I Pit The Asswipe Fucking With My Marriage

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Just chiming in with a voice of support here. In my case it was my husband who was abused (although not sexually) by his father, so I know how it can infect your relationships with other people, especially your spouse. We revisit a lot of the same issues over and over and he has been to a lot of therapy too, and sometimes as the “well” spouse it is hard to know what to do. You feel anger and pain at the abuser for them and sometimes frustration, and then more guilt for feeling frustration. It’s great that you seem so aware of how this is affecting your relationships and I think you will find a way through all this.

It is ongoing. My husband had to cut off ties with his father but I know it still affects him, especially after we had our own son together. And new life changes bring new reflection and new perspective. But speaking from the side of the spouse, it sounds to me like you are doing a good job by working on it and acknowledging it. So please do give yourself credit for what you have already accomplished.

It is astonishing how impressions made as children live with us forever and it is a lesson I try to remember every day as we raise our child. But we are also astonishing in our ability to recover. I try to remind my husband of the present and all that we have together right now. This is a tricky thing to say sometimes, because the past is very real and I don’t want to belittle anything or make him feel like he cannot vent or talk to me, but once in a while I see him wallowing in it a little. I allow him to vent for a while but then sometimes I push him a little too. I hope that makes sense. I know him very well and I know he can get caught up in it all and get kind of fixated on it, like a record caught in a skip. Then I push him along a little, and try to bring him back to the present and the truly good life we have today. It seems to help, to keep in in the present.

Sometimes I think our minds get exhausted trying to work through it all, and can even get stuck in destructive and despairing thoughts. After a while it seems like he gets in a spiral and needs to be plucked out and put on a different plane, so he can look down from a different place for a while, if that makes any sense. It is hard to tell sometimes whether he is working something out or just trapped in a mood though. I joke that one of these days I will get to slap him or throw a glass of water in his face to make it more dramatic.

It is good to have a place to vent where you can just get it out, so here is good! It can give you different perspectives too. Keep the faith.

62

Wow. I don’t know what to say, olives, except that my heart goes out to you. Good luck.

63

(a) Yet another doper offering you anonymous support and good wishes. And support and good wishes for your husband, as well. Overall, he’s a damn lucky guy, and I bet he knows it.

(b) If you have an attitude of “I have to be able to laugh about it, or else I’ll cry”, you might be cheered up/distracted by this totally tasteless anecdote. If not, please skip it.

64

There was once a time where I found shit like that distressing. Today, I laughed. :smiley: Life goes on.

65

Well, I think I owe you an apology. I tried what I considered a one-liner, harmless flirt in another thread of yours, but now, it just feels…wrong.
Please accept my apologies if it came across as creepy and out-of-line.

66

What is EMDR?

67

Check it out here.

68

Actually… it made my day. :slight_smile:

69

olives, I’m not very good at expressing condolences, and I haven’t been through anything like this so I don’t have any kind of words from experience. I do want to say that I agree 100% with what Rubystreak says here. I think it was this thread in which I first noticed you, and right away I was impressed by your intelligence. More importantly (in my book anyway), you truly seem like a good person. You’re definitely my favorite of the new dopers. I had this opinion before I even saw this thread, so I’m not just saying it out of sympathy.

[del]I hope things go better for you.[/del] Actually, I’m confident that things will go better for you because I think you can get through this. Hang in there, and be well.

70

olives I have nothing more to add than anyone else has. No great insights or anything. I just wanted to say that you seem like a really sweet, smart, capable person with good insight into herself. I’ve noticed from my own experience that things hurt more when they’re starting to heal, because I’m actually thinking about them. So hang in there.

And I’ll nth the recommendation to hug your husband tight. He sounds like a peach.

71

(((((olives))))))
I know several people who have been in your situation - too many. I repeat - It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Concentrate on your own well-being, continue going to therapy, both on your own and with your husband (who sounds like a great guy, BTW) and tell your family of origin to go fuck themselves.

72

Olives, I’ll come out of the woodwork to add my voice to the chorus of those who have noticed your postings here, appreciated them, and formed a solid, positive and admiring impression of the person behind them – all before you ever started this thread. Also, I’ll join my voice to those who have expressed awe and admiration of your strength and bravery in the face of what you’ve had to deal with. If you were in front of me, I’d hug you, then fall down at your feet out of respect.

