The only people I have met from online have been Dopers.
Yep, I’m a geek or in the Mystical Clique :rolleyes:
All except for one have been very nice, sweet people. One has assclown moments but then again, so do I.
My rule has been “meet in public, in groups if possible”
Flamsterette_X go for it 
Your obviously a sensible person and will take reasonable precautions. Don’t let fear of the unknown make you miss out on a new friendship. Perhaps you could take him out for Bubble Tea
And hey – let us know how it went.
I’ve been online ever since Prodigy was around, and I’d say I’ve met 200+ people. Most were because of romantic and/or sexual interest, but I’ve also met people in person just to be friends.
I once went to Pennsylvania for a weekend, for a gathering of Camaro/Firebird owners from thirdgen.org. We got to meet each other in person and talk about our hobby; it was great fun.
I’ve met some people after weeks or months of conversation; others, within just a couple of hours after first chatting online. Sometimes we’d meet in public places with friends; others, alone and at night. I’ve never went to meet anyone without at least briefly talking to them on the phone first.
I’ve met some great people, some okay people, and some uninteresting people, but never anyone threatening or scary. But I’m male, and mostly was meeting females; things may be different if it’s the other way around.
Here are some things I’ve learned from my experiences:
Don’t pre-plan how long you’ll spend together on the first meeting. If you agree to dinner, a movie, and ice cream and a walk in the park afterward, you could get stuck spending an entire evening with someone you don’t much like. I just arrange for us to simply meet, and then decide from there how long to stay.
If you bring your entire entourage with you, your new friend will feel overwhelmed, and stimulating conversation will be difficult. One or two trusted friends should be enough to keep you safe, but keep your new friend comfortable. In any event, make sure your friends will welcome the new guy into whatever conversation you’re having.
Make it a casual, spur-of-the moment thing. And something that’s conducive to a short visit. “My friend and I are going to the mall this afternoon to pick up a few things; why don’t you stop by and meet us there?” is a pretty good approach. If the guy seems disturbed, you spend five minutes with him in the food court, and then go home. If you like him, hang out awhile.
I would always arrange for a friend to call my cell phone about twenty minutes into the meeting, telling me about some fabricated emergency he had. I could use the “emergency” as an excuse to leave, or I could simply tell my friend he’d have to wait. This was a useful safety procedure, but it mainly served as an escape route from uninteresting people.
Don’t act like a total fool, but also be sure not to point out that you have safeguards in place. Mistrust isn’t a good foot to start out on.
And remember, he’s just a guy, a regular guy. He happens to own a computer and a modem, and he knows how to type. Big deal. I don’t think computer ownership makes anyone more predisposed to being a psycho kidnapper rapist or something. Treat him the same way you’d treat a guy in any other setting.
Ain’t that the truth. Its sad how sometimes people who converse through the internet get characterised as “scary” - yet are we all not those people?
Well said Chris Luongo.
This might sound very disjointed and rambling, so please excuse that effect.
Well, I have decided not to meet with him after all. Also, I have deicded to block his email address, and place him on my ICQ ignore list. I can’t say that it was meritorious actions on his part that made me react like this, either. 
His real name isn’t Neil, either… it’s Shae. I can tell you that much, at least. (as I don’t care if he comes across this at some point in time)
Lately, he’s been hinting that he really regards me as a real friend, and not just an online friend. I knew about this before (see my OP), but didn’t think that he’d ask me about how I felt about him. Come to think of it, I should have anticipated such a question, but I didn’t. :smack:
My feelings for him were less strong (even in “friendship”) than his for me apparently were. He wasn’t about to regard me as more than a friend, which was fine with me. I didn’t really regard him as a real friend, not exactly because I couldn’t really see him in person and know what he was like in real life. I guess it was because I preferred to keep my distance from him, especially given that we live so close to one another. (that is, if he was telling me the truth about where he lived, and I believe he was)
Last night, he asked me point-blank whether I thought of him as a friend. (after I’d typed something in the wrong window – his – and told him that I’d meant it for a friend of mine, not him) I can’t remember whether I gave him an actual answer. If I did, it was something along the lines of, “Yes, to a certain extent.”
For some reason, I’d always been uncomfortable with his many assertions that we were friends and knew each other. That was true, but only to a certain extent. I think I ultimately only wanted to take the relationship so far, and he said he respected that.
He said that communication in relationships was key, and that mine weren’t likely to last very long if I didn’t communicate. Who died and made him the relationship guru? I didn’t really feel like being talked to in that way at all. He may have been trying to be nice about it, but frankly, at that point, I was past seeing niceties.
So then after he got that answer, he told me to forget it, since I didn’t see the point he was trying to make. I tried telling him that it was definitely typed in the wrong window, and just because I said that it was to a friend of mine, didn’t mean he had to be so oversensitive and assume that he wasn’t a friend of mine.
