Warning: more online dating dating drama to follow.
I met this guy on OKCupid. We sent some messages back and forth, seemed to have a lot in common, so we made tentative plans to meet and exchanged phone numbers in the meantime. And he started calling all the time. 2, 3, 4 times a day. At first I answered, and he’d want to talk for hours. Literally, hours. I’d tell him I had x planned for today and I couldn’t talk long, but every time I’d try to get off the phone he’d throw some other topic out for discussion and it took a lot of willpower to say, “I’m sorry, I really need to go.” He continued even after I told him that I don’t really enjoy talking on the phone a lot, that only 2 out-of-town friends regularly spend an hour on the phone with me, and that’s only once every couple of months.
He also started being weird about other things, like referring to future possibilities like, “If we’re cuddling on the couch…” or things like that. I got freaked out it seemed like he was desperate and clingy and investing way too much in a few messages and phone calls, so I stopped answering. And he’d keep calling, or IM’ing me, or messaging me. He’d call first thing in the morning when I logged onto AIM or OKCupid. That seemed a little stalkerish, calling the moment he saw me online.
So I told him I didn’t want to meet, gave a vague description of why, and apologized for doing it via email instead of on the phone. I know that’s uncool, I just envisioned dramatic tears and Why???s and Please don’t go!!s.
Anyway, now he’s responded to my message and says I “misconstrued” things. That makes me mad, and I want to tell him exactly how clingy and desperate and uncool I think he is. But I shouldn’t, right? That’s like kicking puppies.
I’m just mad because he’s basically telling me I’m wrong when I know I’m not. “You did some things that made me uncomfortable and made me think we’re not compatible.” I can’t be wrong about that.
I’ve known people like this. The fact that he takes “I don’t want to talk to you” as an invitation for further discussion is a really bad sign. I don’t believe that anyone doing Internet dating is owed any kind of explanation for a turndown, not after two dates or two phone calls, and especially not for someone you’ve never even met. Part of the game is dealing with low-level rejection on a fairly constant basis. Ignore him and be thankful he doesn’t have any more information about you.
Ignore him. Responding will only encourage him to keep trying. If you respond after 10 emails, he will learn that all he has to do to get you to answer is email you 10 times. And he’ll do it. He’ll try to get you to feel sorry/responsible/whatever for him, anything to keep it going.
It’s not so much ‘kicking puppies’ as it is ‘dealing with someone who is close to stalkerdom.’
I agree with dangermom, responding now would just be encouraging persistence. Add his email address to your spam filter, or set his emails to bounce. You have given your reasons for ending contact, you are not responsible for whether or not he agrees with those reasons.
Yeah, he responded to my message (which states explicitly “I can’t continue talking to you”) by asking if we could be friends. I replied with “That would make me uncomfortable” and he comes back with the misconstruing.
Can I just go back to being disappointed by the lack of chemistry in person with guys who were awesome online and on the phone?
Yes, of course, it’s YOUR fault that your perception of him is not what it’s SUPPOSED to be. And it’s going to be your fault when you make him beat you.
This guy is bad news. He will not reach any sort of understanding about flaws in his attitude or behavior. He is potentially dangerous. Further communication will not achieve any goal that is beneficial to you. Run.
I’m going to disagree, Gary T. I don’t think he’s abusive, I think he’s just desperate and clingy. I remember one of the things he said during a conversation that raised a huge red flag for me. We were discussing previous dating FAILs, and mine were all pretty funny (I bet none of you have ever hit on a married guy only to be introduced to his wife the next minute… so you can compare tattoos), but his were all “I’m always the best friend, blah blah blah, never boyfriend material.”
Of course, when I suggested perhaps it was something about his attitude or his approach to life that was the problem, he absolutely refused to consider it. “I don’t want to change to get a girlfriend!!1!!!111”
That was the end for me. That’s all I want to do, is change and grow and become a better person, and it’s very important to me. Someone who can’t understand that they can grow as a person without changing who they are is not right for me. So I stopped answering and the semi-stalking started.
No, it’s neither kicking puppies (he won’t get it) nor giving him a bitch-slap (he won’t get it). It would only be a favor if he would actually process the information to evaluate and improve himself - but that won’t happen, because he won’t get it.
This guy has controlling, abusive stalker written all over him. Do not delude yourself in thinking that any sort of critique (or any sort of anything, for that matter) will change that. There is simply nothing to be gained by responding to him. There is perhaps something to be lost, should he get inspired to make every possible effort to learn RedRoses identity and somehow succeed.
Based solely on the OP’s description, I disagree. I know a couple guys who could easily be the OP’s correspondent and they are the farthest possible thing from abusive/controlling. In fact, a little more spine and willingness to say potentially uncomfortable things would be a positive thing in their cases.
But whether abusive stalker or spineless wimp, further interaction isn’t very likely to lead to anything good for Ms.Roses.
Oh, yeah, I had one of those when I was online dating. The guy was practically making wedding plans and we hadn’t even met yet. I chickened out and told him, uh, I had to break it off because he, uh, reminded my of my ex and it was just too painful. God, that’s humiliating to admit.
This is textbook stalking behavior… not sure what would keep it from being clearly over the line. The only appropriate response is to disengage completely, and not re-engage for any reason. Ever.
Ignore him. I once had an online personals stalker like that. He is sending up all kinds of red flags. The more you interact with him, the less he will respect your boundaries.
I would normally be one of the first to proclaim “batshit crazy/hypersensitive woman complaining about perfectly reasonable actions by a man”
However, assuming what you’ve said is remotely true, yeah, IMO, at best this guy has some serious issues, and at worst needs to be avoided like the plague.
I honestly don’t think that he sounds like the type to pose a physical threat. Just annoying. But I could be wrong, so stay on the safe side. Either way, the answer is clear: Make absolutely no more contact. Block him in whatever way you can.
