I’m sitting here, it’s 2 o’ clock in the morning, and I have this sudden, undeniably powerful craving for the tasty zest of mayonnaise. I do have a jar of mayo in the fridge, but such is the cruel deck fate has dealt me that I lack anything even remotely suitable to spread it on.
Yes, I have admittedly considered eating some straight out of the jar but that would be a bit crude even for me, and I don’t feel it would satisfy me in the way it would on a nice slice of bread or (now I’m really dreaming here, as I have no meat or cheese either) a well mayo’d sandwich.
Now I know what it feels like to have the blues. Maybe I’ll write a song about it…
*(standard blues progression)
It’s 2 o’clock in the mornin’
I got a mighty strong cravin’
No it ain’t that I’m hornin’
And my bills don’t need payin’
Oh no no no no no I got the - mayonnaise blues
Yes them unforgivin’ suckers the mayonnaise blues
Now listen to me mayo
What I ever do ta you?
On my bacon lettuce tomato
You always fit like a shoe
But now ya done and left me
Without a thing to put you on
So I’m goin’ to bed hungry
While you refrigerate all hours of the morn’
Yes Lord it hurts me, but I’m tellin’ ya it’s true
I got them unforgivin’ suckers the mayonnaise blues*
Ah, well being male I also am only used to either eating, sleeping, or sticking my penis in things so you’ll have to excuse my ignorance. Anyway, while you’re mailing me things can you mail me some bread, meat (roast beef is preferable), and cheese please?
Oh, that’s very sweet of you. I didn’t even ask for the knife.
I’m afraid it won’t matter much though, as my new plan is to make millions by selling blues songs about everyday situations such as this one. Then I will always be well-stocked with the necessary components for a sandwich with mayo, and I’ll never need to sing the blues again. I guess at that point I’ll go hip-hop.
You can have your mayonnaise. Ugh. I loathe that crap. Even on BLTs. I’ll take some strong mustard instead, thank you very much.
Fortunately most of friends feel the same way. In fact, at one point we invented a code phrase: “The mayonnaise is really good here.” This meant “I’m in big trouble. Come and get me the hell out.”
Now don’t forget to get yourself bread, meat and cheese as as you can, Rigamarole, and enjoy it.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard mayo be described as having a ‘tangy zerst.’ Mayo is balnd, boring, and practically tasteless. I know you’ll decry me as a heathen, but Miracle Whip does actually have a tangy zest. Mayo does not.
Oh and it’s interesting that you mention the zest in MW vs. mayo - I grew up on MW, even though I generally eat mayo now, but I tend to blend them together in my head as virtually the same product, even though MW is certainly zestier.
carnivorous plant: I take it back.
You got the condiment blues.
Very nice, carnivorousplant, I added some more:
I woke up this mornin’
All my mayonnaise was gone.
I woke up this mornin’
All my mayonnaise was gone.
Nothin’ left but Miracle Whip
In my old Fridgidaire.
I say there’s nothin left but Miracle Whip
In my old Frigidaire
Cause my woman took my Hellman’s away,
And left my bread done bare
Honey I wish you took my money
and left my mayonnaise alone.
I wish you took all my money,
And left my mayonnaise alone,
A good gal don’t take the condiments
Slap off my black cat bone.
(Alternative: A good gal don’t take the mayo jar
Out of a happy home.)
You know I got some real bad habits baby,
but the one I’m going to lose is you.
(I heard the above on satellite radio while aligning a dish towards a Canadian sattelite.
Haven’t been able to find the song despite asking on the Dope.)
But Dude, get a life.
Miracle Whip sucks. It Middle Class, TV dinner, School Cafeteria Sucks.
Put some egg yolks, olive oil, a clove of garlic and some lemon juice in the blender.
I could eat a brick with that on it.
But I digress.
Mayonaisse (however you spell it) was invented by a Chef to celebrate one of Napoleon’s victories. I like to think that it is the same Chef who, having served his new Hollandaise sauce and was asked for a doggie bag by the Emperor, went to his tent and shot himself.
