Print out Yellowval’s post (it’s #14) and tape it to your computer screen, then read it every day. Also, get a copy of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” and read it. Finally, find a book titled “Getting The Love You Want”.
About 10 years ago, I realized that I can never make my wife happy; that’s something she has to do for herself. But I am happiest in our marriage (we’ve been together for 33 years) when I make her the center of my life. To do that, I have to constantly think about what she wants at any given moment. It’s hard to do – but the two books above will help you enourmously in getting inside your wife’s mind. Some guys just instinctively know what their wives want; others, like me, have to work hard at it. But it can be done.
The other part of the equation is to convince her that you are worthy of her respect. Earn it. Don’t raise your voice, don’t act hurt, and for heaven’s sake, stay off of the sofa! If she wants to stomp out of the bedroom and plop down on the couch, fine, but you sleep in your own bed, regardless of how chilly it is. If she hurts your feelings, go away just long enough to get over it – don’t go off and nurse the hurt or sulk. If she asks you what’s wrong, tell her how you feel, not what she did wrong. (“I feel like my gift wasn’t appreciated. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate. I could use a little help knowing what to do here.”)
Never quit telling her you love her. She sounds like a passionate, well-educated woman who has high standards; yeah, she’s worth it.
I see much of my marriage in this email. I’m the same way, I may want to buy something expensive, but I can’t bring myself to do it. One time, I decided I had up to $1000 to buy myself something completely aesthetic. I looked at Limoges and such chotske. In the end, I bought nothing. My husband says I would rather loan out $600 in $50 increments to my friends than every spend $600 on myself.
I broke down and sold my soul to a car dealership to get a reliable car. I checked my budget for the month, appeared to be ok. Made sure I asked for help from no one. Got it done all by myself. A week and a half later, my husband got laid off. I had to pull extra shifts at work, it’s the 14th and my mortgage is not paid and shows no sign of being paid.
Part of my fear is because those are the kinds of things that happen to me. When I do something positive (get a reliable car) something negative happens. I have tons of examples of this throughout my life, which makes it very difficult to suck it up and spend the money, even when I have the money. I also have a mother that made sure that I didn’t feel like I deserved much. My brother got a 1967 mustang for his 16th birthday, a year and a half later, on my 16th birthday, I got a pair of shoes.
If I had to guess, I would think that your wife doesn’t feel like she deserves the expensive things and while luxuries are ok for you, they are wasted on her. You say you are financially stable, is she? Does she have what she needs to feel stable? Ask her. Do your spending habits reinforce her fears? I try to be frugal whenever I can, my husband drinks several $4 energy drinks a day. Now this feeling persists even though I know we have the home we have, the car we have, the marriage we have, the child we have, primarily because of my efforts.
This isn’t a money issue at all. What you see as doing something nice for her (expensive, new glasses) she may see as dressing up a pig.
I credit the success of our marriage to the fact that Hubby and I are always trying to please the other person. As he puts it, getting married doesn’t mean that you stop dating your wife. You have to constantly court your partner. He says his co-workers shake their heads when they overhear him call to ask me if I’d like to go out on a date to the movies tonight, but they’re always complaining about the lack of attention they get from their spouses.
However, this has to be a two-way street. If your partner is ungenerous or unwilling to return your efforts it can be very draining and no one deserves that. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t want to make you happy.
The way I see it, money issues in a marriage are rarely actually about the money. They’re about power, affirmation, and all kinds of other psychological things much of the time. You can’t be expected to figure out which one it might be, and really, neither can she - although she’s the one who will have to do the work on herself to get to the bottom of it, she’s going to need professional help to do so.
I really think another stab at marriage counseling, couched in whatever terms you must use to strongly convey that the Titanic is sinking and this is the last lifeboat, is the way to go. If you have to use the rationale that divorce is more expensive than counseling, use it.
But you do need to find the right counselor for you two. That’s not easy, as you found before. If there’s anyone you know at all that can make a recommendation, ask for it. Then ask a lot of questions at your first meeting - about their philosophy of counseling, of marriage, etc. Ask for a treatment plan at the conclusion of the meeting, and don’t make another appointment without one, nor until you and your SO have privately discussed what you got out of the meeting and how comfortable and confident you felt with the counselor.
Good luck. I hope you don’t stay stuck in unhappiness, whichever way you end up going.
Your wife sounds exactly like me. If not for the rest of the details, I would be convinced that you were talking about me.
