Should I meet up with this guy or not?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, I’m sort of confused, so I’m asking you to please help me out here.

There’s this guy (let’s call him Neil, not his real name) who I’ve been talking to on ICQ for about the past six months or so. He lives around my area. We’ve had good chats so far, and he regards me as a real friend, as opposed to just an online one. I don’t know if I’d go THAT far in my estimation of him, but he’s certainly a friend. We’ve slowly gotten to know each other, and have talked about a lot of personal things.

Recently, it has come to my attention that he’d like to meet me. Now, he’s a nice guy, but I’m aware that you need to be careful when going about this kind of thing. I won’t have to fear that he’ll make any unwanted advances towards me (I hope), as he’s got an interest in someone else that he met on ICQ. (but has yet to meet in real life; she lives in Oregon) He says that even if he didn’t have this interest in this person, he’d never do that kind of thing, since I’ve made it clear that I have no interest in it, and he respects that.

Of course, in the past, I’ve apparently made it clear to him that I didn’t want to meet online people. That’s not strictly true (fear not, I shall go to a Dopefest eventually :wink: ), but I’ve never done it before in my life. I’m fully aware that people have met online friends in real life, and it works out well. Sometimes it doesn’t, though. Not that I’m dwelling on the negative aspect here, but sometimes you just never know.

Neil wants to “solidify our friendship out of the online realm, and into the real-life realm.” That I can accept, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for it yet. He says he won’t pressure me (and he hasn’t), and I’m grateful for it. It’s just that I’m so nervous at the prospect of an event which MIGHT happen, I wonder what’ll happen were it actually to take place. :eek:

There’s nothing that my intuition is telling me is hokey or anything like that: I guess I’m just maybe a wee bit too paranoid. Going out as friends is the way that we want to go about this, after all. If it doesn’t work out, then at least I’ve learned something. Why I’m discussing this so much when I’m not even sure that I want to meet the guy, I don’t know.

Not that I don’t think it would be a good idea… it would be, but maybe just not now. However, I’m leaning about 50-50 on whether to actually say something to him like: “Okay, let’s meet! When and where?” Not because I think he’s pressuring me or anything like that, but because I’ve thought about it and realized that it would be a new experience for me, at least. (Neil says he’s met 15 online friends, and he considers me to be a better friend than most of them)

I know you can’t answer the question of whether I should indeed meet him or not, but maybe you can give me some advice.

F_X

2

Well, I’ve met a few online friends before, and it’s really no big deal. However, I would recommend meeting in a public place, with plenty of people around. A nice social atmosphere, and all that. Suggest that you’d like to meet him, and let him know that you’ll be bringing a few friends along. Go hang out and eat dinner as a group, maybe go to a movie or arcade or something. Just drag some friends along, and make it seem like a social arrangement, so noone gets the wrong idea.

3

Good idea from TheOtherOne. You could also ask for a phone number and chat offline first before you decide to meet, as you would do with any online friend, male or female.

This makes me wonder:
“Neil says he’s met 15 online friends, and he considers me to be a better friend than most of them” - he’s most likely said that to everyone else of the 15? Or maybe I’m just too cynical… :wink: Or maybe he’s finally been lucky and found a “decent” friend in you.

I’m not sure that the length of time you’ve been conversing is particularly relevant here? It’s possible to let your guard down and think you know someone after a few years and they can still suprise you and let you down, but I think this is true regardless of how people initially make contact.

4

I would go for it, FlamX. I’ve met two people from my group of online friends (both women also, so it wasn’t too freaky) and it just brings it much closer. It makes things more real, if that makes sense.

Just be sure to go with that group outing thing and I’m sure you won’t regret it. Keep us updated.

5

Yeah, do it. Just be sensible about it and it should be fine.

6

I second everything that’s been said. Adding to what carodin said, webcamming with him first might be a good alternative.

I’ve only met two ICQ friends online. They were in my year level at another school. It never occured to me that they were lying, since the topic of homework and exams popped up quite frequently.

