I pit friendships.

The BBQ Pit
1

When I was in high school, I fell in love with my best friend. Or she became my best friend after I fell in love with her, I can’t remember. In any case, for whatever reason, we could never manifest our friendship in to a relationship. Being the dumb kid I was, I didn’t really accept that. In retrospect, she was quite a bit more mature than I was. A year or so later, through my continued (and probably somewhat annoying) attempts at courting, I found out she was dating my 21 year-old friend (who she met through me, interestingly enough) and lying to me about it so she didn’t hurt my feelings. Needless to say, throughout the rest of high school, there was a lot of ill will and backbiting between us. It got to the point where we didn’t even talk to each other at graduation.

So, I happen to, by complete accident, bump in to her at an anime convention a few months back. We talked and hung out, kind of like we were pretending the last few years never really happened. Hell, I took care of her when her sore throat was acting up and she couldn’t reach her boyfriend (who was at a party with his cellphone turned off). Needless to say, I made my girlfriend mad by hanging out in her hotel room all night watching TV with her. I look back on it very, very fondly, because it reminded me of what I lost because of my own pettiness and immaturity and what I could regain through some time.

As for what I’m pitting…my birthday’s coming up and every year, my friends and I (a few of us have December 13th Birthdays as well) throw a small birthday party where we simply have fun with our closest friends. I invited the girl earlier this week and told her I’d really like it if she came. She gets back to me yesterday with a rejection and it took quite a bit of poking and prodding to get her to explain why. Her boyfriend doesn’t want her to go, apparently, because of all the crap I put them through (most of the things he accuses me of are baseless, but there are some things, like perpetuating a nasty rumor I’m not proud of and have apologized for, are true) back in high school. And he’s a nice guy, I know that, I just know I’ve also burned him pretty bad, so I can see why he wouldn’t trust me now. If it matters, it goes both ways, considering as much as he’s lied to me in the past to protect his own interests.

In any case, I’m trying to make my ammends and possibly fix some broken friendships, but it doesn’t seem like anyone’s willing to go as far as I am. So, here I am, pitting friendships. It seems the only ones worth having are the ones that just happen, not the ones that require so much work.

2

I have to disagree with this. Any relationship, friendly or otherwise, takes work. The ones that are worth having are the ones that are worth working towards.

3

Strikes me, purely from reading your story, that it would be better for everyone just to let this one go.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, people screw up what might have been good friendships - usually, because of jealosy or an inability for one person to be willing to not attempt to cross the line between friendship and romance.

Don’t assign blame - just move on. There are other people out there, with whom you will not have as much baggage.

4

would you still want to make amends if the girl’s taken out of the equation?

5

You mean with just her boyfriend?

Interestingly enough, we’re still fairly good friends. We don’t go out of our way to see eachother, but we’re cordial if the situation arises.

6

Yikes… I feel for you, but honestly, it’s probably best if you put this all behind you. Your history with this girl, for better or worse, is a complete hash.

I’d suggest leaving the door open and letting her come to you if she’s going to… but in the end, when you’re pretending that the last few years didn’t happen, chances are you both are just more conscious of that fact. An issue is never quite so clear as when you’re dancing around it.

For whatever it’s worth, I wish you luck and happiness.

7

That is not friendship. That is just being civil. Ex-spouses do it all the time. Anyway, I doubt you were ever really friends so you shouldn’t be pitting
friendship. It sounds like you were trying to take the friendship backdoor into her heart and pants and it didn’t work out. Don’t feel bad. You aren’t the first to try this but it often backfires just the way you saw.

8

I’m really not quite sure at all where you got that. I apologize if I gave off that impression, but I have a girlfriend of one year who I’m quite happy with, thank you.

9

I read your OP again to see if I misunderstood it. Nope, my analysis sounds even more dead-on after I read it again. It has nothing to do with your current girlfriend. I am talking about taking that tactic with someone in the past and then expecting them to be your “friend” again.

10

Shocking Albero You might wanna re-read what I’ve quoted. You didn’t really do anything ‘wrong’, you acted like a guy is programmed by evolution to act. But you didn’t treat her as a friend. Friends don’t go around making their friends lives miserable if they can’t get any lovin’ from 'em.

Don’t be all that surprised that someone who you weren’t friends with, and indeed, someone you fought with, doesn’t feel the same intensity as you do all this time later.

11

From what you’ve written, Shagnasty and FinnAgain are spot-on.

Drop these two acqaintances and move on with your life.

Good luck. Really. I’m not trying to be harsh, just realistic. :slight_smile: