I owe an update to those who have been so helpful

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Since I first came to this board I have started countless threads on the issues I have with sex and my virginity, and a great number of you have been very helpful to me, and also patient with my immaturity on those matters.

Recently, I made a very vague post about an issue with a girl I was semi-seeing, and reflecting on that I decided I should probably give an update to those of you who took the time to give me advice.

3 years ago, when I was 17, I was set up with a girl through a friend of mine who was dating a friend of hers. She was 2 years younger than me, and we only dated for about 2 months. She was the first (and still only) girl I’ve ever kissed, but we really didn’t communicate too well and we had almost nothing in common, so we mutually ended things.

Well, about a year ago I decided to see if she was on AIM, and I sent her a greeting IM (I had changed my screen name since we had dated). Since then, we would talk every few weeks over AIM, but it wasn’t until just this past December that things started to get somewhat serious. We started talking on the phone a few times, and by January, we were talking almost every day.

Now she was not single at that time. But she was having a lot of issues with her boyfriend lying to her, and then not too long after he told her he had cheated on her. This is when she confided in me the most, but she decided she wanted to try and work things out with him. Another two weeks went by before he decided it wasn’t going to work, and so she was single again.

This was now the weekend before Valentine’s Day weekend, and we made quick plans to hang out, first at the mall (where we browsed and joked about sex gift cards at Spencer’s), and then back to her place, where I had the urge to kiss her but didn’t. She later expressed to me over the phone that she had wanted to kiss me too. We made plans for Valentine’s Day weekend. She was hesitant about wanting to jump into another relationships so fast though, because she didn’t want to hurt me or for me to become just some rebound. I assured her that it wouldn’t be that easy to hurt me.

So the weekend approached and I bought her two stuffed animals for Valentine’s Day (didn’t spend too much, just wanted to do something nice). I brought over a few DVDs and we spent the whole time in her room, and that’s where things got interesting:

We started making out pretty hot and heavy, and she said that I could go further if I wanted to. I started to get a little freaked out because her family was home, and all we had between us and them was a bedroom door that didn’t lock. She assured me that it would be okay because her mom would give us privacy, but that didn’t do much to make me feel better, plus her five year old sister could just walk right in. She also wouldn’t…lead me along. She had already been with two guys, so she knows what to do, and I repeatedly asked her if she would kindly guide me through the process, but she refused, because she’s never had to do that before. So…I fumbled. We didn’t go all the way. We didn’t even go to third base. I simply gave her all the attention. She attempted to reach down and reciprocate, but I’m not used to having someone else touch that area, so I was incredibly ticklish and couldn’t stop laughing long enough for her to really do much. And when she did grab me she was a bit too rough with the pulling. :eek:

So anyway, this continued across the span of 3 movies (Holy Grail, Kill Bill 1 & Kill Bill 2). She wanted to go all the way, but I sort of panicked because I wasn’t ready for that step after only one week of hanging out with her. We laid there and cuddled for a while, and I mentioned that I just wasn’t ready yet, but I also brought up the issue of her getting tested. Her ex had cheated on her with a girl that has quite a reputation, and that wouldn’t have been that bad, if it wasn’t for the fact that she had sex with her ex one last time after he had cheated on her. Sure, we could have used condoms, but I don’t entirely trust them. Some diseases can still be spread through them, and they break on occasion (she confessed to me that they had broken on occasion during sex with her ex). The night ended and I drove home with the Worst Case of Blue Balls in History.

The next weekend I picked her up and we drove to West Chester where my two best friends live in a fraternity house that was hosting a party. On the ride home we were talking about our situation. The mutual feeling was that, while we were both attracted to each other and cared about each other, there just wasn’t that special spark that you feel for someone when you just yearn to be with them. So we have essentially decided to be friends, at least for the time being. The distance between our current residences definitely would not make our situation easy, so it’s for the best.

Ultimately I feel good about the situation. I’ve gotten a little bit more experience from it, and I have also learned that most of my issues that I thought I would have with sex were only in my head. I didn’t really think too much about the fact that she had sex with other guys. So that feels like a mental victory. On the other hand, my situation at picking up girls hasn’t really changed at all, because this is a girl I had already dated before. I do feel a bit more confident, but I still need to go out and gain the experience of starting a conversation with a random girl.

So we’ll see how things go from here. :slight_smile:

2

I had an experience similar to you last summer. I won’t bore you with the details but there was definitely a parallel. I’m in a relationship now, and one of the exciting things about it is how many things I’m doing right, both day-to-day, and intimately. So you really have to take it as a constructive experience.

