That’s what I thought, too, until I finally ordered one a few years ago.
…to one who ruins perfectly drinkable alkyhaul with tomato & clam juices. 
There are a lot of human males who would do that if they could; what they won’t do though is greet their buddies by sniffing their bunghole
Well, they should probably pet him first.
Inspired by the OP, I just made a Reuben with extra mayo. So good.
just kidding
I’m not especially a fan of the bagels lox and cream cheese thing as I prefer smoked salmon to the brined or marinated kind (the “house smoked salmon” from my beloved Pusateri’s is to die for – fattier and smokier than most, artfully sliced with a sushi knife right at the fish counter). But I will definitively say that a toasted bagel with Boursin – a sort of French-ified cream cheese – is very fine stuff. A toasted bagel liberally anointed with Boursin Garlic & Fine Herbs cheese and a good cup of coffee makes a truly fine small breakfast, bringing an entirely new meaning to the hitherto derogatory term “dog’s breakfast”!
My preferred method of moving smoked salmon from plate to mouth is on slices of buttered baguette. Capers would be fine but I don’t usually have them around. If I want a bit of extra kick, wasabi works well. This essential sushi ingredient is remarkably compatible with smoked salmon.
ETA: No report on the Wolfpup Sandwich™* yet, as I’ve had cabbage rolls in tomato sauce to finish and I have half a tub ot tuna salad that’s approaching its “best by” date.
* Patent pending
Earlier, when I told the OP nobody has such a fanatical devotion to condiments?
I was wrong.
As long as you leave off the salmon and the onion you’ve got a pretty good thing there.
Raw onion, and especially raw red onion, goes right in the trash ballast along with the sweet gherkins. Grilled white or yellow onions are great on sandwiches & similar. There is no way to render red onion worthy of eating; the annoying tang overwhelms any and every food it touches, leaving no other flavor but a clanging gong of discordant uggh. And quite an aftertaste.
I greatly enjoy salmon. And smoked fish of most sorts. Smoked or brined salmon is just nasty.
Gimme the bagel with cream cheese and the onion. Throw the salmon back in the ocean where it can’t pollute my food. Horrible fish no matter how it’s prepared.
The less said about clam juice the better.
I always used to have a tiny bottle of capers on the door of the fridge but never thought about them until the inevitable day when I threw them in the garbage.
Then one day in HEB (probably buying sweet gherkins) I saw a guy pick up a ginormous jar of capers. I quipped, “Whoa, for me that would be a lifetime supply of capers. Hehe.” He turned to me with a look of evangelical earnestness. With an implied au contraire he said, “I used to be that way, but now I put them in everything.”
Did I mention that I suffer from FOMO? That day I bought my first big jar of capers, and I’ve been using them liberally ever since. I wonder if capers are a gateway condiment?
You are not alone, Carol. Me, too. But I love corn-flavored anything.
Once I was at a food show at the Long Beach Convention Center with two friends. They both grew up in the South and were excited to find a vendor selling Watkins & something spices. This company used to sell door-to-door when they were kids, and they loved the spices. The vendor had a dip made with their Cajun seasoning and sour cream and Bugles. OMG. Talk about bliss points. My body can no longer handle that much fat in one sitting, so I don’t eat them any more, but they linger pleasantly in my memory.
Raw red onions are fine in moderation. But pickled red onions improve everything they’re put with.
Amen. For me, onions are one of those vegetables I like both cooked down and raw. For a sandwich, it’s almost unthinkable not to lay down a thin slice of tomato, some thinly sliced onion, salt, and pepper. One of those things that just make me really happy. But pickled red onions are just another level. Or make them spicy as well by throwing some peppers into the jar as you pickle them.
Oh yeah, if a taqueria has the Mexican st;ye pickled red onions, I’ll almost assuredly return.
Years (decades) ago I used to stuff pitas with canned tuna and shredded cheese, then pop them into the microwave just long enough to melt the cheese.
I was much younger and more foolish then.
Ah, grasshopper, welcome to maturity. 
Yeah, you should have used a toaster oven or a sandwich press for that delicious Maillard reaction. Patience is a virtue.
Couldn’t agree with you more, except for one odd exception: the A+W Mozza Burger. (I think that’s T.I.)
At the time I had neither of these, so I was working with what I had.
A mosquito burger? WTF? @mozchron will be so proud of them.
I’ve inadvertently eaten mosquitoes before. Not recommended…
Especially when riding a galloping horse.