So my husband has this cousin who’s some kind of born-again Christian (I don’t know which flavour). She gave us a Bible for a wedding gift, which I didn’t think much of, I mean there are lots of people who think that’s an appropriate gift. To me the Bible is a literary reference, but we won’t get into that. The inscription made me gag, but I shrugged it off.
Then the other day we get a big package in the mail. It must have cost $5 in postage, it was so big. Inside is a nice letter, and two books. One says that smart people believe in God, the other says that stupid people believe in evolution. Both are full of logical fallacies that I haven’t seen since my days as a rhetoric student, when we were beaten about the heads with examples of bad logic.
So my question is: How do I tactfully let these people know that they’re wasting their time, effort, and money?
For the record we do believe in God, but organised religion gets annoying, so we don’t practice.
Here’s something I remember from my Catholic School indoctrination:
God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can,
and the Wisdom
to know the difference
As I see it, there are two possible ways to go with this…
Use the “wisdom to know the difference” to argue that this person should not waste their time on you.
Fake a long scientific report stating that “If God could change prehistoric apes into modern men, I believe he would have the courage to do it.” Sure it twists it a bit, but I’m sure those books you have do as well.
Are there bumper stickers where the Darwin fish swallows the Jesus fish? Is that just something in my mind? If so, I claim all intellectual property rights.
Why show tact? IMHO, they’re not. They’re basically saying “you’re stupid if you don’t think like me.” That’s not tactful at all.
I suggest putting the books away or throwing them away, whicever you prefer. Don’t mention them to these folks at all. If they ask, you could say something like “we’re comfortable with what we believe, thanks.”
If they continue to press, just go Stepford on them. Plaster that fakey smile on, and repeat “We’re comfortable with what we believe…we’re comfortable with what we believe…I really must get that recipe…” Works for me every time.
Well if your goal is really and truly that you don’t want them wasting their money, you have to tell them that you simply aren’t interested and then start returning all packages they send you, unopened. Eventually they’ll stop wasting their time and money.
But if your goal is to simply not offend them, you have to do what you do with any and all other gifts you don’t like/have no use for/are too tacky for words, etc. Thank them graciously and then toss it in the trash without giving it a second thought. If they come to the house and ask where it is, tell them you loaned it to a friend you thought would find it interesting.
I am not a religious person but if I recieved that kind of stuff I probably would be pissed. I have family who are very Christian and I am totally not.
Once I got over the pissy feeling I probably would donate them to a local charity (Salvation Army comes to mind) for people that actually might enjoy things of this nature but don’t have the money to buy them.
You haven’t harmed anyone by this and rather than tossing them in the trash you wont feel guilty…at least that would be my reaction.
You could try sending them a tastefully wrapped package with an assortment of texts from other denominations and non-Christian religions (e.g. The Book of Mormon, the Koran, a New Age religion text, perhaps something by Aleister Crowley) for the next gift-giving occasion, commenting that you’ve noticed they are fond of spiritual literature and you thought they’d enjoy them. Ditto with scientific/evolutionary texts (err…try remedial level, though) and change the remark to “scientific literature”. Also, wear something that looks like it might be a non-Christian religious symbol* prominently when you socialize with them. And scatter evolution texts and fossils around your house when they visit.
~looks to side~ What? How’s that not tactful?
*I originally was going to suggest an actual religious symbol, but I think that’s disrepectful, unless you follow that religion (in an organized or non-organized fashion).
My first inclination was to go the way Kat suggested. In fact, I do believe I have a copy of the Satanic Bible around here, left over from a sociology course, along with some Wiccan literature (although I actually enjoy that).
That’s why I thought I’d ask for advice; I really don’t want to piss these people off. They live about a kilometre from my parents, and might try to stage an intervention or something.
But why not simply write these people and explain that you do, in fact, believe in god, but you prefer to explore your theological beliefs yourself?
Tell them that you will do your very best to see to it that these books will be given to someone who appreciates them better than you, and that you totally appreciate their intentions, but you KNOW as tolerant people that they will understand your position.
(And by the way, I do agree with the suggestion that you donate the books. Waste not, want not, and someone else might actually be able to make some use of them.)
And if this isn’t one heck of a tactful answer, you all can, as Satan likes to say, “Lick my…”
If you are interested in etiquette, then you have only one obligation to the donor of the gift – you must thank them. Therefore, to be correct, you must send a pleasant if generic thank you note (Thanks so much for your kind gesture, etc. etc.). Presumably your cousins will eventually ask you what you thought of the books, when this happens there are two faultlessly polite ways to deal with them:
Debate the points of the books with them. Politely, of course. Make notes of the errors in the margins (make sure you have plenty of pencils!) as you read the books, download some counter-arguments to show them and so on. You know better than I do whether this course is worth bothering with. Are they at all openminded? Or will you just be starting an endless string of familial arguements?
or -
Whether you actually read the books or not; deny it. When they ask, just say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I haven’t gotten around to reading those yet.” Repeat with slight variations (“Gosh, my to-be-read stack is really getting out of hand, I’m afraid I still haven’t gotten to them.”) as often as the subject comes up. Follow the same procedure with all future books. Hopefully, they will eventually tire of throwing money down a well.
I would have had a copy of “The Origin of Species” and a tape of “Inherit the Wind” on the FedEx truck the next day.
That’s just me I guess.
I have very little tolerance of ignorance. I’ve never been too concerned about being tactful to people who don’t understand the meaning of the word either.
I really like the idea of sending them an alternative relegious book. In the note explain that you really found the books they sent you as interesting and you though they might find this interesting as well. If they confront you on the issue just act dumb and say "I though you would appreciate the books since you are intrested in spiritual literature. If they are smart they will take the mild hint.
I can’t quite agree w/ Handy on this one. It’s rude to return gifts to the sender, or to the store for money. But especially given the nature of these “gifts”, Canadian Sue’s solution was nothing short of brilliant. Dang, why has Canada not drafted that woman for diplomatic service??
FWIW, my sister has this same problem. Her husband has some pretty rabid fundies in the family. Example: when he had a stroke they rushed over–to (quote) “try to save him before he died”. He’s a genuine Christian and chose to overlook their actions, other than being amused.
They use Cristi’s Stepford tactic: repeat a polite, stock disclaimer and then change the subject.
And I’ve always found a look of boneheaded stupidity to be quite useful; there’s nothing quite as daunting as amiable obtuseness sometimes.
FWIW, I refuse to argue with people who don’t have a hope in hell of understanding what logic is. It’s ultimately self-defeating; I get annoyed and they just sit there smiling and say, “Where does it say that in the Bible?”
I’m afraid that explaining my beliefs to them would just ignite said argument.
As for sending the books back, or sending other books, I’m concerned about them wasting their money. Why should I waste mine?
Sigh I really didn’t want to offend my husband’s relatives only six months into our marriage. Maybe if I ignore them they’ll go away. At least they won’t visit. I hope.
Hey, to hijack my own thread, what do you say when the Jehovah’s Witnesses come to your door? I see them coming, put on a jacket, and tell them I don’t have time 'cause I’m on my way to donate a kidney. Or I grab a butcher knife and say, “Great! Satan told me a sacrifice would show up!”
I have a documentary on Mojo Gortner, an evangelical minister (and later, an actor), who invited a film crew to document the scam he was perpatrating on an unsuspecting flock.
One member of the crew asked him what he should say to members of the flock if they asked him about his beliefs. Mojo told him he should place his hand on their shoulder and say ‘Brother, I’m washed in the same blood as you!’ and that would shut them up.
