Advice wanted on my crazy life!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hello, I have only been hanging out around for around a month or two, long enough to know that the majority of dopers (not all mind you) are more educated and more rational than I am. I am not saying this for pity, just that this has been my observation. There are plenty of sites I have come across that I believe I would be considered the superior intelect if I wished to join. But then, you do not learn much, and it is quite boring.

As I was reading about others summer plans I became envious. What am I doing this summer? I have yet to decide.

  1. Finally leave husband, move me and my two girls to Texas to be near my sister. It is much cheaper to live there, and the girls are still young enough (12 and 13 y/o). But to do this, I would need some money. My stupid husband would put up a fight to sell our stupid little postage stamp house! He would cause chaos. I am not sure if there is such a thing as a quickie divorce and selling off of property?

My husband is a good enough father, but a terrible husband, and has pretty much ruined our credit. I have a good job now, for someone who does not have a degree, and great work benefits. Yet I am miserable.

I am fighting with 2 of my neighbors. One who flooded my basement last week, when I was in work, due to his hot water heater breaking. We told him in the past, this was going to happen, and he needed to get it fixed (it had leaked before). Now our wall that we share is totally ruined, as well as the tiles, and any other further damage I have not been able to bring myself to look for.

The other neighbor is a crazy 60 year old who harasses the crap out of me and my kids. She is totally nutters. This morning (6:00 a.m.) when I kindly told her to stop trying to kick my dog, she let out a slew of sexual material that honestly made me blush, and I have seen and heard a lot in my lifetime.

I do have a pretty good job. I do expense reports for doctors at a well known hospital. My job is soooo boring. Yet, it pays well, so I have put up with it for years. We got a new dept head a few months ago, and ever since, my boss has been really mean and insulting to me. I think she is overworked, and doing her job and the new guys job. I have a feeling she is looking for a new job.

So, I would like some advice: Do I quit my job, slap my crazy neighbor, pack up my girls and move to Texas with little money, and pray for the best??? At least I would know I tried, and I can always get the same kind of job down there. My sister is there, and a couple of nieces, so I would have some support.

Or do I stay miserable, stay in the tiny house with a husband I honestly hate, and wait for my girls to finish school? I would think they would have a better chance at a college scholarship if coming from an inner city neighborhood, than a suburb in San Antonio, Texas.

It all comes down to this summer. If I am going to jump, it has to be this summer. I would never make such a bold move if my kids are in high school already, I do not want to mess up their education.

I honestly do not know what I should do. Stay in Boston, keeping taking my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-migraine meds? Hoping that I do not crack in the next four to five years?

Or should I take a giant leap and move half way across the country, to try to find some happiness?

Sorry for the long post, you can probably tell I am feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. I would appreciate any honest advice. Just please do not be mean or belittling. Thank you - Donna

2

Texas is not real friendly to those needing public support, especially newcomers. If you hit the skids, their help is likely to be three bus tickets back to Boston.

3

Oh my goodness, I would never end up being on the dole, or asking for the governments help. I know better than that. I have worked and supported myself since the age of 16, and I am not a proud woman, I would take any sort of job if I needed to. However, I have been in the Office Admin field for over 25 years, I am sure I can find something. Also, my sister owns 2 houses, so even if I did crash and burn, we certainly would not be homeless. I even have a 403B that I think I could probably tap into if it ever got that bad.

4

Another consideration regarding your children…even if you pack them up and move to Texas, your current state, whichever one that may be, retains jurisdiction for purposes of determining child custody for six months after you move. Put another way, your husband could file a lawsuit seeking custody of the children in your present state, forcing you to defend in that state, and starting off at a disadvantage due to the perception of you “fleeing” the state with the children. If he doesn’t file a custody action during those six months, you may be able to establish jurisdiction in Texas, forcing him into long distance litigation…but it’s a risk to consider.

5

Don’t leave your current job, but do find a new place to live. If you really can’t stand it you have to find a job in Texas before you change anything. Maybe your family can help there. Sounds to me like being apart from your husband in a new location might make things a lot better. Do you have friends in Boston, any connections besides your husband? Also, are you on the mortgage for the house? Do you need to have the ownership of it in any part? From what I hear, in Mass. it’s a guarantee you’ll get to keep the kids and live in the house if you want to, but then you’ll be in a house you don’t want. If you can afford to just give the house to your husband and get out, those sound like the two biggest problems in your life right now.

