I need advice about myself and a possible relationship. (Warning: long, boring)

In My Humble Opinion
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Note: I apologize if this post is generally incoherent. I’m operating on about four hours of sleep since 3am yesterday.

I’ve been having a lot of sex lately. It’s mostly been one- or two-night stands and this really isn’t satisfactory. I mean, I’m not opposed on moral grounds to sex without commitment, but I seem to want commitment. I find myself getting unhealthily attached to whichever girl I’m talking to/sleeping with at the moment, which is ridiculous because a) I have hardly known any of them and b) she’s usually not the sort of girl one wants to start a relationship with (that is, two of said girls have boyfriends, one was addicted to meth and the other simply cannot keep her pants on). Thankfully, this “attachment” isn’t genuine (it only lasts for a few weeks), but what bothers me is that I don’t understand why I’m so desperate, and I don’t understand what I’m so desperate for. I don’t know if I just want to maintain a constantly available source of sex or if I’m one of those effeminate guys who needs a girlfriend to feel complete. It’s not like I’ve been long without a girlfriend either; my last substantial relationship ended in September.

In my personal opinion, I think that what has been going on lately stems, at least in part, from a couple of difficulties I’ve had in the past. For one thing, I was raised in a sexually-repressive fundamentalist Christian home. I was raised to believe that sex before marriage was one of the absolute worst sins that one could commit. This prevented me from ever talking about sex or relationships with my parents, and I never really had a relationship with a female until I moved out of the house at 17. I suppose in a way, that I’m still “acting out” against my upbringing into my 20s.

Another issue is the fact that I have always had a negative self-image. I don’t believe I’m attractive, mostly because I’m a pretty small, scrawny-looking guy (I’m 5’10", 150 lbs for those curious). I joined the Army to gain some self-confidence and beef myself up, which didn’t really prove effective. I am able to present myself as a confident person when out in the real world, but it’s really just a thin facade. I think that this is relevant because all the girls that I’ve been hanging around with recently have been girls that I would normally consider out of my league in terms of physical appearance. It’s very possible that the reason I start pining after these women is because all my “serious” relationships in the past have been with girls that, frankly, have been physically less attractive than myself.

Which brings me to the reason that I am starting this thread. I have been talking to a girl for a couple of weeks and she is an absolutely wonderful person to talk to. She is intelligent, funny, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. She also spent the night at my house last night. Thankfully, alcohol was not introduced to the equation and we did not have sex. The lack of sex was, I’m sorry to admit, completely due to her self-control. We messed around for almost the entire night, and she did sleep in the same bed as myself, but she refused to actually have sex because she “didn’t want to rush into anything.” She also said that she hated having to restrain herself, but that she’d been hurt in the past.

At the same time, this also indicates (and please correct me if I’m wrong) that she might actually be interested in a serious relationship with me. The problem is that if this is the case, I’m worried that I’m going to screw this up. I’m worried that my behavior these past few months has affected my ability to care about someone. I’m worried that I’m going to force her into a position that she’ll cave into having sex before she wants to because I lack self-control. I’m also worried that I cannot trust myself and the way I think I’m feeling.

I feel like I’m really into this girl on a level deeper than carnal attraction. I feel like this could be a truly worthwhile relationship. I also think that it is WAY to soon to start having these kind of feelings, which makes me feel like I really am just desperate. If this is the case, I really don’t want to subject this particular girl to any hurt just because I’m having difficulty sorting out what I want. But at the same time, this girl gives me the stereotypical “butterflies in the stomach” feeling, which in my past experiences has brought my own insecurities to the surface, which I know is not attractive.

This doesn’t feel like an appropriate place to conclude this thread, but I’ve typed my situation as best as I feel I can. I guess what I hope to accomplish here is just to get some input on what might be going on in my head from Dopers far wiser than I. I do have a few particular questions, however:

  1. Does it seem that I really am experiencing some kind of abnormal desperation, or might it be just the basic human desire for companionship?

  2. What does it generally mean when one party doesn’t want to “rush into anything” in this kind of situation? Is it more likely that I’m just getting played for fun or that my above intrepretation is correct? What do I look for to make this determination for myself?

  3. If there truly is the possibility of a relationship in the works, should I sit the girl that I’m interested in down and work out some limits as to how intimate we’ll get and when?

  4. Has anyone been in a similar place (ie, the promiscuity that I described in the first paragraph) to mine? If so, what did you learn from it?

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Just to make sure I understand. You’ve been having hot monkey sex with a variety of girls since you were 17 and now you might have found “the one”? Buddy, you don’t have a “situation.” You have every single straight teenage boy’s all-expenses-paid, fantasy vacation package to Babylon.

OK, I’ll take a stab at it:

Well, that depends. How old are you? If you’re in your late 20’s or early 30’s, I wouldn’t call it abnormal. You’ve sown your wild oats, and now you’re ready to move on. You’ve found someone who might be your perfect soulmate, and you’re a little confused. Sounds normal to me.

Generally, it means that party is being intelligent and mature about the situation. I’ve rushed into things before, and looking back on it, I felt like a drunk 14-year-old who steals the keys to his dad’s Ferrari and goes out for a 110 mph cruise. It’s a great ride and a great rush while it lasts, but it can only end in tears.

If she’s fooling around with you, and isn’t actively screwing with your head or bumming money off you, I’d say that this is the real deal. She’s waiting to see if your feelings are genuine, or if you’re just trying to get into her pants. It doesn’t take too many bad relationships before this step becomes routine. So far so good.

It might not be a bad idea, although you shouldn’t try to come off like Joe Accountant about the whole thing. Looking back on my life, I sure wish I laid down the ground rules early in the game. It would have saved a lot of trouble.

Not the promiscuity, no. I’ve always been serially monogamous, and now I’m happily married. I don’t think you should be down on yourself about the promiscuity, unless you lied or manipulated the women. If they knew what you were about from the get-go, what’s to be ashamed of?

I have been where you are as far as the butterflies. A long time back, I had a relationship with a girl I thought was “the one.” See the part where I compare the relationship to the drunk 14 year old behind the wheel of a Ferrari. That relationship taught me to take it slow, lay down the rules and deal-breakers early, take it slow, be open and honest, and take it slow. So I guess I’ve been where your girlfriend is at.

Remember, man: Take your time, relax, be honest, have fun, and just let it flow. Mr. Krebbs, I wish you well. It sure sounds like you’ve got something here, and not just the usual mindfuck. Have fun, and let us know how it goes.