA doesn’t mean sex can’t be intimate, affectionate, caring and mutually pleasurable.
Objectively it sounds like you are getting penetrated with little sensuous foreplay and not much reciprocation in pleasure giving, and he ejaculates quickly. It’s nice that you are attracted to him but he sounds like a god awful lover and you are essentially being treated like a sperm dumpster.
I’m not clear what you are getting out of this NSA scenario. It doesn’t sound like something you would want to attach a string to in any case.
Do you not understand the difference between saying “He treated her like a prostitute” and “She was acting like a prostitute”? The former is about his behavior regardless of hers, and while the latter does reflect on her nobody here is asserting it.