6

Yes, if you want to move your kids, you need to consult a lawyer first.

(And definitely keep taking your meds.)

7

That is really a good point, and something I have considered. He has threatened to take just such action if I try to leave with the girls. But he is really not very intelligent, so I say there is a 75 % chance he would not go thru with it. Besides, he is really, really cheap, and he probably would not retain a lawyer. Both girls are old enough I believe to make there own decision - and they have told me if we do make a move it would have to be this summer, as they also do not want to mess up their education. They both think it is a good idea, but I just don’t know…

8

My whole story is sad. I have siblings who live in MA, but I do not speak with them any longer. My Mom became ill with dementia, I begged them for help, and they accused me of making up things. It got really ugly, and weeks after I told them if anything happened to her I would never speak to them again, my Mom had an accident and did not recover. This was just 6 months ago. You learn a lot about family in a crisis situation. They certainly came around when it was time to divide up my Mom’s whole life savings ($8000.00). So, no, I have no one in my city or State that I can rely on. I am on the mortgage, and I also pay the whole thing. If I up and left, my husband would be screwed. I make a lot more money then him. I have stayed this long because he is a good enough father, and for other personal reasons. And I assure you, my kids have been better off having both of us in there lifes - up until now. They are getting older, and are understanding things now.

I swear to God, everything I say is true, and I am really not looking for sympathy, just good advice. Thank you.

9

Since your husband has no money he’s in a bad position. You should talk to a lawyer immediately. I don’t know how much you have invested in the house, if it isn’t much you have to think about dumping it. You could give it to him in exchange for making things easy in the split, or just tank it and move on with your life. Your lawyer can give you good advice on that. That’s what will happen anyway if you run off to Texas anyway, at least now you can control the situation. I’m sorry about your mother and siblings, some families just suck, you’re not alone in that respect. It sounds like you need some people in your life. I don’t know how to help you out there, maybe you can find friends among the parents of your children’s friends. There are a lot of Dopers in the area, maybe others have specific suggestions.

10

It’s making me crazy, so I have to ask: What is point #2?

11

I am literally (as in not figuratively) laughing out loud. :smiley:

OP, no advice I’m afraid, but I’m sorry, it sounds tough.

12

Thank you, you actually made me laugh for the first time in a long time. :slight_smile:

Point two was suppose to be suck it up, and stay until the girls are in college. Sorry, sometimes I just go on and on. I hold things inside and then when I let go, I can seem like a crazy person.

Thank you all for the good advice. I honestly appreciate it. Have a good night.

13

I understand the desire to make a dramatic change and make a clean start somewhere new.

But it seems like life has handed you the last straw and now you want to topple the entire cart (sorry for mixing metaphors). I can’t relate to having a crappy husband or a hateful job, but a messed-up basement sure would make me want to run for the hills! How much would your desire to run to Texas change if you woke up tomorrow and your basement was fixed? How would you feel about your life if you were able to file a restraining order against your crazy-ass neighborhood and she actually abided by it? Would addressing these two things make everything else a bit more manageable, at least for the time being?

Maybe instead of getting a divorce, you could try out separation? Maybe this way you can end the relationship amicably rather than in a hurried, “bitch stole my kids!” kind of way.

Maybe you can bide your time on the job just a little bit longer and wait for your boss to implode, if it seems like she’s heading this way, and in the meantime look for other places of employment? In either Boston or Texas. Or somewhere else. Wherever the job opportunity presents itself, you can plan to move there. I guess I’m worried that If you tell yourself you’ve got to find a job in Texas by the end of the summer, you’ll grab whatever crappy job comes your way and be miserable in your new life too. But if you take some time so you can be more selective about where you want to live, you may actually get closer to getting a job where you can be happy.

I guess what I’m saying is…don’t let panic and frenzy drive your decision-making. I know you don’t want to uproot the kids in the middle of the school year and all, but if you’re going to bail out of your house, marriage, and job, you need to do some planning and soul-searching first.

14

If you mean your husband would be screwed because he would not be able to keep up the payments, I think you would find that one result of stopping payments on the mortgage would be that your credit gets majorly messed up.

