I need astral projection lessons

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I want to rid myself of my body. Here’s why…

  • It’s too big and it doesn’t fit into normal-size clothes anymore.
  • It’s hairy.
  • It kinda smells funny.
  • It snores.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can better accomplish my life’s goals by projecting my consciousness into one of those little plastic hamster balls. I need to become discorporeal, but I need to retain the following physical connections to this Earthbound plane:

  • The ability to express myself. Otherwise, I won’t be able to give people direction and I’ll get fired from my cushy management job.
  • Sight and hearing, so that I won’t roll into walls and so that I can still enjoy South Park, Van Halen concerts, etc.
  • Self-locomotion, so I can go to work, attend family functions, go to the Yankee game, etc.

Can someone help me with this? Oh, two more things I almost forgot. If at all possible, I’d like my self-aware hamster ball to levitate ominously about 6 feet above the ground at all times. And I want my consciousness to be represented physically by a purple gas.

Thanks in advance.

2

**I want my consciousness to be represented physically by a purple gas. **

I think eating a lot of beans helps…

3

how would the hamster ball have sex?
no wait… I dont wanna know…

4

Ya know, THespos, if you like down in a dark, quiet place with a cold compress on your forehead, all of this will go away. :wally

5

I disagree violently!! Lieing down in the dark with a cold compress only makes me want to get laid! My desire to get shead of my body and exist only as a purple gas is only quelled by judiciously applied amounts of whiskey…:smiley:

6

umm… misspellings abound in this corner of the universe…

can be cured by previewing…

7

Hey, you don’t want to do THAT or you’ll never get a hug from me!

Okay, I’m having to suppress the gag reflex that kicks in when I make any attempt whatsoever to flirt in public…but hell, man, it’s true.