Obsessions about money often have little to do with money itself but instead the IDEA of it; money as a symbol of greed or snobbishness or Americanism. I can only speak for myself, but I know that when I see people spending money in what I consider to be a frivolous way it makes me physically sick. And when people spend money on me for what I consider to be frivolous reasons it is even worse because they are still spending money but are doing it to upset me on purpose or they are so unaware of who I am that they spent the money without thinking or that they are doing the very worst thing of all, trying to make me “happy” (quotes imperative), which I can’t be, because I am so obsessed with the idea of greed and being a frivolous American that I can’t ever relax around the idea of money. So it seems like they are making fun of me in a way by exposing me to frivolity and expecting me to enjoy it. It’s not a fun mental roller coaster ride, I can tell you that much. Maybe your wife doesn’t want to look at those glasses every day and obsess over how much they cost, and feel ashamed, or even feel nauseous, as I do whenever I look at something I’ve wasted money on.
And as for the “high-quality” argument… she understands it, trust me. I am completely aware that my pathological cheapskatery is not the way most people behave and that it is based on totally unfeasable philosophies, but still, I can’t stop it. It is up to my partner or friends to work around it, and really, how much of a hassle is it to not be able to give your wife expensive gifts or have to look at her in old clothing? If her obsessions are anything like mine, she would have a much harder time of it than you do.
I think that this is something you’ll just have to put up with. I know that I have ruined my fair share of relationships because of my “quirks.” Just be aware that for someone with money obsessions a gift can be far more of a burden. I would just ask her straight out how she feels when you spend money on her or spend money on yourself and see what she says. Again I ask, why do you care? Is it because you don’t want her to be miserable (because we misers usually are) or because you don’t want to have a wife who wears old glasses and has shitty self-styled hair? If there’s any speck of truth to the latter part then I think it is up to you to get over that.
I’m probably not that good a person to get advice from since I haven’t gotten over my cheapskatery at all and am more sympathetic to your wife than I perhaps “should” be. I am just struck by the similarities between her and myself so maybe I can show you what it might be like for her to have to deal with what she considers to be “unreasonable” spending, i.e. most spending. Good luck to you, and to her.
Pardon me for being blunt, but it seems to me that the issue is that you percieve problems with your wife.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but trying to fix those percieved problems is, well, stupid. The glasses issue: you feel that they are outdated, worn-out, and unprofessional-looking. How does SHE feel about them? They’re HER glasses, and her face… shouldn’t it be her opinion that matters?
You state that she lives in a reality where no one else’s opinions matter, yet your post comes across in such a way that it seems like you yourself are similar. It really seems like you’re trying, long-term, to make her into what you consider a ‘better’ person.
I’m not a psycholowhatzit or anything, but my advice (for what it’s worth) would be to run a little experiment. Take a notebook with you and make a tick mark every time you criticize, even mentally, something about your wife. At the end of a day (week, whatever), count them up and see if you think it’s reasonable. Make it more detailed, if you like - tick marks for criticism of looks, of money matters, of attitude, of what-have-you… that way you can identify what’s bothering you the most.
This was what was suggested to me by an old friend and mentor, back when I was tearing my hair out about my relationship with my girlfriend (at the time). I followed his advice and discovered that, while I may have had valid points, I really was the problem, despite how I felt about it - and my GF at the time was too passive. Rather than telling me to shut up (figuratively or literally), she was avoiding the issues, much like it sounds like your wife is doing.
It sounds to me like your wife may have developed her coping skills in a critical environment, and tends to avoid the problem rather than facing it head on. As someone who’s dealt with that coping method from your side of the fence (and MAN do we sound like we might be alike in a lot of ways), I can sympathize with the frustration.
I can appreciate the problems with counseling, but it may be a good idea, as well. The one you visited, you say, seemed like a man-hater… was she really, or was she simply telling you something you didn’t want to hear? Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re out there, and society today is more apt to blame the man for problems than the woman at the best of times ANYway, but just because it FEELS like you’re under attack doesn’t necessarily make it so.
At any rate, before you do anything drastic, you REALLY need to identify the root cause of the problem. It’s not about money, that much is clear. What it IS about is not.
(My wife and I don’t have these problems now. When she feels I’m being an overly critical ass, she tells me so. I, on the other hand, am free to mention that her new pants look like crap on her. Whether she agrees with me or not isn’t the issue. It works out. :))
first, thanks so much for your time and generousity… it means a lot to me. I’ll try to respond to your posts.
