I can’t find the link. But “I bet you eat stupid breakfast” is one of the best general purpose comebacks I have heard.
Thank you! 
Another remark I’ve come up with:
Them: Are you related to Jerry Springer?
Me: No. My name is apart of Springer Symdrome. One of the symptoms is an overwhelming desire to smack people who make assupmtions.
(The surname I was born with was Hill. I have never had anyone say, “Hill? Like the geographical feature?” Also, no one has ever offered to mount me. 
)
My real name is the same as TWO famous people, so I am always getting this:
“Hey, are you THE [famous name]?”
My standard response is a deadpan, “Gee, I’ve never been asked that before.”
God dammit. You said what I was going to say.
Oh yeah? Well, the ocean called!
It’s “You eat stupid food for breakfast.”
OK. How about “Springer? You spring her. You brought her.”
Congrats on the wedding! Nice pics.
The question to ask is: WWMMD? (What Would Miss Manners Do?).
After they ask the question look them gently in the eyes, smile patiently, say nothing, then change the subject. Devestating and effective, I promise.
I have the last name of a famous person and I get the are you related question/joke a lot. Most of the time I just say “No, I’m not” but if I’m feel bitchy I’ll say:
You’re the first person to ask that…today.
Not really witty but it works.
“Listen, I don’t know what you’re trying to imply, but my husband is NOT named Jerry. We are very much in love. I thik that it’s only fair to point out that any slanders that you make about the nature of my relationships, or for that matter, relations, will be met and overcome with the most severe reprisal. Please, I beg of you, do not tell anybody about Jerry.” Turn away and stomp off. After you are 15 feet away, turn around and scream “How are things in the trailer park?!?!”
hh
Scream, “Y’all don’t KNOW me! Y’all don’t KNOW me!”, then sleep with their husband’s mother’s dog.
Really, there’s nothing you can do. My FIRST name is Carly, and on a daily basis I hear one of three things, none of which make any sense considering it’s my first name, and it’s not like it’s an outlandish one:
-
“Carly SIMON?!? Like the SINGER?!?” (Uh…I guess so? Is that okay?)
-
“Carly? Like… HARLEY? HARLEY DAVIDSON?” (Yep, they rhyme! Good for you!)
-
“Oooh, I had a dog named Carly!” (Um… great! Glad I wasn’t named Spot.)
Nothing will stop the general public from acting like morons about your name. I think it’s a holdover from grade four, when making fun of people’s names was the height of comedy. :rolleyes:
Is Springer such an unusual name? I have not looked it up, but I would have thought it was fairly common.
Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!
Saw Yo-Yo Ma carry this out to extreme perfection once on national TV. Talk show host asked, did any kids ever make fun of you for your name when you were little. YoYo, deadpan: why?? Talk show host, thinking he doesn’t understand: You know, because it’s like a yo-yo. YoYo: A what? Talk show host, beginning to get uncomfortable: A yo-yo, you know? (making gestures in the air) A yo-yo?
YoYo did the most amazing little piece of amateur acting. Complete and total astonishment at a confounding realization. Turning into complete hysteria as if it were the funniest thing ever said. Sliding sideways in the chair. “A yo-yo! … I never THOUGHT of that!”
Talk show host sat there grinning, trying to look clever, and at some point, looking just so incredibly stupid.
And all of American society by extension. Joke’s on me.
My last name is the same as a charachter on Seinfeld or was.
I usually say “You know, I’ve never heard anyone say that before. :rolleyes:”
At that point they usually realize that the most obvious joke isn’t always funny, in fact it wasn’t that funny the first time.
Sometimes I just beat them to the punch if I think they’re the type of person to say such a thing. Stealing one’s thunder before they’ve made the joke/connection works wonders.
You could say “I’m ___ Springer, and no, I haven’t ever had children with my grandparents.”
You could also say “Yes, I’m a Springer, but I know better than to pay a prostitute with a check.”
From wikipedia.
“How’s Jerry?”
“Rich, famous, and happy. How are you?”
No, you should go Cyrano on them! Of course that would take quite a bit of commitment on your part but it would amuse me greatly.
…
awkward silence
His wife is in a coma.
As for the OP, you could always try:
“I’m so sorry.” When they ask what you’re talking about: “I really feel bad for you if that’s the best you got.”
Actually if it were me, I’d probably obviously fake laughter for a few minutes. Then, every time they tried to continue talking, I’d bust in with my laughter again so they couldn’t say anything. This was very well-executed by Death on Family Guy once. When I was finally finished I’d probably say, “So, did you actually think that was a GOOD joke or what? Cause… man. Wow. Hoo!” And I’d plug my nose and fan myself.
But then again, I like to be over the top!
Make a small card, about the size of a small postcard. On one side, write, “So how’s Jerry?”. On the other put four vertical marks. Tuck this in your purse or pocket. Have a pen handy.
Person: “So, how’s Jerry?”
You: “Excuse me a sec.” Slowly take out card and a pen. Show the “So how’s Jerry?” side. Turn it around. Add another vertical stroke. Then cross off all five. Replace card.
This works brilliantly, trust me. It’s not mine. It’s a gag by British comedian Keith Fields.
I always loved Douglas Adams take on this:
Are you THE Zaphod Beeblebrox?
No, I’m just A Zaphod Beeblebrox. Haven’t you heard, we come in six-packs.
A guy I used to work got the short end of the stick when he was born and ended up with the name Mike Jackson. This was our conversation on his first day:
ME: So… you’re Michael Jackson…
MIKE: Yeah (as he stared at me waiting for the obvious joke)
ME: That sucks.
MIKE: Yeah, it does.
I’m pretty sure the only reason we became friends was because I didn’t ask him about his ranch or light complexion.