I’m married with three kids: a little girl born last year, and twin boys born this past autumn. Though raised in an Pentecostal faith, I’m an atheist (though I’d worship Athena given the slightest hoot of her owl). Before we had kids, my wife left me for a while–partly because I was being a jerk but mostly because she was on what she then called a faith journey. This journey had led her from being a very liberal Christian to a borderline fundamentalist Pentecostal, and, ironically, ended with her being even more cynical about Christianity than I am, and mistrustful of virtually all preachers. So we’re not Christians, and when it was clear our family was moving from duo to trio (and eventually quintet), we agreed that we’d not be raising our kids to be Christians either–that we’d try to raise them with an ethical foundation, but that we’d never treat the stories of Jesus as being any less fictional than those about Herakles Soter and Frodo Baggins.
That’s just us, though. I come from a large family, and with the exception of my older brother, they’re all more Xtian than Jerry Falwell. It concerns my father and… annoys my older sisters that we don’t take the babies to church and condition any baby-sitting agreements with the understanding that the temporary caretaker not do so either. Consequently, this Christmas we got inundated with religious-themed presents for our babies. Bibles and bible story books (which they can’t read of course), and various Bible-themed toys, clothes, linens, and so forth. The real point of this, it seems to me, is to pressure my wife and me to come back to the Church of God in Christ, lest our apostasy result in their imaginary but nonetheless psychopathic God damning the kids to an eternity of flame and being eaten by worms and being forced to watch THE WALKING DEAD.
Okay. That was me venting. Now for the thread question. What should we do with all this crap? Ridiculous/absurd/silly answers only, please.
Make some very elaborate gift baskets with them, with colored cellophane and ribbons and everything. Then at every gift-giving occasion for as long as they last, regift them back to the family members.
Skald, I’ve been a casual reader of this board for a few years, though never joined till now. I read the earlier threads about your relationship/marriage, and I’m very happy things have turned out well.
I’m a Christian from a largely atheist family, so I don’t really have any useful suggestions to contribute. Alice the Goon’s suggestion is pretty amusing though.
Let’s see… first you take all the clothing items and linens and tie dye them in hippy colors/patterns. String them up like a flag banner and hang them over your front door to advertise the interesting display inside. Then you take the book items and carefully pull ALL the pages out. Take a pair of scissors and cut snowflakes and paper dolls from the pages. Decorate the room with these paper cutouts. Use the leftover book bindings to build the largest “box” you can. Paint the inside of the box in a Star Wars setting of your choice (Death Star… Ewok Forest… what have you).
NOW - take all those Christian toys and arrange them in the box to make a diorama - don’t forget to give them little light sabers. Invite your family over to see the display.
Okay, that’s as silly as I got!
Draw little moustaches on all the people’s faces in the pictures, and dresses and with typex alter some critical words. Then pay it forward
Seriously though, if there is a good children’s book of bible stories: my papa read me those when I was little, along with the greek myths and The Hobbit. Gave me a clear idea of where those stories stand. Also, in comparison to those stories, the bible stories are so boring. People sometimes say the bible is a cool book with nice stories. It really isn’t. It’s quite boring. Still, good to know the stories. Education 'n all that jazz.
First, Alice the Goon STOLE my idea! Didn’t we call ‘no telepathy?’
Second, good to know things are working better for you, Skald. You are one of my favorite posters here (and I imagine many others’ as well).
Third, hmm. Since I can’t suggest regifting them to the family (grumble grumble), perhaps you could construct a mock shrine to their fetish. A corner of a room where all these items could be displayed with appropriate placards describing how really wrong the whole idea of dumping generational guilt and angst is upon imprintable infants.
You needn’t have a USEFUL suggestion to contribute to this thread. I was only looking for ridiculous and hopefully amusing ideas. The more impractical, the better.
I can’t quite agree that the Bible is all boring. It may seem to in comparison to, say, Colum’s Children of Odin, or Hamilton’s Mythology, but that’s because Colum & Hamilton were out to tell entertaining tables, not proselytize. (I still think of what Theseus said to Hercules after the latter was forced to kill his children when I am defining friendship.) But there’s some good stuff in the Bible. The story of David & Absalom is absolutely riveting.
Cover the stuff in scorch marks and return it to the givers with a note explaining that Odin/Thor/Ra/Diety of your choice was not at all pleased with their sacrifice.
If you have a dog, take a few pages with you when you walk it. When the dogs shits in someones yard you can use them to clean it up. When you get home you can “bless” the garbage can with them.
