My wife told me today that she intends to go back to Japan and live with her mother. I don’t think she’s coming back.
As hard as this would be alone, what tears me apart is that she is she’s pregnant with our twin girls. We already have one daughter and I can’t bear to think about what this is going to do to her. When I asked my wife about it she looked at me and said “You can keep “April” (not her real name), and I’ll take the twins. Like we were discussing who would get the china and who would get the television.
On the one hand I can’t believe she could be so cold and ruthless. On the other it should come as no shock to me. Over the years she’s shown the ability to be absolutely indifferent to the pain she’s caused and often to enjoy it. She’s done things for the sheer pleasure of seeing the pain on our faces when she later tells us about it.
And I still can’t bear to see her go. It will destroy my daughter. I know she’ll never recover. I don’t think my wife really likes to be a mother. She uses it as a weapon. The thing that horrifies me most is the thought of my twin girls under her care without me to protect them and reassure them.
I don’t know what to do. I have until Saturday to talk her out of it but I’m honestly not sure I can or even should.
I never knew it was possible to be this upset or feel this bad.
Isn’t there some kind of court order you can get to stop her from leaving the state with your (soon-to-be) kids? Its like a temporary order of custody, I think. I’ve heard of them in other states, but I’m not sure of Illinois law.
Dopers?
Regardless of that, you should call a lawyer right away.
I know this is faint consolation for you, mate, but you and your daughters are probably far better off without her. A mother who is as manipulative and contriving as you describe your wife is a worse parent than none at all; and while difficult, I think that, with some help (like Big Brothers/Sisters, if you’ve no close family), a single parent can still do a good job of raising a healthy and happy child. It need not “destroy” your daughter–especially if the mother is as poisonous as you indicate anyway.
I don’t know what else to offer, other than to hang in there and do the best you can for your children and yourself.
I would really not have a problem with her leaving if it were just our one daughter. It’s the twins I worried about most. They’re due any week now.
The problem is that I can’t for the life of me figure out how to stop her from getting on a plane this Saturday. One week is not long enough to prove she intends to deprive me of my parental rights. Once they’re born here I can always present my case in front of a judge.
Also during the few times I’ve been to Japan to visit her family, the absolutely poisonous relationship she has with her own mother has been an ominous sign of what her relationship with her children would be like if she’s living at her parents house.
I’ll probably get down on my knees and eat a mile of shit from now until Saturday because I just can’t let those two innocent unborn girls grow up like that.
Contact her doctor and the airlines immediately! How on earth can a woman that far along get on a plane?! My sister couldn’t fly after 30 weeks and that was with a single. If twins are due so soon, her doctor and/or the airlines may prevent her from flying.
Contact an attorney immediately. You need to keep her in the states for the birth of the twins. When I wanted to get my daughter a passport about 3 years ago, I found out that BOTH parents have to sign unless there is a court order allowing only one to sign. I don’t know how it is in Japan. If she travels to Japan and gives birth there, it could create a whole mess of problems. Explain to the attorney what you have posted here: You fear her flying to Japan with no intentions of returning.
Contact a lawyer ASAP. It may be you can get a temporary restraining order or somesuch. Possibly you could claim she is knowingly taking the risk of possibly harming her children by flying so close to the due date?
There is no reciprocal agreement with Japan about child custody - once she is there you will not have any legal measures to get your kids back. The Japanese law will not support a foreign custody order.
I second telling the airlines that she is so pregnant, too. And as a temporary measure do anything you can to get her to agree to stay for a while longer while you get the twins born and have more chance to talk.
If all else fails, and she does get on the plane, under no circumstances let your older daughter go with her.
This is one thing I already thought of. I have my daughter’s passport and I’m NOT giving it back. Sadly enough it may turn out to be the one piece of leverage that keeps her here - I feel like a true looser and wretch using my daughter in this capacity.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I think there’s a law office in Chicago that specializes in fathers rights. I’ll be calling them first thing in the morning.
Might it be worth considering hiding your daughter’s passport somewhere other than your home? Yes, I’m being cynical, I suppose, but I simply don’t know if your wife would grab the passport while you were out.
What a horrible situation. I do hope you can work something out.
Dude, why is this in the Pit? I think you picked the wrong place.
Your situation sounds pretty fucked up; I really can’t imagine what you feel like right now. I’d say try to keep your chin up, since it sounds like she gets part of her enjoyment out of yanking around your emotions. Good luck, other than the “contact a lawyer” thing, I don’t have a lot of advice, but you have my sympathy and best hopes.
P.S. If anyone tries to bash this guy because this is in the Pit, they should be drawn and quartered.
I’m not your lawyer, you’re not my client, I’m not licensed in your jurisdiction and even if I were, I don’t know that area of the law.
First, familiarize yourself with the State Department’s webpage regarding international parental abduction. There’s some helpful information there, including information about registering your children with the State Department’s Passport Lockout Program.
Second, do call a lawyer first thing in the morning. If you are not transferred to the lawyer immediately (i.e., if the receptionist tells you that he is out), tell the receptionist it is an emergency and you need to speak with an attorney immediately because your wife has threatened to leave the country to return to her home country with your unborn children.
Explain the situation to the attorney as you have here. I suspect that your wife will not be able to leave the country because of her pregnancy; that will give you time to get your ducks in a row. I don’t do family law, so I’m not sure precisely what that will entail.
If it doesn’t work out with that lawyer, check out the Illinois Bar’s lawyer finder page. It has the phone number to their phone referral service, where you can call and ask for help and they’ll give you a referral to an attorney specializing in the area you need help with.
It seems so inadequate to say, but best of luck with this.
One more thing - I don’t think it’s possible to get the airline to actually allow a pregnant woman that far along in her pregnancy to fly. At least I’ve heard of the hoops that have been involved in getting a healthy (no known complications) 6 month along woman to fly, and all she had to prove before she could fly. I can’t imagine any airline wanting to take on a passenger for a 12 hour + flight when they know delivery is very possible.
And Get A Lawyer ASAP. Do not try to go this alone.
I worked for an attorney in my area and we specialized in this type of ugly interstate and international custody case. It’s complicated, and frustrating, and expensive, but with the right lawyer and the right moves, you might come out on top.
Definitely remove the passport from her reach. You might even do the same with your wife’s passport in a last-ditch effort, though I think the issue of her pregnancy might keep her grounded anyways.