Oakminster - I looked at the rules surrounding divorce and you’re right. I have to admit the ugliness and sheer fuckin’ work of divorce is a huge turn-off. Also… the devil you know, right? I’m not perfect and SO is someone who a large part of the time seems to be okay with that…
nyctea scandiaca - thanks. I am really unhappy, but I also am a problem solver by nature. I would love to fix what’s broken here if SO is willing to. Kids - my gosh, I am quite ready to make that step but things being as they are I feel I’m being held up. I’m a former teacher, I really like being around young people.
gardentraveler - the funny thing is, in social settings, we’re really compatible and people in our circles think we get along great. I’m sure our neighbors hear our arguments so they’re not fooled, but people always want us to be at functions and host them. Only occasionally do we “argue” around friends, and it’s usually minor. I actually am the sort who gets angry and then it goes. I can be in a passionate debate and then get a beer with the person afterwards. I’m known for being laid back. With SO, though, there’s often this roundabout crap I go through once I point out to her that something she said or did was hurtful to me - I’m overreacting, I do the same to her, etc. - when all I want is “sorry, didn’t mean to upset or hurt you” (and mean it). I’ll take five minutes and be fine if that was the case. I agree, life is too damn short for bullshit.
ILovCoffee - boy, that’s a weird story. We actually do lists here - better for all involved but there is an allowance for gifts that you think the other person wants but didn’t ask for. Stuff like the TiVo which rules our lives. She didn’t ask for it, but she sure uses it.
XJETGIRLX - without being too specific, it’s about the same. Earlier years in the relationship, I worked a job where I got room and board free plus a salary. With my stipend from school, consulting work, and the like, it is literally about the same. Shared account - I have to admit that I think separate accounts for married people are a little strange. Do both people split the electric bill, etc? Who pays for the family vacation? Maybe it’s a cultural thing but nobody I know does that. We have separate credit cards though. More importantly - gizmos and gadgets she shuns, but when she gets one (like the Palm she got a few years back) - she sees the value and usually gets on board somewhat.
Kalhoun - I think you got it. Only me and SO are a little closer. I’d never pay $65 for jeans (though I’d have no problem if SO did). SO is actually quite charming and good in cocktail party type situations, which I am told I am good at but generally hate. I like what you said here:
Yep. You know exactly how I feel!
Laughing Lagomorph - yeah, but I think I am on the frugal side myself! My friends always point out that I’m wearing old clothes, or driving the old car - buy a new one! Once SO dropped her insurance coverage as a cost-cutting measure (without consulting me first). I about lost it, and despite her lamentations that “nothing was going to happen to her,” I made it clear that a broken ankle could ruin us financially… so I was able to re-enroll her, by the grace of God. Granted that was about 6 years ago but that’s the level of frugality we’ve dipped to at one point.
Girl From Mars - I ask this question and she can’t answer it. I have a need to understand why people do the things they do. Not that they’ll change, but that there is a logic behind the action. I wouldn’t have had a problem if we left the store with a couple of ideas or even the idea to go elsewhere. The glasses, they’re really old looking. Only because she’s good looking can she pull off the look. But, it really is about a greater issue.
Twinkie - yes, you’re right; this is hard stuff. I think I am in the middle: hurt/don’t care. It changes. Right now I’m hurt, last night I didn’t care. The funny thing is, we’re actually quite compatible financially. Live within our means, contribute to retirement accounts, save save save, never carry a balance on a credit card. It’s spending money on herself or big ticket items (like car repairs - it used to drive me nuts and now I just get the car fixed, don’t show her the bill or explain it - I’m not a mechanic but I know enough to know the mechanic’s giving me a break when he can). Second point, she doesn’t (and I don’t) go to church. Before we got married we did counseling at church but I actually recommended this option a while back. Thanks.
bup - she does. And you’re right, her default response is “this isn’t about you.” Well, actually, it is. She often goes the route of saying “this is about me, not you” which seems pretty self-centered. We’re married, so even things that are majoritively about you affect me in some way (though I certainly can accept and agree that it doesn’t mean you change what you do, just consider how it affects me - us - as well).
