Advice

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ok, ok, so you don’t know me or anything about me, and I don’t have to listen to you but PLEASE will someone give me a little advice on the following issue?

Part 1:
I’ve just ended a really crappy year-long relationship in which the guy went from being the most independent person I know to acting like I was his mommy. He moved in with me and became totally dependent on me. I became extremely depressed several months ago and was hospitalized briefly. Now I’ve made my mind up finally to leave this guy, even though he is now getting threatening and scary.

Part 2:
Anne, my one female friend who has known me since babyhood, wants me to share a great townhouse with her. The move would be very good for me because it would be closer to the city, closer to work [I had moved to a scary rural town in KANSAS to be closer to the scary boyfriend even though it was not in my best interests] and will be less expensive, thus allowing me to save quite a bit of $$ so that I can concentrate on school and work and save for travel. All of my common sense is telling me to do this.

BUT then we have part 3:
For the past 6 months I’ve been heavily corresponding with a guy, yes, on the net, who is running a small company which he hopes to get funded for in the next few months. He’s in Australia now but wants me to meet him in San Francisco or Victoria, BC next month. We’ve talked extensively about our mutual needs, interests, life plans, etc, and are really in alignment in every way imaginable. His plans are such that, if I don’t meet him in mid-October, he will have to go on without me and we most likely will not meet at all.

The dilemma? Everyone who knows me [i.e. family, friends, co-workers] are going to be dead-set against me doing this. Money will be VERY tight, but I can see it happening. I’ve long believed that when a person really believes in doing something he can overcome any obstacles in his way. But I’ve never actually put that theory to practice in my own life. Meeting this guy and being with him is all I want to do, but it means letting my friend Anne down [she is already making plans for us to move in together] and it means i have to sell my car, a bunch of my possessions, and move out of my apartment AND make sure my parents don’t have me committed before mid-October.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

http://www.homestead.com/allusions/allusions.html

2

This is a really interesting dilemma. I have a few more questions.

  1. Are you just meeting him next month, or moving with him? If you’re just meeting him, I say go for it. If you are entering an instant-cohabitation thing, I would probably not advise that.

  2. Are you sticking with the current boyfriend until you make up your mind? Does he know any of these things that are going on?

  3. You say your family is totally against meeting/moving in with the internet man. Do they like the current boyfriend? Have you explained to them how important and special you think the new guy is? I ask because I am involved in a similar situation, and my family couldn’t be happier for me.

3

Maybe I’m missing something here, but wouldn’t it be a good idea to just meet the guy for a weekend or something before making a decision to move out to be with him? I know 4 people who have found their better halves on the internet…and many more who thought they had, but had not. I’m not questioning your connection, it’s just that it’s very hard to know without meeting in person.

Re: moving in with your friend…that can be similarly fraught. Have you lived with her before? Are you sure you will get along? If time is really tight, and you want to leave your options open, maybe you should decide now to not live with her, so she can find someone else.

One last thought: the hell with what your family will think. I am trying hard to practice what I’m preaching here–I know it is hard. But it’s YOUR life.

At least your life is interesting! Best of luck, and feel free to ignore these comments.

4

As far as your NetBoy goes, I don’t really understand why you have to comply with a deadline (mid-October). I mean, if it’s not possible, then it’s not possible, right? If you two are as well-matched as you say, then it seems ridiculous that, should you pass up the opportunity to meet him in October, you’ll never be able to meet him at all.

If the October thing is just a meeting, nothing more, I don’t see any reason not to do it. However, you should let someone know what you’re doing, who you’re with, etc., just in case.

It’s ludicrous for anyone to expect you to make major life changes in the space of a month.

Have you committed to moving in with Anne? You really should discuss this with her. Granted, her opinion will be biased since she wants you to live with her, but she has a right to know that you’re considering other options.

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

5

I’ll try to answer the questions in order. And also say that I did leave out a bunch of other trivial details that add to my crazy life, like the 3 jobs, 18 college hours, the marriage proposal from a man AND a woman in houston, the guy from Toronto who showed up in Kansas City convinced we were soul mates after talking for 1 week… it could go on.

So I am wary of these internet romances. This is not my first.

to answer the questions though:

  1. We are planning on being roommates, with no strings or romantic ideas attached yet. We both want to cohabitate to save money, and both want to not involve any romance until we are both sure. The basic plan is to live in Victoria, BC [which is one of my dream places to live] or San Fran for the next 9 months or so, then assuming we get funding for the site, take a world trip in mid-2000.