My own experiences of abuse (physical and sexual) are different from yours. (I would say “less horrible” but I respect and appreciate what you’ve already written about the folly of quantifying suffering). I don’t have much to add in terms of advice or help – I’m just another person offering you support and encouragement, acceptance, sympathy and (as much as is in my power) understanding.

I was intrigued by an earlier poster’s suggestion that helping others heal can help us heal ourselves. That’s a sound observation (as many who have benefited from AA would agree). I spent some time volunteering for a rape crisis center and found it a mixed blessing, myself. On reflection, I think it was overall a positive step in my own healing process, and I’d encourage you to consider something similar if it interests you.

You and your husband will be in my thoughts and in my prayers. I hope that strength, peace, and love will continue to enrich and bless both your lives, and I hope that you will both continue to find courage and solace in your lives together.

73

I just want to let you know Olives, that I am here, I am listening, and I care. I have nothing else to add except my thoughts and prayers to to you and your husband.

74

I wish you peace of mind. (I would write more words of encouragement but my mind is being pulled towards juvenile fantasies of inhuman cruelty towards your stepfathers and your Mom, I’d rather just keep it as short as possible.)

75

{{{{{olivesmarch4th}}}}}

Seconded.

Your two stepfathers are scum (and that’s a terrible insult to scum everywhere- the gunk in my fridge would be entirely justified in punching me in the nose for saying that). They raped someone who they were responsible for protecting from that sort of thing. It just doesn’t get too much lower than that.

I’d say yes, a big one.

76

Things I would tell you if you were in my self-help group - you are not a victim. You never were a victim. You don’t need to self-identify as a victim. You are a normal person who had bad things happen to them. You know from CBT that what you tell yourself is critical.

  • There are no absolutes. I read this in Lucinda Bassett’s book “From Panic To Power,” and it is one of the most powerful things I have read. We want to be 100% recovered; we want to be 100% fixed; we want all or nothing, but life is lived in the grey areas. You’ll have good days, and less good days, and the good days will start outweighing the less good days, but you’ll never have no less good days; that’s not a realistic goal.

  • You’re NOT going to be afraid for the rest of your life. That’s not good enough for you. You deserve to be healthy and happy; we all do. Tell yourself this every day until you believe it. And say it with a big grin on your face.

  • You forgive for yourself, not for the person who hurt you. Holding onto past hurts is like holding a sharp blade in your hands - there comes a time when you have to let go, regardless of how badly you were hurt, because it continues to hurt you if you don’t let it go. Forgiveness is not forgetting; it doesn’t diminish you or put you in a submissive position to forgive others - just the opposite. There is all kinds of power in forgiving others - the power of not letting old hurts affect you, or let people from your past live rent-free in your head.

  • Dreams can be extremely useful for working things out and letting them go. If you’re not a lucid dreamer now, you can learn how to become one, and use your subconscious to work out issues. You might dream about being afraid and upset and hurt, and then at some point you might find a way to do things differently and process things and put them away.

  • You can re-parent yourself. Nobody, and I mean nobody, gets everything they need from their parents. Some people get more than others, but we can all give ourselves what our parents missed. You know what your mother and father and step-fathers didn’t give you; it probably scares the shit out of you, but you can learn to give all those things to yourself.

77

I wanted to add to the “it’s not your fault” pile too.

I went through the same thing with my stepfather and spent years getting past it. I abused drugs and alcohol, got into a string of bad relationships and did a lot of really stupid and self-destructive things before I finally got a clue. When it dawned on me that I was still giving that bastard control over my body, I knew I needed to make some changes.

I’m 36 now and have made huge strides, but sex is still a hangup of mine. I don’t get panicky about it anymore, but I still don’t have a lot of desire for it. It’s the #1 thing that Mr. m and I fight about, even though he’s incredibly understanding most of the time.

It takes small steps, and sometimes going backwards a little, to make real progress. But I know this (and this is the mark of real progress for me): it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t asking for it and I didn’t deserve it. And I deserve to be happy.

And so do you. Best of luck to you and your husband as you work through all of this.

78

Good advice, featherlou (and to all of you, again, I thank you.)

