There now, RivkahChaya, don’t beat up on yourself. I’m glad to see you in this thread. Thank you for your kind hopes.
Sort of a middling week this time. I’m going on vacation next week, but my boss has been kind of snippy with me, so I have a vague feeling of dread. His mood may have nothing to do with me at all though. He can get grumpy. He has a freakin’ three day weekend starting tomorrow, so you’d think he’d be happier, but no.
Got no money for any vacation plans, so I have to be careful not to squander the time feeling gloomy or just sleeping all day. All in all, I’ve had better weeks.
My books are disappearing from the exchange stand, so at least it seems like I have good taste.
Another lifelong depression sufferer here. We’re both still here, so that’s a win.
As an odd suggestion: have you seen any of Joe Tracini’s videos? He suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder which involves strong suicidal compulsions, and he talks about how he feels and how he keeps himself from succumbing to those urges. It’s a surprisingly moving and funny narrative, and the underlying message is simply to remember to be kind to yourself.
@Gyrate thank you for posting that link to Joe Tracini’s videos. They sound interesting.
I went through something like this for decades when it came to my own trauma. I can talk about everything in this very matter of fact way, but talking about trauma is not the same as processing it, and therapists often miss that. In recent years, I’ve had very good luck with EMDR for processing trauma, and of course writing. I don’t journal, I just write fiction and it all gets sorted somehow. I’d be happy to tell you more about EMDR if you’re interested. I would describe it as a total game changer.
Is that the eye-movement thing? I had a brief session with that, and honestly, was not impressed. Admittedly, it was far too short to have a real effect on me.
Yes. The EMDR therapist I’m working with now has given me months of preparation with what she calls resourcing, which is essentially equipping me to call on my own strengths when the ride gets rough. I think too many therapists just start with the bilateral stimulation with very little foundational work. It’s hard to say what happened (or didn’t) without knowing your specific experience. It takes a while to really get through everything.
Maybe all that preliminary work with “resources” is what does the bulk of the healing.
Well, I’ve done it with very short resourcing periods to good effect. This is my fourth round of EMDR, but also the most difficult because of what we are facing. EMDR in my opinion is most likely an altered state of consciousness. One of the prevailing theories is that it uses working memory as a distraction to process traumatic memory in the background, which seems plausible to me and there is preliminary evidence to support that theory. But EMDR is a strange beast. It’s been proven countless times to work in randomized controlled trials, but nobody is sure why it works. The first time I tried it, I quit almost immediately and dismissed it as woo. I didn’t take it up again until ten years later and the thought was, at that point, why the hell not? I’ve tried everything else. Well, it helps a lot. Besides prolonged exposure therapy, it’s the only thing that ever has.
I’m bumping this thread to report that I went to the doctor today. No real problems, just the yearly stuff. And I’ve lost 13 pounds.
But I wasn’t trying to lose weight.
I can afford to lose the poundage. I’m still overweight. But I’m a bit concerned because I think it has to do with skipping meals because I just don’t feel like bothering. Especially over my vacation before Thanksgiving. And also the Thanksgiving holidays.
The doctor suggested trying another therapist. I hope it won’t cost too much. Money is really tight for me. Really, I can’t remember it not being tight.
I ordered a full meal from Grubhub tonight. Pork Chops and Greek Potatoes.
I’m glad that you got dinner, and that you’re trying a new therapist. Have you tried TalkSpace or one of the other online agencies? I think they have a wide range of payment options, so you may be able to find someone that isn’t out of budget.
Sending good energy.
I’ve been there a bit earlier this fall. It’s okay to eat only two meals a day but please be sure they are nutritionally balanced, especially making sure you get your veggies at this time of year. The difficult part about that is that fresh veggies can be expensive, depending on where you live and the time of year. But I’ve learned that the food I eat can really make a difference as to whether I have energy or feel blah and unlikely to do anything. So as much as I love junk food and tend to reach for it the moment I notice a downturn in my attitude (like as happens every damn November), I run right out and get some veggie stir fry or salad. Only then can I eat pizza or a couple of cookies.