I think that I've burnt out.... (Warning: This could get a bit whiny)

(Preface: This isn’t anything of any great importance, simply an examination of my current state of mind. It’s long, rambling, and boring. Feel free to move on if you wish.)

What can I say but I think I have burnt out. I’m only 21 and I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I think that is the best way to describe my situation right now. I just finished my fourth year of university, and I have two left, so perhaps this isn’t an entirely unexpected spot that I find myself in, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

It isn’t that I’m sick of school, it just that it seems that for the past year or two the primary emotion that I have felt is apathy. All other emotions have seemingly left for greener pastures. That isn’t to say I’m never happy, or sad, it’s just that those feeling are fleeting, and leave as quickly as they arrive. Most of the time, it’s just a general feeling of blasé.

I’m not sure why I should be feeling this way either. I have family, and a close support network of friends, whom I love dearly, so it’s not that I’m feeling alone. That last two years have not been the best of my life, so that may be part of it. My father and grandfather both had major strokes. My dad has recovered pretty much completely, while my grandfather is getting better every day. My other grandpa has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and he is currently on chemotherapy. Both my grandmothers have passed on during this time as well. My one grandmother died earlier this week actually, so that is contributing to my mood as I type this. I feel somewhat guilty though, as I do not mourn them as much as I feel I should. I do miss them, and I do feel saddened by their passing, but again, the feelings of apathy seem to crowd out most everything else.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. It’s not to be noticed or to garner sympathy. I think that it is more to just get it off of my chest, to air my metaphorical laundry, if you will. I should caution that despite all of this, I am not feeling suicidal. The quote that best summarizes what I am feeling is, paraphrased from my memory, “It is not death I fear, it is leaving something as beautiful as life.” I’m not sure of the author of this quote, but it is those beautiful moments that I live for. It seems to me that these moments are what makes life worth living. It is just that they seem fewer and far between lately. I suppose that this is the crux of the problem. The way that I feel can’t be traced back to anyone source, but rather it is an amalgam of things, so no quick fixes are easily worked. This is simply a stage that I must get through. I know things shall get better, but I’m getting sick of hurrying up and waiting.

I suppose the best medicine would be to just get away from it all. I’m not sure why I don’t take this route. It seems that the logistics involved are insurmountable, but I imagine that is only a construct of my present state of mind. I don’t want to drop everything and leave simply because the rational part of my brain says not to. I really have no reason to stay. I have two years of school left, and I have friends here, but both will still be here when I get back. I don’t own a house, I don’t have kids, I’m not in a relationship, and I’m not in any sort of career path. I think I stay because I’m familiar with my surroundings, and to leave that familiarity scares me.

Well, perhaps this mood shall pass soon, and perhaps I shall have the answers that I’m looking for.

Until then, I’ll think I’ll have another cigarette.

Sweetie, it sounds like you’re depressed. It sucks, but it can be dealt with. Yup, I’m another one of those annoying “better living through chemistry” types. I finally went onto antidepressants three years ago and it was lifechanging – no, it turns out I’m not just phlegmatic, and no, my life doesn’t have to go along at a constant low level of suckiness. Antidepressants didn’t turn me into some horrifying Doris Day monster of perkiness – they just allow me to be myself without the ten pound weights of depression around my ankles.

Does you school have a counseling center? Go talk to someone. Please. You don’t have to walk through life in this haze of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, ennui. It’s brain chemistry. It can be straightened out.

Hang in there – it sounds like you’re going through a legitimately tough time with death and disease in your family. Feel free to vent here – but I strongly encourage you to find someone to talk to IRL also.

{{{{{EmperorPenguin}}}}}

And if, like me, you have a strong aversion to anti-depressants, you can make that choice, too. It means more time feeling like you do right now, in all likelihood, and probably more work with a counsellor or therapist, but remember that you have options here, and you can make it work.

Maybe just having one truly intense emotional experience could shake you loose… like that Dave Matthews song. Run out in to the rain and let the tears splash all over you.

I know it probably doesn’t count for much in your estimation at this moment, but I’m hoping for the best for you.

LC

If it’s any consilation, I am going through it now, I’ve been like a dormant volcano waiting to explode, I felt that everything about me was wrong, I was tired I am upset by the way I live my life, I still think I cater for everyone elses needs, plus on LJ there is this really annoying couple on my friends list who always put me down cause they are so in love…and I’m sick of t.v cause they are either having a good time and there’s never anything good on, I’m sick of not being able to find my type of girl whist everyone else can <eugh>… and most of all I’m sick of people looking at me all the time, like I’m some sort of idiot, who looks ten years old, but has the intellect of someone much older, I’m also sick of people not being able to relate to me rather than the other way round. Why can’t someone be interested in me, it’s been the other way round all my life.
well thats my rant and presentation of how I am going through the same thing…
Good luck mate we both need it, I have been through that same feeling of apathy and neediness, and I don’t want advice on how “it’ll all get better in the end” I know that some people are trying to cheer me up, but I need physical proof that it will, and something that I can do to completely alter my view of existance.

Well, I tried to reply a few minutes ago, but the hamsters ate it. :frowning:

Anyway, I second the suggestion to go to your school counseling center if they have one, or if you have private insurance see if you can get a few visits with someone, to at least figure out if what you have going on is just a normal case of the blahs or something that might need a bit of support, chemical or otherwise. It’s ridiculous for people to suffer these days with all the wonderful chemical assistance they’ve come up with that targets the brain chemistry so well.

And I’m sorry for all the family problems you’ve been having, and sorry about your grandmother’s recent death – that’s always tough, and I’m sure hasn’t helped how you feel any.

And last but definitely not least, do NOT kick yourself for not feeling how you think you “should” feel in reaction to things. You’re setting yourself up for guaranteed failure that way, because feelings are unpredictable and no two people feel or react the same way to something. How you’re feeling is totally valid and acceptable, and trying to make yourself feel guilty for not feeling something else is just compounding your misery!

Hang in there, it really can change and improve.

Well, thank you everybody for you replies. It is much appreciated. I have been thinking lately about going to see my doctor. The biggest problem I’ve been having is that this is really cutting into the quality of both my schoolwork, and regular work. I haven’t flunked any courses yet, but I have come close. I live in Canada, so I’m not sure how much is actually covered, but I don’t think money will be a big issue. As far as antidepressants go, I’m not really afraid of them, or of them clouding my brain, or any other such scenario. I think honestly the real reason I’m not on the already is simply that it always seemed like to much work to actually get them. Of course, I realize that that is pretty much a textbook description of how depression is self-reinforcing problem, and my goal is to talk to someone before I go back to school. Over the course of the summer, I just plan to get my stuff together, and figure out where I’m supposed to be, life wise.

As I said before, I have people who I can talk about this as well. In all reality, that has been the one thing giving me the most strength thus far. Sometimes though, it is nice just to be able to organize your thoughts semi-coherently as spout off to no one in particular. I’m actually feeling quite a bit better today. Thank you for listening.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking that, and the more that time goes on I figure that it is less and less likely to occur. Still, it would be wonderful if it did, and heck, who knows what tomorrow will bring, right?

Ryan, I know only too well how you feel. I’m not sure what I can offer in terms of advice or consolation, but I’ve been told it will get better, and I know that it will soon enough. Is it possible for you to take a small vacation just by yourself? I know when I was really feeling down, as in on the brink of a complete nervous breakdown, I just rented a cabin on a lake about three hours away, and just sat on the porch for a week just thinking. Nobody bothering me, no TV or internet to distract me. It really did allow me to put things in some semblance of order. It’s not a foolproof plan, and it may not work for you, but it does provide some temporary stability.

Thanks mate, but I am 17, i’ll take your advice though mate, thanks…