They were great guys, and we became really close. We introduced our friends to each other, and eventually became one big happy group. And then one night at a party, they introduced me to a friend of theirs, who is now my boyfriend of almost two years. :smiley:

7

Um, did that set off warning alarms for anybody else???
If this man actually wrote those words, do not meet him. Too cheesy not to be a pick up line…

8

Have to agree with spooje that this is a bad pick-up line, but I don’t think it’s a reason not to meet him. I say sure, pick a crowded public place, take a couple friends, and so on. And if it comes to time later on to see him alone, tell people where you’ll be and when you’ll be back.

Then again, if you’ve picked up on any kind of strange vibe from him, tell him you think you’ve got a great relationship as is, but in person you’re a raging, shrieking harpy and you’d rather keep this on the up and up. Then send him a “before” picture from a weight-loss ad and tell him it’s you.

Of course, I’m biased, because I want to meet Flamsterette myself…

9

If you want to meet him, just wait for a time when a bunch of your normal friends are heading out to do something and invite him along.

10

Perhaps I’m just dense, but what exactly is it you’re afraid might happen? Kidnap? Murder? “It uses the lotion or it gets the hose”?
Dire consequences can be avoided by common sense. Public places during daylight hours are good, telling people where you’re going and who you’re meeting are good, choosing the time and place yourself are good.

Or are you concerned that you’ll meet him in real life and he’ll be some boorish and slavering sex fiend? If that’s the case, well, wouldn’t you rather know now, rather than have a long online friendship based entirely on his desire to get into your pants?

Or are you concerned that you’ll meet him, and you just won’t like him as much as you do online? Well…them’s the breaks. If you see no benefit to “solidifying your friendship” then don’t bother to meet him.

11

Thanks for giving me advice, guys.

To TheOtherOne and everyone else who said to meet him in a public place with plenty of people around (with friends, etc.): if this happens, I would plan on doing that. Chatting offline first would be a good idea, and if we were to meet in person, that would be something I’d think about doing, in any case.

carodin: don’t worry about coming across as too cynical or jaded. This whole suggestion made me nervous and skeptical anyways, so I must admit I was thinking something similar. :wink: Probably something like, “Yeah right! He can’t possibly say that about me… bet he’s said it to a bunch of others, as well.”

LolaBaby, it would be perhaps less nerve-wracking for me if it were another woman, but I’d probably still be a bit nervous. It’s not like I think that he’s going to be too freaky, but then again, you never know. More likely than not, he’s going to be a nice, normal sort of guy. But I still have to worry about this sort of thing… if I didn’t, I’d think that I had to. (if that makes sense)

I know what you mean about it being more real… not that I’ve ever met anyone online in person before. The relationship (of being friends only) between the two of us will be more tangible if we take it beyond the impersonal computer screen, and into real life. Definitely would enhance whatever friendship you have, and make it closer, as you’ve said.

TheLoadedDog, don’t worry: I’m trying to be as sensible as I can be over this matter. If I wasn’t being sensible, would I be asking for everyone’s input? No, I’d be more likely to impulsively rush into things without advice and things of that sort. (and I’ve been known to be impulsive before, so…)

jackelope, I’m not getting any kind of weird vibe from him just yet, so I suppose that’s a good thing. :slight_smile: Thanks for the idea; I think I’ll add on to it: “I’m a raging, shrieking harpy in person… especially during certain times of the month…” And as for the “before” picture from the weight-loss ad, I already need to lose some weight as it is. However, I’m sure I could find even worse pictures than what I look like. :wink:

Sengkelat, I don’t think he’ll turn into some raving sex maniac, or be a murderer or kidnapper. It’s not like he’s Robert Glass and I’m Sharon Lopatka, after all. (definitely nothing like that!) That said, I know I have to exercise caution, which is why I’m asking for your advice and input. And of course I’d rather find out about any perversions now, instead of later.

I’ll keep you all updated. :slight_smile:

F_X

12

When I posted almost the exact same thread on Una, I got great advice, which I will take into consideration. (and probably use, too) Scotticher mentioned inviting him to the Vancouver Dopefest. I did talk to him about the fest, and no go. This is part of what he had to say about that:

This is his idea of what the conversations will be like:

And as for my meeting people at the Vancouver Dopefest, I’m totally cool with that. Maybe a little nervous, truth be told, but that’s all right.