This is useful for me. I’ve been such a wreck the last couple of days it’s easy to miss the subtleties. Means I oughta start mediatating again. I did very well for most of January, but February’s surprises derailed me. When I meditate, life is much less black-and-white all-or-nothing and much more filled with a vast spectrum and continuum of mental states, none of which last and therefore none of which I feel the need to cling desperately to.

But wouldn’t expecting to be no longer afraid be tantamount to expecting complete 100% recovery and harboring unrealistic expectations? I spent a lot of time worrying. I spend a lot of time afraid. I’m working on these issues in CBT but I have to face the fact that this may be a component of my life for as long as I’m alive–same with the depression. Generally, for me, the safest route through depression and anxiety is not to be terrified and convinced I must avoid feeling that way at all costs. The more I let it come and just stay with it and accept it and don’t overreact to it, the easier it is for me to let go.

Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends on your definition of forgive. I don’t waste time thinking about him. Usually when I do think about him it’s low-level irritation. Sometimes when things feel really hard to deal with, I do get pissed off at him–but I figure that’s better than being pissed off at myself. The more my husband and I can come together and look at PTSD as something external, something imposing on us rather than arising from some weakness we have as a couple, the better off we’ll be. I never want to see him again. A part of me is still afraid of him. But I don’t think that’s necessarily holding a grudge so much as looking out for #1.

Yes. I learned to do this during my break from my Mom. Up until that point I was always desperate for her approval, and I was very much a martyr for her cause. If Mom wanted me to reconcile with this douchebag, then by golly that would be the best thing for everyone. During my time away from her I learned that I don’t need her. I don’t need a father, either. I’m an adult. I’m fine. It’s been a long and difficult process, but I have learned to parent myself, and I have to give a lot of credit to my husband here because he’s the one who taught me what self-love is. He was stubborn and persistent in this regard… for the first few years of our relationship I was unable to understand what his problem was (you know, being with me and all.) I essentially viewed his love as like a favor or a sacrifice on his part, stemming more from his altruistic nature than any real desire to be with me. Eventually I came to realize that I give him just as much as he gives to me. Once I made that realization and recognized that an amazing person married me because I deserve it, our relationship became stronger.

And I grew up. I don’t really know how one would define “adult” but even though I thought I was one at 17, I really didn’t become one until that year I spent away from my mother. It’s a gradual process, I guess, but eventually I realized that having a shitty childhood in no way excuses you from the universal laws of conduct inherent in any society. Still have to pay my bills, go to school, build a career, etc. It’s not particularly fair that I have the added burden of psychological disorders, but what the fuck ever. I grew up. I have a life. I love it, etc. Sometimes life’s a bitch but you have to keep rolling on. I’ve got too much to lose to give up on everything now.

I’d just particularly like a sex life, too. If there’s anything I do indeed feel robbed of, it’s that. We’re young and he’s beautiful, and in the context of our relationship I’m beautiful, too! And there’s so much I want to try and do and so much fun I want to have with him–I know how good it could be if we can just learn how to deal with this and move through it. Deep down inside of me there’s a very kinky girl who loves sex and is confident in getting it–she’s just buried underneath all of this extraneous bullshit. So maybe the sex therapy’s not just for husband’s sake, after all. :wink: Sure doesn’t make me any less terrified, though. :eek:

79

My sincerest apologies for your pain, no one should have to go through any of that.

My “uncle” – father’s brother-in-law – sexually abused and raped me for many years. The same was so bad that at 20 I attempted suicide. My family chose to keep the man who tortured me and dismiss me as a “whore.”

What I have to say is has been repeated in this, please forgive me.

Look into couples’ counseling. It can help and give the two of you a safe place to discuss very unsafe memories.

Therapy can also help. Returning may be intimidating, but a good therapist is worth the effort. (I compare looking for a counselor to dating: lots of questions about personality, goals, etc.)

Some books that may help:
Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving

Survivor’s Guide to Sex

Best of luck to you.

80

I own both of those! They are very good. I would actually argue that Sex for One had a huge impact on my ability to reclaim my individual sexuality. My major problem right now is when others come into the picture–more specifically, my husband. I just freeze up.

I’m so sorry for what you went through… suppose I can relate all too well, but I would never wish it on anyone. You seem like a very competent and healthy person, and I admire that in you and will work on cultivating more of it.