Whoa, whoa, TMI, man! What, were you raised by wolf proctologists or something?
I have never actually met a wolf proctologist.
I can hear the disappointment in your voice. But you probably need an elephant proctologist instead.
I just can’t get over how well my Microsoft operating system runs.
You are just so geeky. Do you think that makes you look smart or something?
I am making cookies for my grandkids. M&M and chocolate chip. Yum.
Sure, get 'em started on diabetes early. That’s grandmotherly love for ya.
Both of my grandmothers died years ago.
I never knew any of my grandparents, you don’t hear me throwing myself a pity party, do you?
I just had a few delicious strawberries.
My niece was recently hospitalized with anaphylaxis after eating strawberries. She could have died, you know.
My dog is extra cuddly today.
Probably fat because you feed him too much and never walk him.
I think deep down, there’s more than unites us than there is that separates us.
Platitudes! And why do you presume to think that there’s anything at all that unites Me with you?
I’m getting old. I’m not overweight at all, my BMI is 23, but my knees ache when I go up the stairs.
You think you are the only old person with aches and pains. Try living with a hand that suffered a snapped off wrist bone!
A friend I lost touch with came into my workplace today, and we’re now going to keep in touch.
Isn’t that what you always say? This friend has probably reached out to you before and you’ve just been “too busy” with your own little life to care.
We had a lot of rain today, I’m very happy it wasn’t snow.
So you don’t care about the disappointment of thousands of people who were planning on having an enjoyable day skiing and sledding.
I just finished supper and I’m stuffed.
Frankly I think it’s disgusting that you’d equate your own gluttony with the plight of birds and other animals, who are murdered en masse and have their carcasses filled with even more food, just to satisfy your whims.
I’m watching Futurama.
Futurama is on and you didn’t tell me sooner! WTF is wrong with you, goddammit!
rushes to also watch Futurama
So what’s it like, you know, being a member of the herd and all?
My son is hoping that Santa Claus brings him a shiny new bicycle this year.
The height of child abuse! Not only is it cruel to give a child a toy he can’t use for six months, but more children are maimed by bicycles than any other device known to man.
I’d go skiing but the ski hills have closed for season.
What? You want it to snow in April, disappointing all those children who got shiny new bicycles from Santa even longer? Don’t you know children need fresh air and exercise?
I just love the TV show young Sheldon.
By your failures to capitalize the first word of the show’s title and italicize the show’s name, you reveal yourself to be utterly unworthy of the Dope.
I just started a new tube of toothpaste.
Typical stupid sheep, buying heavily advertised toothpaste when everyone knows baking soda is cheaper and works just as well.
There’s a really pretty rainbow in the sky right now!
Rub it in, why don’t you? It’s been rainy, cloudy, damp and miserable here. Besides, don’t you have more important things to be doing besides gazing at rainbows? Next you’ll be telling us about the unicorn in your backyard.
I’m transitioning our dogs to a new grain free food, they really seem to like it.
Yeah, I’m sure they “like” eating the same thing for every single meal, every single day. They’re probably just grateful you remember to feed them at all.
I’m thinking of learning to knit.