Now, as for meeting him in a group, I’d definitely do that. (or at least have one or two people dragged along as moral support) It’s funny that I’m feeling more comfortable with the idea now. Maybe it’s because I want to get it over with, or to provide a more-or-less timely update to you all. :wink: Or maybe it’s just a temporary feeling, and it’ll pass within days. Anyways, that’s your update. :slight_smile:

13

Flamsterette_X,

Meetings like this are one of the things that make me very happy about the resurgence of coffee places.

Agree to meet for Coffee/Tea/beverage of choice at a coffee shop that’s somewhere between the two of you.

You’re not committed to the time investment of a full meal if you do end up getting a wierd vibe, yet, you’re able to take as much time drinking your coffee and chatting if you end up getting a good vibe.

Do have something scheduled later. Make sure he knows you have something scheduled later.

That’d be my two cents. :wink:

14

Absolutely but I would also arrange to call someone at a certain time who knows where you were going who can call the cops if you don’t or if you have a cell phone ask them to call you. That gives you safety and a possible out if you need one “my friend has gone into labour, I need to go look after her kids” or something equally pressing if you don’t like the guy.

Listen to your instincts, if bells start ringing don’t fight them, run.

Do all that and in public and there really is little to fear.

Oh, and have a good time!

:stuck_out_tongue:

15

…And make sure that that something is a visit to a friend’s house, not some public place. I’m probably just being paranoid here, but IMHO a moment of paranoia beats a lifetime of regret.

Also, like Thyclacine said about the friend.

16

If you’re not comfortable doing it, then don’t.

What seems a little odd to me is that Neil has personally met 15 people or so that he’s met online and considers to be friends. And now he has you and the woman in Oregon that he wants to meet.

I dunno, is this normal? I can see one or two – maybe even a handful, but 15? I don’t have time in my day to nurture 5 new relationships, let alone 17. That to me sounds like he’s searching for something or perhaps someone.

I’m admittedly old-fashioned, though, Flam. I’ve never met anyone IRL that I’ve met first electronically. (Not ruling out a future Doper meeting though.) But I suppose there’d be no harm as long as you took the advice that others have given you about meeting in a public place with other people.

FWIW, my advice is to follow your gut.

17

Thanks for the advice, guys. I really appreciate it. :slight_smile:

He says that the woman in Oregon isn’t quite his girlfriend, but neither is she “just a friend,” if you know what I mean. In the past, he’s said things about his last girlfriend, who he also met online. That sort of concerns me. Not that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with online relationships and such (look at all the Doper marriages and that!), but it makes me wonder if he could sustain a relationship in real life. (I’m definitely not looking for one, of course, but still…)

If I were to do this, I’d definitely pick a public place with lots of people around, bring at least one or two friends, make sure I have prior engagements somewhere else, and all of that. Right now, I’m not sure when I’ll do this… maybe sometime this summer. (maximum hours of daylight, right?) Besides, I might narrow it down even further to when my friend goes to China… she says she’ll let me use her cell, since she won’t be using it. Guess I’ll see what happens.

F_X

18

Flam: If you’re going to take friends, I recommend that one be male. Anytime that I’ve met someone(s) off the Net, I took my ex boyfriend (who is now my best friend) along. I took him with me to meet Simetra, and I also took him to Bamadope I, and he liked it so much he became a member of these boards.

It’s just a thought.

19

Bring some mace, hopefully you wont need it. I would strongly recommend the group thing, as many other posters have pointed out.

20

I’ve met three people from online before, not counting dopers.

Fell in love with one, thought everything was actually going to work out, then she moved to Arizona. :frowning:

One night stand (well, ok, we didn’t leave the hotel room for two days)

Seriously regretted the third. She was everyhing IRL that I didn’t like, no matter how cool she was in chat and on the phone (yeah, even on the phone!).

Maybe I am lucky by being male, but I don’t really worry about the threat of physical violence. I’m just more worried about being disappointed. The best advice has already been given… take it from phones for a month or so to a public place for a specific event like lunch (and end it after lunch… no open-ended contracts!!!) for a time or two to get your bearings.

If he is cool then this shouldn’t present any sort of problem, and if he isn’t it never gets out of hand and you can cut it off whenever.

Most important: have fun! If you put yourself in safe situations it is easier to concentrate on what kind of chap he is… which is why you are there in the first place, right?