I was just kicked out of a Meetup group.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, so I join this hiking group yesterday. I love hiking, especially the social aspect of it, and so I joined this one group.

I was looking through a group of photos from a recent meetup of this group and saw this very attractive female in several of the photos.

So, I want to find out who this female is because I want to meet her, right. I email the organizer of the group and ask him the name of the female in the photo.

This organizer becomes very very concerned. These are his words verbatim:

"That’s not the purpose of this group, nor is there any cause for me to invade her privacy by giving her name to a complete stranger. You find a picture of someone with whom you have no connection, and so you decide to pursue extraneous means, without her permission, in the hopes of getting her contact info. Quite simply, that’s the definition of stalking. Not going to happen.

If I had met you on a dozen hikes and knew you quite well, it might be different. But to join a group and, within a day, contact the organizer and ask for an invasion of internet privacy is a very odd thing. Don’t do it again."

So I write back that I understood how he would find the question inappropriate, since he did not know me at all, but then I made a reference to how Tom Cruise met Nicole Kidman, and about how he had seen her in a movie and had wanted to meet her, got her contact info, and they met.

He writes back that he felt the comparison “absurd”, and that he found my question “creepy”, and added “I have no room for that in my group”.

I write back that I did not find the comparison absurd at all, and that I never expressed any malice or threats.

This is where it really gets interesting. Here is his answer:

"I was in the process of writing a slightly — but only slightly — more tolerant email to you, when your most recent email arrived. The woman in question is quite offended and concerned, and asked me to assure her that you would not ever be present on a hike she attends. And now, you feel compelled to argue with me about whether you behaved inappropriately. Look, pal, you can think what you want, but let me assure you that NO organizer on Meetup would find your “ooh, who’s that girl, let’s see, how can I get her email address?” style to be appropriate.

Given your latest email, you have now offended me, too. I was going to give you one more chance, but you just used it up. I don’t have room for you in my group. The sanctity of my events means far too much to me.

Unfortunately, therefore, I will remove you from the group as soon as I send this. Find another hiking group, and I strongly encourage you to find some social grace as well. The fact that you don’t understand what it is that you did wrong is more disconcerting than the act itself."

So my question to you all out there. Was what I did so wrong? I only saw a person whom I was attracted to, and wanted to find out her name.

This isn’t stalking. Stalking begins when there is a communication that your behavior is unwanted.

Any input will be appreciated.

2

Good for him. A normal person would have just waited to introduce himself on a hike. Tom Cruise a good-looking, worth millions, and a public figure. He is absolutely right that the comparison is absurd.

3

Yes.

4

Cisco - So what I did was so wrong that you feel it was a fair thing to do? I mean I was just inquiring about who she was.

Is that so wrong?

Please educate me. I’m not a stalker, nor a criminal. I just wanted to meet this girl.

5

I don’t know if it’s stalking, per se, but it is creepy. That doesn’t mean necessarily mean you’re creepy, but the act itself does seem creepy.

Just to make sure I understand fully: you emailed someone you don’t know, to find out the name of a woman who you don’t know, then engaged said person in a conversation about why you are right.

Even if it’s not wrong, you can’t fault the organizer for not divulging any information about her. He has no idea who you are, what your motives are, and what you intend to do with the information. And regardless if you conveyed any of that information, he doesn’t know how truthful it is, and to what level you may use that information.

When he stated “If I had met you on a dozen hikes and knew you quite well, it might be different,” he’s quite right. And that’s what you really should have done: Joined the group, gone on some hikes, and try to communicate with the woman in the photo during said activity.

Also, the Tom Cruise analogy doesn’t really hold. For one, he’s a celebrity–there’s not much he can get away with without it becoming public. Anyone who he is interested in meeting is already at least aware of who he is. And secondly, despite this, he’s still a bit of a creeper, so that doesn’t really help your case.

ETA: Dammit, and Cisco just said everything I did in far fewer words…

6

You’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking, “Is what I did creepy?” To which the answer is: Yes.

7

The tables have turned! I’ve always wanted to be the one who does that.

8

I’d have booted you from the group too. Your admitted behavior reeks of creepiness and desperation. What you should have done was just gone on the hike, get to know the members of the group, and otherwise behave in non-potential serial killer fashion.

Or, simply put—everything you did was the opposite of what you should have done.

9

Yeah, that was very creepy.

Funny, because you were on the right track to meet people who you may become interested in, but you skipped the whole getting to know them part. There are things that may seem cute in fiction, but creep people out in real life. This is one of them.

10

If someone wants contact information the person to be contacted must give consent before the information is given out, the organizer was absolutely correct.

You could easily have met this girl by going hiking.

11

You should post the original email you sent him about the girl-- I notice you left the text of that email out.

12

Why didn’t you just look through the members of the group, find the person who looked like the woman in the photo and post a greeting? Or better yet, gone on a hike first, then done that.

13

Falling Leaves- I tried to find her, but couldn’t find her on the list.

Thanks for the input all. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. Sometimes I just have no common sense. It’s one of my weaknesses.

God, I hope this has no far reaching repercussions on my other hiking groups. Do you think he’ll raise the alarm with the other groups.

Should I write an apology email to him? I do see the light now.

14

If you would of played it cool you might of met her. But this group is about enjoying the hobby of hiking with other like minded individuals not trying to find out the identity of women your attracted to.

Yeah, just a little creepy.

15

I got creeped out by reading your post. Why use the term ‘female’ and not ‘woman’?

16

Ditto what everyone else said. Protocol would dictate that you ‘innocently’ join the group, go on some hikes and start chatting her up and see where it goes. If it works out, great, you can tell her someday about your real reasons for joining the group. If it doesn’t work out, no big deal. Keep hanging out with them or find a new group, no one will care one way or the other. What you did belongs, very appropriately, on a dating site.

17

Another side of this is that the group leader really does have some responsibility for protecting (for lack of a better word) the other members.

If I was a member of a hiking group and some dude wanted to join and emailed the leader to get info on me before he had even gone on a single hike I would be freaked out and ask that the guy not be allowed to join. If he was allowed to join, future hikes would be awkward and a lot less fun and I’d probably start looking around for another group right away.

So he had a choice, lose you or lose a current member in good standing.

18

It’s a Meetup group, not a Hookup group.

19

Totally creepy. If you’re just looking for a hookup, try match.com or one of the dozens of other sites.

20

I think you were probably okay up until the point where you said, “So I write back that I understood how he would find the question inappropriate, since he did not know me at all, but then I made a reference to how Tom Cruise met Nicole Kidman, and about how he had seen her in a movie and had wanted to meet her, got her contact info, and they met.”

The part in bold. You were good with the apology, then spoilt it.