You know those multiple-choice questions with a choice of answers like “strongly agree,” “somewhat agree,” “undecided / neutral,” “disagree somewhat,” and “strongly disagree”? That was the first thing I thought of when he asked me today whether he was really a friend to me. I couldn’t commit to an unqualified “yes” answer, and was unwilling to say a flat-out “no.” Instead, I told him that he was “somewhat” of a friend to me. That was as far as I was willing to go, and still tell the truth.
I asked him what his point of yesterday had been, since I at least wanted to know before I really did forget about any relationship we might have. Also, I told him that I hoped we could end it relatively painlessly and without much recrimination or acrimony. (maybe that was a mistake on my part, but it’s done now) Besides, nobody tells me I don’t get the point without at least a bit of civil explanation! (though I didn’t tell him that)
He didn’t much like that at all, telling me that his point had been to simply ask me what was wrong when he mentioned my being out of sorts. In that case, why not ask the question straight-out? “What’s wrong?” will probably get you further than “You seem out-of-sorts today.” If the latter is followed by something like: “Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?” then you will be even more likely to get an answer, even if it’s of the “I don’t want to talk about it just now” variety.
Then he followed it up by telling me that he’d always considered me a friend, yet I always treated him like shit. That would most definitely be his perspective, not mine. I admit that there were times when I made mistakes and treated him worse than I probably should have, but there are mistakes made in every human interaction. Besides, I wouldn’t say I always treated him like shit, scum, etc. No, indeed! I always tried to treat him as I would want to be treated; with respect and dignity foremost overall. (that’s the way I always try to treat people, unless they’re really high on my hate list :p)
After that, he decided to take issue with my always correcting his spelling, and then my supposedly claiming I was only helping so I could say I was helpful to people, when I wasn’t really being helpful. For the record, I have NEVER made such a claim in my life. I know that sometimes I correct people’s spelling way more often than I need to, really. However, I always try to do it as humorously as possible, or at least in a nice loving manner. It’s not that I’m perfect at spelling or anything; far from it. But I did NOT always correct his spelling!
Yes, I like to think I’m helpful to people, but don’t you dare tell me I’m not being helpful… or at least not in that way. You ever heard of constructive criticism? Besides, I like to know people appreciate my help, and not just throw it back in my face. He even called me a nag because of it, and said he didn’t like nagging people. I don’t suffer nags gladly either, but I don’t personally think I’m a nag. Nobody has ever called me that before in my life, though there’s a first time for everything, I guess.
So then I replied with a LOT of heat and vitriol, commenting on much of what I’ve already told you here. I absolutely do my level best not to treat people like shit unless they somehow deserve it in some way, I told him. I was not an expert in relationships, and I certainly didn’t take him as such, either. (not that you need professional credentials and/or a lot of experience to be a relationship expert, but I didn’t really see him as such)
Also, I added that if he made any cracks about my spelling and/or grammar, he was hereby given to understand that I would look upon him with extreme disfavor. (like I wasn’t already?) Finally, I added what one of my other online friends told me some time ago when I was complaining about him: “Whoa… that dude is too moody for the Internet. I don’t really get into emotional things over this medium (ICQ). If you want to keep things light, you can. If you want to talk about the in-depth nature of your day, you can. That’s the beauty of the Internet. By the way, tell him that he needs to get a life. :P”
Not only did I tell him all the above, but I also told him that I hoped he found some real-life relationships soon. (nothing at all wrong with Internet relationships and marriages, but you know how it is when you’re sort of hurt and will lash out at what you perceive to be the other’s weaknesses)
After that, I really didn’t expect a response, which was a good thing. I determined to block his address, and set him to “ignore” on my ICQ list. Not that I think he’s going to (cyber)stalk me or anything, but you can never be too careful. I’m just happy I never told him anything that could let him know where I was, specifically. (or my phone number, or any other identifying personal info) Hopefully, that will be the last I hear from that guy.
It’s not that he was getting too weird or anything, but I simply didn’t feel comfortable with his bold assertions of real friendship. (tried to tell him that too, without success) All I ever wanted to do was just have a fun relationship, without any expectations that you would really put on a real-life friend. Maybe, in the end, his sort of asking me to meet was too much pressure on me (though he said he wouldn’t rush it), and I subconciously knew it, but never realized it till now.
Regrets and stuff? I’m not going to say that I don’t have any. However, I wish that we’d been able to work things out better without resorting to a bunch of name-calling and stuff at the end. I could have handled certain things a little differently, but then so could he have. (in my opinion) Guess it’ll teach me a lesson not to correspond with people who live so close to me that it infringes on my comfort zone. (my friends and Dopers excluded, of course :D)
That is all I have to say on this subject. Thank you for your time, and congratulations if you made it to the end of this long post.
F_X