ETA: I see you say your husband has already messed up your credit, so maybe the above does not apply. Still, I suspect you will only be digging yourself into a deeper hole, as far as finances go.

15

Dont come to texas. Kick your neighbour in her nuts. Try to take your Boss job. Kick your husband in the nuts. You have to impose yourself! You are a powerful woman. Have you considered what your children want? I am pretty sure they like living on this city - friends are essential at that age! Maybe you could try a few days away from their father. No need to be so drastic mmoving to texas! Honestly i’ve never been there but it seems to be a really conservative city… no cool. You don’t deserve that! Try to fix the problems. It that doesn’t work… go away. You are better off without them. One think I have learnt: it is more important to think aboyt YOUR happiness instead of the others. After I started to do that I became a happy person. I help the others all the time. I go to groceries stores to buy food for the ones who need it. I bought a chocolate cake for a homeless guy the other day - this was the most rewarding smile i’ve seen on a long time. But I always think about me FIRST. Your happiness is important!

16

Children do not get to make their own decision regarding custody. If the parents do not agree, Judges make those decisions in the best interest of the child. In my state, children 12 or older are entitled to express a preference regarding their custody, but courts are not bound by the whims of children for obvious reasons. Child preference is only one of about a dozen factors that are considered in initial custody determinations. In some situations, the parties may be required to pay for a third lawyer, called a Guardian ad Litem to either investigate and male recommendations in the best interest of the child, or to represent the children.

Contested custody cases can get nasty. And expensive.

17

I left my ex and home with only $700 from a savings account, $40k in debt, my clothes, a car, and my job. Got an 800 sf apartment and slept on the floor for the first week. Ate tuna, out of the can. It can be done. And it does turn out ok. I’m now happily married, in a home, and debt free. I didn’t have the complication of kids though.

How do the kids feel about living far away from their Dad?

If you do leave, get your finances documented and settled ASAP so he can’t ruin you further. In my case I didn’t force the sale of the house, just had him pay me for half the equity. Years later though I had to beg him to refinance to get my name off the loan so we could get approved for our mortgage.

Good luck!

18

If you are going to go the divorce route, here is a place to start looking into your options:

http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/subject/about/divorcefaq.html

Obviously, talking to a lawyer is a good idea as well, if you are serious.

You said your husband would cause chaos if you took the kids and moved away. Your life right now sounds very stressful, but not chaotic. You’re working, you are paying the mortgage, your kids are in school and in familiar surroundings. If you move away with the kids, I understand that your husband may very well add to the chaos and make things worse, but make no mistake, it will be you who is causing the chaos.

Neighbor problems can be soul-sucking pits of never-ending aggravation. You can’t control what they do, but you can control how much you let it affect you. (Easily said, hard to do, I know.)

Regarding water heater boy, what is there to fight with him about? Doesn’t he have insurance? Sure, getting your wall and tiles repaired is going to be a hassle, but his insurance should cover most of it, so at least it is not going to be a huge blow financially. Or am I missing something?

Regarding crazy old lady, its hard, but if she is totally unreasonable, for your own sanity just try not to engage her. Your girls are old enough to understand, “its easiest just to stay away from the crazy neighbor.” Keep the dog away from her. Say “good morning” and leave it at that. If “good morning” sets her off, don’t say good morning.

I know you’re joking, but don’t slap her.

If you have a job that pays well and is boring, moving to Texas is not going to make the same type of work more exciting. Bird in the hand, you know?

It sounds like your husband is the only real problem that might merit upsetting your whole life. If he is really a good father, then maybe if he is presented with the possibility of the worse alternative of you taking the girls to Texas and getting a divorce, he might be willing to accept the better alternative of you staying in the house with the girls, getting a divorce and him moving out, since he would then still be able to maintain a relationship with the girls, since they will still be in Boston.

Basically, everything monstro said, too.

Good luck.

19

When it comes to custody, he can file on his own without a lawyer and you’ll have to come back and fight it, and frankly at a disadvantage. Courts want both parents involved with the kids and the whole “I’ve decided to take the kids and move a million miles from the other parent for no real reason” thing often doesn’t go over well.

20

“My husband is a good enough father, but a terrible husband, and has pretty much ruined our credit”

Please clarify. Are the issues just financial? Or do you fight all the time…?

How much equity do you have in the house (its current market value minus the mortgage)?