Lissa - yes, I agree, I come from a loving family (parents married almost 40 years) and they argue a lot. Arguing’s not bad, where I come from. I totally get the “can I live with this?” thing, and I say, “if she’s trying to meet me halfway, I have all the patience in the world as it gets slowly better.” I love what you say about compromise. I often say, “well, we don’t agree, let’s compromise” which she perceives as “losing.” She never articulates it as such, but she always needs to get the last rant, or make the last snarky comment, which drives me nuts. She has to “win.”
yellowval - I get what you’re saying. But while she didn’t come up rich they weren’t poor either. Mom, Dad, Sis, and Bro don’t have that same trait. And I get your feeling about big gifts - but really, it wasn’t about the cost. It was about high-quality eyewear that’s fashionable - honestly, I bet if you compare the prices to Lenscrafters or Sears it’s more, but not by much. I mean, from $200-$350 with all the bells and whistles.
Dangerosa - agree, I’m finding myself saying that a lot. I think I’ve had to change considerably (being careful with money, etc.) but she hasn’t a whole lot. There are certainly improvements, which I let her know about - the better accomodations on our last trip as I mentioned in the OP - but seriously, why is this an issue, I ask, after all these years?
Long Time First Time - on gifting, I guess I’m simple, but I really appreciate a gift that shows the giver thought about me. I got a really nice card and a plant from a friend a while ago, and it really moved me. I kind of assume the best from people. And if it was a weird sort of thing, I’d probably be gracious about it (but then grumble privately, “why’d they give me this?”). My family chipped in and bought me a class ring this year. I never had a ring in HS or college, and I made that comment once - without getting to add, “And because I don’t wear jewelry, no biggie!” But they got me one anyway, and I realized that that gift meant the world to them and they wanted me to have it. So I happily acccepted (though I did protest a bit at first).
delphica - just… well, you and I think very similar. Thanks for your post. I am willing to change somewhat - but I kind of feel, a gift is a gift, especially coming from the person who knows you best, who sees what you need, and is doing something that you might not do for yourself. Again, I only give gifts at the holidays and birthday (my nature is more than that, but I’ve made that compromise).
ratatoskK - yes, money is the symptom. I think it has to do with control and self-restraint. Her dad didn’t demonstrate self-restraint regarding fidelity, alcohol, and money - so she compensates by overcontrolling everything. She perceives a gift as an effort to control when IT IS A GIFT, nothing more. I think SO gets off on witholding pleasure - not getting a dessert at a restaurant, ordering the cheapest stuff on the menu, etc. She used to shop a lot but ultimately take everything back, piece by piece.
jeffrice - thanks for the rec, I actually have read a lot marriage books. One of the best was Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. SO didn’t read it. At points she read but ultimately lost interest. I think her attitude is that we’re supposed to be married, unconditional love and all that, no real work is required… where I feel quite opposite. Maybe that book would be good on tape… I’ll check it out.
Auntbeast - you are dead on about wondering why she feels she doesn’t deserve nice things. I ask the question a lot and she claims that’s not it. But I know she feels she’s not worthy and this is why she is a pest to her siblings who have their own difficulties that she keeps butting into uninvited. (Right now, her sister won’t talk to her when she calls because all she does is rant about what she should be doing. While she’s right in some ways, I tell her that her sister is an adult, doesn’t appreciate being spoken to like she’s a child, and more importantly, some of these issues don’t really concern her.)
So update: things cooled off for a while, but another flare up at 4 am (yes, 4 am) and I ended saying some very hurtful things. But this is one of SO’s strategies: get under my skin, engage me, provoke me, antagonize me until I say something stupid… then she’s the victim. I know exactly what’s going on but I fall for it every time. I eventually grovel and apologize for what I said, but try to make her understand how I feel I was goaded into engaging - even though I was on the couch and left her alone all evening. In my mind she wanted me to behave badly so she could gain the higher status of victim rather than provocateur. But still, regardless, what I said was wrong and hurtful and I deeply regretted it. More bullshit and we were at the divorce discussion (well, argument).
Today at lunch she calls and asks how I am. I say I’m tired, confused. We start talking - or rather, I start talking about how the money concerns and need to control everything is really taking a toll on the relationship, how I’m tired of it, how I’m human and she tends to expect me to be better than that when she behaves badly, but I have nowhere or no-one to turn to when I feel the stress.
She then suggests that we speak to a counselor (something I recommended a few months ago) and I agreed. We also agreed to talk this evening.
I’m still angry and hurt but I’m also touched that she called and seems to want to make things better. She doesn’t seem to understand that you can be in love with someone but be mad as hell at them simultaneously - that as a partner, I need her the most when I’m most frustrated, most upset - to reach out in some way and say, “I know I did something that upset you, but I love you and I want to help you feel better.” She thinks that love is taking all the crap someone throws at you and never being angry… while I think that anger is inevitably tied to love. People you love make you angry at times, angrier than anyone else can. All of my friends and family have made me angry in such profound ways; I’ve done the same to them. But they are also the most forgiving and understanding people at the same exact time.
(I noticed I said “anger” a lot but what I probably mean is “thinly-veiled hurt.”)
I’ll keep checking in for your advice… thanks everyone.
Well hey, it’s great that the two of you seem to be heading in the same direction on this. It’s good that she wants to talk and get counseling, and you feel the same way. That’s a very promising start!
Is anyone else getting a kick out of all the Google ads for eyeglasses?
And speaking of eyeglasses, I, like your wife, I fall asleep with my glasses on all the time. I simply cannot help myself, as I can’t see without them and have to watch TV to get to sleep at night. My solution is to have two pairs: one designated “good” pair that I wear to work and other public places, and an older pair that I put on when I get home because I just know I’m going to be laying on the couch reading a book and get them all bent up. If your wife does decide to get the new glasses after all, tell her to keep the old ones for that purpose!
I will post my sure to be controversial opinions on marriage. I am married and I intend to stay that way for a while. I believe there is dirty underside to marriage that people usually don’t want to acknowledge openly. I conducted a poll here once asking people what percent of marriages are happy ones. We agreed on the assumption that the roughly 50% of marriages that end in divorce had some fundamental problem. However, with about half gone, there is still a substantial number of those that aren’t happy either and they just stay together for whatever reason. Most people will agree on those things are facts yet they don’t want to acknowledge the logical conclusion that happy marriages are in the minority and, according to many of us, a pretty substantial minority.
Marriage is painted on the outside as a blissful union of soul mates. That simply isn’t true for the vast majority of people. A better bet is that a given marriage is going to bring about more pain and suffering than joy and love. Part of the reason for that is people have unreasonable expectations about what marriage is. If the expectations are more realistic, it becomes a more manageable problem and there isn’t this constant pressure to make it this thing that can never be achieved.
Some of the arbitrary expectations of marriage make it more likely to be stressed. For example, one social expectation of marriages is that the couple combine nearly everything. Why? That can cause problems when the divorce comes. It can also cause stress in the day-to-day life of marriage. My wife and I have separate finances and some combined ones. You would not believe the number of people that insist we combine our finances because what marriage is about. Guess what? We both seem to like it that way and our fights about money are virtually zero yet people want to push us into a dangerous are just because that is what other people do.
I have seen the underbelly of a huge number of “happy marriages” more times than I can count. I was exposed to affair after affair as well as hidden drug use and everything else in couples that were supposed to be happy couples to the outside world. At my first professional job at a well-know New England company, I was astounded at the number of affairs in the offices. This wasn’t hearsay, even the senior management flaunted it openly and everyone was careful not to piss off the girlfriend of someone high up. Yet, at family functions, the women fawned over their great husbands and the men smiled while standing between the wife and kids. That stuff used to be widely accepted so that is one way that men dealt with the pressures of marriage. A wife could serve one role and day to day monotony and there could be a lover on the side for the affection. The split duties prevented crossover contamination in the relationship.
Other areas like this are things like attitudes toward compromise. Compromise is fine in some cases but it destroys the true wants of both people of you do it all the time. Let me give you a brilliant analogy that I just made up. Two honeymooners are on the beach looking out over the ocean and the husband remembers that this area has a gorgeous drop off that extends hundreds of feet down but it is tricky to get to. He thinks for a minute a realizes that he has scuba gear and two air tanks in the car but the air tanks only hold enough for one person. He says to his wife, “Honey, I would love yo explore that drop off.” She says, “Hey, you aren’t the scuba diver around here”. He replies that they only have two small air tanks with them. She says, “Ok, we are married now and we need to compromise. We will each take one air tank.”
My wife is headstrong like your wife sounds. It is difficult to compromise with and we she does, she will still set her position so extreme that she still basically gets what she wants by making the middle position still very far from mine. There are other alternatives to true compromises such as taking turn with you each getting exactly what you want on something that really matters to you. I don’t think that truly compromising is healthy in the long run because each person rarely gets what they desire. There are other ways however.