Just wait until you really ‘click’ with someone- it takes all those feelings and desires you have, and magnifies them tenfold. Sex is nice, but sex with someone you can really bond with is beyond awesome.

3

I’ve read quite a few of your threads in the past. I’m glad to hear things are going ok. Good luck for the future.

4

I kinda new to this message board thing, I hope you don’t mind me making such a personal reply (since I was not one of those who have been so helpful).

My best friend is in a very similar situation to yours and I am in the exact opposite situation. I ask his advice just as much as he asks mine.

Here’s me (on the subject of sex): I am very confident about sex (and most other things) I know how to do the ‘random guy’ thing, I know all the mind games,I’ve had one nighters and two yearers, I know all the techneques. I have had quite a few partners.

Here’s him (on the subject of sex): has had about three girls (maybe less I don’t ask) in the last 15 years, has no idea how do it, talk about it or even approach the subject.

And on the romance issue the situation is exactly the same all round. Guys like you and him seem to think girls like me can get anyone we want. We can, but just because we can pick them up and have sex with them it doesn’t mean it will get us anywhere. We have just as much trouble finding something real, something long lasting.

And as a ‘random girl’ Yes! Do come up and talk to us! There is nothing a random girl likes more than a guy like you comming up and saying hi! And if you do find a girl who just ignores you then go and talk to another one! Most girls will want to know you. :slight_smile:

Hope this helps! :smiley:

5

I won’t even bother to correct those spelling mistakes! just know that it’s 1:30 am and I got up early!

6

By “random girl” I meant a girl I’m not set up with or don’t already know. I wouldn’t have a one night stand with someone. Just not something I would do. Even fingering a girl after only one week was way too fast and I’m glad I was able to stick to my convictions and not go any further because I wasn’t in love with her. And no offense to you or your choices, but someone who can just have sex without any feelings involved is sort of a turn off for me.

7

Sorry if I offended you. I was a little misunderstood: I woundn’t want you to change your beliefs (nor would I want my best friend to). And when I say random girl I was Quoting you (I thought, I should go back to the first message and check). I didn’t mean go out and have a one night stand, it just sounded like you wanted to approch ‘random girls’ and talk (yes only talk) to them but was unsure how they would take it. All I’m saying is they would take it better than you think and go for it.

I can see your point of veiw on one night stands, etc. I admire people who do what you do. If you wonder why I do what I do here it is:
I am young. I plan to have a career in a Chanel suit, a BA and a master of psychology. When I have these things I plan to act like a sensible adult. Now is my only chance to assemble a dissreputable past and I’m going to take it! Right now I want to experince all the things Oscar Wilde wrote about, to do all the things I won’t be able (or inclined) to do when I “grow up”. Most of the great minds of the past 500 years behaved disgracefully in their university days. This I enjoy just as I enjoyed being the cute little virgin who no boy could get near and as I will enjoy being mature, responsible adult and perhaps mother.

Again sorry if I spoke out of turn, I don’t want to change you (nor anyone else for that matter). I read your Message and it touched something in me and I instantly replied. I really wanted to reach out to you and I just hoped that maybe my story might help you in some way too. :slight_smile:

8

I don’t mean to offend either, I’m accepting of different lifestyles. But do you mind if I keep this little dialog open (I hope to learn a lot from asking you this kind of stuff).

When you say you want to “be respectable later, but take your chance to build up a dissreputable past while your young” it sounds almost as if you’re doing it just because you’re young and thus the perfect age for experimentation. It doesn’t necessarily sound like what you want to do. But clearly you do, or else you wouldn’t be doing it.

What I have to ask is, why not just continue doing what you’re doing? Why set a time table by saying “this is when I plan to settle down.” If you don’t want to don’t. If you do, then go for it. Or just let what happens happen. But what if you find someone who you’re head over heals for, and he has similar convictions to mine and he ends up having major issues with your past? Will you decide not to be with him? Will you lie to him to spare his feelings?

Again, I’m really sorry if this sounds like an attack. It’s not. I’m hoping to learn something here. That’s what this boards about after all. :smiley:

9

Oh, and pay up! Stick around awhile. :slight_smile:

10

Ok, I’m glad we got that straight.

