Not for being mean to me, not for breaking up with me (it was 18 years ago and we were both teenagers), not for any life choice she has made recently, or the way she has treated me or others. Rather, I pit her for being SO UNBELIEVABLY ATTRACTIVE AND PERFECT FOR ME in all possible ways that she just makes other women pale in comparison. I mean, sure she’s smart and vivacious and likes to tease and joke and completely gets me… but does she also have to be competitive and into scifi books? Does she also have to have exactly the same weird social neuroses I have? Does she also have to be smokin’ hot and in preposterously good shape? I mean, that’s just adding insult to injury.
(I was just visiting her this weekend… we’re still friends, but she’s happily married and has two children).
Had the same thing going on with The Perfect Woman (who broke up with me when we were teenagers, only because I cheated on her.)
Idolized her for decades afterwards. Took maybe ten years for me to realize that there was really no hope of correcting my mistake.
Lived with her, in a couple of different contexts. (Yeah, her and her long-time boyfriend.) Tantalus had nothing on me, let me tell ya.
All I can offer in the way of consolation is this – if we’re working on the same scale, you’re only about three years from meeting the one who finally eclipses her.
Take comfort in this sir… If she is that compatible, you likely would never work out. IMHO, same types of people rarely work out, there has to be a balance, like Yin-Yang. Sounds like you have a great friend. I am sympathetic to your loss, but I celebrate your friendship.
I call this the J*** P******** effect. In every one of our lives (my theory, only cite is personal and observed experience), there is one person in whom we fall madly in love and will remain forever. The one person with whom we will never be able to have a stable, normal or continuous relationship. If we can continue to be friends with that person, all the better for us. If not, well…it sucks to be us.
One would think so, and I have referred to it this way sor a large number of years, but being as how it is a fairly common name (GIS brings up somewhere in the neighborhood of a brazillion hits) I didn’t want anyone to think I am referring to them personally.
Someone upthread described this type of infatuation as, “idealization,” and having been the type to place people on pedastals and think, "oh mi gosh, but we’re just sooo good for one another and why doesn’t he see it and i’m never, ever going to find anyone as good again, " i can assure you that in most cases you’re seeing your ideal of the person and not the real person. i mean, if y’all were so incredibly good together, why’d you break up in the first place? I bet if you really looked you could find tons of things you don’t like about her. Just my $.02
I agree that there is probably some idealization going on here… but the reasons we broke up had far more to do with us being 15 and it being an LDR (which is even HARDER do deal with when you are 15) than with actual substantive issues that would matter today.
But, given that she is married, the point is not “oh, I want her so badly”, the point is “how on earth will other women live up to this?”
Is this really the attitude you are taking into all your relationships? Comparing them to this fantastic(al) ex you’ve enshrined in your heart? Of course they can’t compete with your high school sweetheart. She hasn’t had a chance to screw up lately, and resides in the rosy glow of your memory. Your image of her is likely not real. It’s all very Gatsby-esque.
I think you (and your future GFs) would be much better served if you found a way not to use your ex as a yardstick. If I found out a guy I was dating was evaluating me that way, I’d be really hurt. It’s unfair and you’re sabotaging yourself. IOW, you’d be doing yourself a big favor if you found a way to get over this infatuation.
Not that I know how you’d do that… but I’ve known people with a similar fixation to yours, and it never boded too well for their relationships.
the thing is you never found out how you werent really perfect for each other, you never got to the stage of finding her flaws and imperfections so she is an ideal…you just need to realise or at least look at it that way.
