I want to rid myself of my body. Here’s why…
- It’s too big and it doesn’t fit into normal-size clothes anymore.
- It’s hairy.
- It kinda smells funny.
- It snores.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can better accomplish my life’s goals by projecting my consciousness into one of those little plastic hamster balls. I need to become discorporeal, but I need to retain the following physical connections to this Earthbound plane:
- The ability to express myself. Otherwise, I won’t be able to give people direction and I’ll get fired from my cushy management job.
- Sight and hearing, so that I won’t roll into walls and so that I can still enjoy South Park, Van Halen concerts, etc.
- Self-locomotion, so I can go to work, attend family functions, go to the Yankee game, etc.
Can someone help me with this? Oh, two more things I almost forgot. If at all possible, I’d like my self-aware hamster ball to levitate ominously about 6 feet above the ground at all times. And I want my consciousness to be represented physically by a purple gas.
Thanks in advance.