What about sheep? The poor sheep. You bad person. How would you like your head shorn down to the skin every year.
I am watching the deer in my back yard, so pretty.
I was once held hostage by a mother deer and her two fawns as I was walking out my own front door. If I had made one move, the mother eff-ing deer would have charged me. So pretty, my ass!
I bought two new pairs of shoes today.
Shoes? You’re talking about shoes right in front of ME!? My dear departed mother was kicked to death by someone wearing shoes six years ago. Could you possibly be more insensitive?
I think carpeting is preferable to hardwood floors.
Oh, sure, let Jasmine’s bronchial tube swell up and suffocate her because of all the allergens trapped in that filthy carpet! Who gives a shit as long as I have my precious carpet?!
I’ve always preferred fall to spring or even summer.
FALL is not the name of a season. It’s officially called AUTUMN. Get your stupid facts right, godammit!
The real estate business is recovering nicely.
So your real estate holdings are showing nice profits? How nice. Frankly I’m surprised a 1%er would deign to sully themselves associating with us.
My father just gave me a $100 savings bond; no niggard is he.
You used the N word or some similar-sounding term, you racist.
I just got a nice performance evaluation and a raise!
You probably French kiss the boss’ butt all day. Typical brown noser.
My son won the school spelling bee!
Yeah, I hear everyone getting a participation award is the new ‘winning’ these days.
Yay! I just got cast in the next Star Trek movie!
Man, that franchise has gone on way too long. And no doubt you’re playing the red shirt character who dies in the first three minutes.
I got three great books at the library.
Picture books, I assume.
Tuning up the law mowers so I’m prepared for the weekend!
I can see you out there at 6:00 in the morning, waking up the whole neighborhood with all your machines.
I got a new hand held device today.
Probably with the money you got from that raise you were bragging about. Did you ever stop to think there may be a better, more practical use for that money? Think of the starving children why don’t you.
I’m bummed it’s only Wednesday, I really wish it was Friday.
Back in my day we had *four *Wednesdays and 12 Mondays in a row! Only *then *could we starting *thinking *about a 6 hr weekend during our 10 minute lunch break on Thursday. Damn kids today.
I’m thinking about running amok through a crowded mall with a kris, Indonesian style.
Some might consider that inconsiderate if not downright impolite. For shame.
I wonder if the neighbors would mind if I painted my house aqua and puce?
You mean aqua and “puke”? Cause that’s what I’ll do on your porch every day I come home from work and am forced to look at that abomination!
My boss is out today, so I should be able to take it easy. Isn’t that nice?
Right, and let all your customers suffer from your bad service. And don’t you know people can now put it on the Internet, where everybody finds out how bad your service really is? I hope your boss sees their comments!
I just won a $10,000 scratch off lottery ticket.
After spending $25,000 on tickets the past decade. Nice math skills, Hawking.
I quit smoking 6 months ago, and I feel great!
You were ‘smoking hot’ 6 mos. ago. Now you’re a lard-ass.
I am going shopping for cute sandals, Yay!
With those feet?! You’ll look like a deformed Hobbit!
I’m off tomorrow, isn’t that great?