In short, marriage is more of a sham than most people make it out to be. More men than women seem free to acknowledge that. I think that the women feel like a failure based on previous dreams and don’t want to broadcast that to the world. True story: I was at a child’s birthday party last week and I was one of two dads. I barely knew the other dad. He an executive but at least in his mid 40’s and rather old for a small child. He was carrying on a conversation with a mother there and somehow I heard him say “He shouldn’t have gotten married. The only reason to get married is to have children. Everything else is just fluff and risk” The mothers looked horrified and tried to come up with and argument. He turned to me and asked me if it is true. I said that he was right and the evil stares kept coming.
Sorry, Shagnasty, but I do take exception to your statement that the only reason to get married is to have children. I am married. I have no children, and don’t plan to.
I have to go now, so I can’t get into it. But it isn’t a fair statement. Hopefully, someone else has time to expound on why.
That point was really just an addendum to the main thrust of the whole thing. I probably shouldn’t have put it in because I see that it is a focal point and distracting. It just happened lat week so I figured I would throw it in.
I think his main point was directed more at men. He thought that it was risky and made something harder to get out when you need. There is financial risk as well. He looked and sounded rather wealthy so I can see where someone like that wouldn’t encourage marriages based on emotion only.
I took his argument as saying that no one should get married with one exception. People that have kids need to make that commitment for the kid’s benefit.
My view isn’t quite the same. I just think that unrealistic expectations about marriage in general lead to lots of pain and heartache. How many men and women have been hurt by the idea that they have to pool everything? What happens when you wake up one day and find all your combined money snorted away from a secret cocaine habit? I am disgusted with the fancy wedding industry that manages to all but completely separate out a dream ball for a woman from much to do with the actual marriage that starts the next day.
I am not unhappy in my marriage. It is just that I was aware of things before going in and took careful steps to avoid the siren’s song.
I’ve been reading this thread with a lot of interest because your wife sounds very similiar to my mother. I’m very glad that both of you are working toward talking it out because the underlying problems won’t just go away.
First observation…I think Aunt Beast’s and davenportavenger’s points about money carrying symbolic weight are slam-on target. It seems fairly obvious to me that money means something to your wife that it simply doesn’t for you. That doesn’t mean she’s right or wrong. It’s just a fact that both of you need to identify and figure out some compromises.
Second observation…money can be a hell of a sticking point in any marriage, even without additional emotional baggage, because it can be such a control issue. My mother, child of the Great Depression, never grew out of a frankly pathological relationship with money. She horded obsessively, bought only the cheapest crap available–even though she knew intellectually she could easily afford better things that would last much longer–and skimped to a frightening degree. To give you an example, after her death we discovered that for years she made triple house payments each month. This was when my sister and I were young children and just assumed we were dead, barely-enough-to-eat broke. Without any exaggeration at all, some weeks we lived on either navy beans boiled with one onion and a ham hock, or cooked rice with milk and cinnamon it for dinner.
She would never allow either of us to work, not even babysitting, because–direct quote–“If I want you to have it I’ll buy it for you.” Even when we were independent adults, on our own and earning our own money (and pretty damned thrifty), on visits she would search our closets and cupboards, infuriated if she found anything we’d bought for ourselves. And she was the same as your wife about gifts. No matter what we gave her for Christmas, she never used it. Gift giving and receiving bothered her so much we simply never observed birthdays. (When I was 15 she handed me an out-of-date box of cake mix from her basements stores and told me if absolutely had to have a cake, I could make one.) She never threw away food. Her fridge was a nightmare of ancient, unrecognizable…things.
My point is she had reasons for being that way but the fact remains that her money obsession caused considerable on-going distress to those closest to her. Your wife probably can’t ever completely change the way she feels about money but she can–and should–be willing to compromise on how she acts about it.
If nothing else, XJETGIRLX made a valuable suggestion about just keeping separate bank accounts. During our marriage my husband and I always maintained completely separate accounts. We split all bills, vacation costs, etc. and maintained a third joint account we both contributed to regularly and used solely for home renovations. It was the ‘house account’. He didn’t question what I spent otherwise, and I didn’t care what he spent. It worked very well indeed. We never had one argument about money in 17 years of marriage.
Anyway, things to mull over. Best of luck to both of you!
The glasses issue: you feel that they are outdated, worn-out, and unprofessional-looking. How does SHE feel about them? They’re HER glasses, and her face… shouldn’t it be her opinion that matters?