You may be more right on this than you think. I used to be rather like this, I did it partly because I thought I should. I still think it’s a logical thing to do (for my situation). There are two main reasons for this: 1. I do love this and I want to enjoy it while I’m young and look the part (then move on to new pleasures just like I’ve done before). 2. I am an artist, I sing, act, write, for this I need (and want) to experience evrything I can in order to do these thing really well. ‘Everything’ includes pleasure and pain, sex, grief, love, hate, even boredom. I don’t ever get called any of the names people with my lifestyle normally do. This is because I don’t dress, talk, act, or even think like a ‘slut’, ‘skank’, ‘whore’, whatever they want to call it. I have a rather snobbish sounding slightly british accent and I dress like a lawyer (BTW I’m not saying this makes me better, just different and with different motives). So every man I’ve ever had has been suprised that I would do what I do and know what I know, and no other person ever knows unless I tell them. Why don’t I just keep doing it? Well it’s great but while you’re doing it there is a lot you can’t do. No matter how wonderful someting is I will always need to moving in seach of new pleasures, if something stops me from ding this I would have to leave it behind. Also I don’t think it’s appropriate for a perent to be acting only for themselves (where as it is fine for young a uni student who really only has responsibility for herself).

No, I wouldn’t lie to someone like this. I can and do lie but only when I know that 1. he (it’s normally a he) is lying to me. and 2. he isn’t expecting the full truth anyway. I’d like to say that this is unlikely - for this reason: I think open mindedness is one of the most important things about a person. I would be unlikely to fall for someone who would not love someone just because of their past. (And BTW, in my experience people with your convictions also have similar open mindedness). However stranger things have happened (including to me) and it’s certainly possible. I really don’t know what I would do. I would not choose not to be with him but if he chose not to be with me I would fully respect that.

Anything you want to ask, ask away. I’m really glad that someone might be learning something from this. :slight_smile:

11

I guess I just have a hard time believing it when people say that sometimes sex can just be a meaningless fling, and other times it can be an act of deep love. Sex is sex in my mind. Period. There is no compromise when it comes to that. If I’m not in love with the person, I won’t have sex with them.

But I’m afraid that my beliefs will differ too greatly with someone who can just give in to lust without any feelings involved, and I would end up questioning if I even mean anything to her. If she can just do it with any random guy, what makes me anything more than just the next fling?

12

Fair enough. I understand that it’s hard to trust a girl like that. I find it just as hard to trust a lot of men. As a result I tend not to trust anyone untill I’ve known them a long time. I can see that this wouldn’t work for most people, people need people or so the saying goes. I don’t feel a need for company, I don’t really mind if I have no one to trust and talk to. Of corse I’m happy to have people around if they want to be around but I really don’t need to have them to be happy. I spent most of my childhood alone so that might have something to do with it.

As for the concept of more than one type of sex, in this kind of situation (as I see it) there are two types. If I go out to a bar to have fun and get laid I will find a man who has gone out for the same reason. I make it pretty clear that that’s all it is (and normally so does he). I don’t call him in the morning, he dosn’t expect me to. He never calls me unless I had asked him to.
On the other hand if I’m really interested I don’t have sex with him. Not until we’ve been together for a while and he knows exactly how I feel about him.
Basicly if it lasts more than a night and I don’t do it on the first night then it’s not just a fling.

The sex itself is different too. We won’t go into details but let me say that if it’s serious it is indiscribably better.

The only time it’s ever turned out differently is this: I met a guy at a meeting (I had seen him before and had been attracted to him) we talked after and he said (trying to be crude and scare me) do you want a quicky out the back? I (diaproving but entertained) said ‘yeah sure’. The look on his face was priceless, he was completly taken ablack. To cut a long story shot we ended up doing it a few days later. He then (shock horror) called me a few days later and we aranged to meet in a cafe. We ended up good friends - who sleep together. This happend over a year ago and we are still friends and still sleep together when we are both single. And when we are not single he still calls me every 2nd night. Rather an odd happy end. :slight_smile:

I have been in very different situations, not very long ago I was with someone who was 8 years older than me. I was pretty serious. Only ended up lasting 6 months (which I still regret). He was worried he might lose his job if anyone found out, so we didn’t drink together, didn’t take any drugs, and didn’t have sex (we did no more than kiss). This was fine with me. I was happy with this. And I would be happy to go back to that situation.

BTW, Please understand that I’m not trying to justify this, just to explain it. I’m telling you this so that you know about another sub-culture not to try to make you join it. :slight_smile: