(Preface: This isn’t anything of any great importance, simply an examination of my current state of mind. It’s long, rambling, and boring. Feel free to move on if you wish.)
What can I say but I think I have burnt out. I’m only 21 and I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I think that is the best way to describe my situation right now. I just finished my fourth year of university, and I have two left, so perhaps this isn’t an entirely unexpected spot that I find myself in, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
It isn’t that I’m sick of school, it just that it seems that for the past year or two the primary emotion that I have felt is apathy. All other emotions have seemingly left for greener pastures. That isn’t to say I’m never happy, or sad, it’s just that those feeling are fleeting, and leave as quickly as they arrive. Most of the time, it’s just a general feeling of blasé.
I’m not sure why I should be feeling this way either. I have family, and a close support network of friends, whom I love dearly, so it’s not that I’m feeling alone. That last two years have not been the best of my life, so that may be part of it. My father and grandfather both had major strokes. My dad has recovered pretty much completely, while my grandfather is getting better every day. My other grandpa has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and he is currently on chemotherapy. Both my grandmothers have passed on during this time as well. My one grandmother died earlier this week actually, so that is contributing to my mood as I type this. I feel somewhat guilty though, as I do not mourn them as much as I feel I should. I do miss them, and I do feel saddened by their passing, but again, the feelings of apathy seem to crowd out most everything else.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. It’s not to be noticed or to garner sympathy. I think that it is more to just get it off of my chest, to air my metaphorical laundry, if you will. I should caution that despite all of this, I am not feeling suicidal. The quote that best summarizes what I am feeling is, paraphrased from my memory, “It is not death I fear, it is leaving something as beautiful as life.” I’m not sure of the author of this quote, but it is those beautiful moments that I live for. It seems to me that these moments are what makes life worth living. It is just that they seem fewer and far between lately. I suppose that this is the crux of the problem. The way that I feel can’t be traced back to anyone source, but rather it is an amalgam of things, so no quick fixes are easily worked. This is simply a stage that I must get through. I know things shall get better, but I’m getting sick of hurrying up and waiting.
I suppose the best medicine would be to just get away from it all. I’m not sure why I don’t take this route. It seems that the logistics involved are insurmountable, but I imagine that is only a construct of my present state of mind. I don’t want to drop everything and leave simply because the rational part of my brain says not to. I really have no reason to stay. I have two years of school left, and I have friends here, but both will still be here when I get back. I don’t own a house, I don’t have kids, I’m not in a relationship, and I’m not in any sort of career path. I think I stay because I’m familiar with my surroundings, and to leave that familiarity scares me.
Well, perhaps this mood shall pass soon, and perhaps I shall have the answers that I’m looking for.
Until then, I’ll think I’ll have another cigarette.