  2. No, regardless of ANYTHING the relationship with the scary boyfriend is over. I’ve broken up with him 4 times in the last 3 months and each time is a little harder but my mind is made up. Staying with him will kill me.

  3. My family is also against the scary current boyfriend. He was wrong right from the start, and everyone but I knew that at the time. I haven’t told my family about the new guy really, but did tell them I wanted to move out West, to which I got a chilly response.

eden’s questions

  1. Neither the guy or I are interested in ‘just meeting’ for a few days. I’m ready for a change and so is he.

  2. I’ve not lived with the friend before, but she did stay with me once for about a month when I lived in a tiny apartment and we got along fabulously. I’m not worried about that situation, if I do decide to stay we’ll be great together.

  3. you’re right. To hell with what they say. I’ve always preached that to others, but never actually followed through with it.

I don’t want to be some bitter person who looks back on my life in 15 or 20 years and says “if only”…

http://www.homestead.com/allusions/allusions.html

6

I’m not a huge risk-taker anymore, but I think moving away from the jerk boyfriend is the very best thing you could possibly do for yourself. I had a boyfriend who was remarkably similar to that, and ended up in a situation very much like yours, including hospitalization for depression. Get away from that guy, ASAP.

As for where you move, either with the friend or the guy, I can’t really give you much advice there, except to do what you feel is best for you. As other posters have said, it IS your life, and the only one you really need to make happy right now is YOU.

7

Oh, boy, I second Cristi: get away from dependent-man. I saw a situation similar to this develop with a girlfriend of mine; her ex ended up stalking her and she had to get a restraining order. The guy is standing in HER yard, yelling “Why can’t you just leave me alone!” as the police come to take him away. I was frightened for her: a girl I knew in grad school was killed by her ex-boyfriend in my dorm. I take this stuff seriously. Not to be unnecessarily paranoid, or anything.

8

not to worry, there is ZERO chance that my relationship with dependent-guy will continue, regardless of my other decisions.

even if i TRIED to stay with him at this point, there is enough family around me who will literally kick my rear if i stay with him.

at times, when i was still very depressed, i strongly believed that it would be easier to kill myself than to stay with him. thank god i’m not in that frame of mind anymore. never been suicidal before and never will i be again. the whole thing with him is just beyond repair. i’m staying with Anne tonight, by the way, and he doesn’t know where she lives.

9

Officegirl, PLEASE do not move across the country to move in with a man you’ve never met! I’m all for you meeting him and spending a few days together… but give yourself an out. Even if there’s only a 10% chance that things won’t work out, what are you going to do in a strange city with no job and no money if things DON’T work out? And also thing about the small chance that he’s misrepresented himself… that you’ll move in with him and he’ll prove to be some sort of psycho. OfficeGirl, I’ve had that happen with people I know! Both me and one of my best girlfriends have had experiences where we’ve dated or been roommates with men who were in the same social circle as we were, everybody knew them, etc. etc. Seemed like a very low risk, but when we got in close situations with them, they turned out to be very, very scary.

I would question anyone who pressured me to move in with them, even as roommates, without meeting in person first. It’s just common sense. Why is this the only chance to be with him? If the connection between you and he is as strong as you say it is, then things will work out! There’s no hurry!

10

Real love does not place deadlines on people. Also, if you are just leaving a relationship that ended badly, you are in no shape (mentally or emotionally) to make good choices about someone new. Give yourself some down time and avoid the dreaded rebound relationship!

Also - San Francisco is VERY expensive, and jobs can be hard to find. Lots of people want to live here, so there’s a lot of competition. A CHEAP apartment in a borderline safe area will cost $800+ Keep that in mind, 'kay?

The reason gentlemen prefer blondes is that there are not enough redheads to go around.

11

Somehow I feel like I’m the only guy that’s checked in here.

Let’s see where we’re at (I know, preposition at the end of a sentence - sue me, I’m here to try and help you).

OK, current soon-to-be-flushed but sticky guy is not a question. Some awkward details, perhaps, but not a question.

OfficeGirl, I’m going to peg you as early to mid 20’s. Am I wrong? Might not make any difference. Anyway, the big decision you’re wrestling with appears to me to be what to do about the apparent opportunity associated with greyish plans with (as someone above christened him) NetBoy. The other alternative is not as fleeting. Anyway, it’s late and I’m tired so I’ll try to get to the point.

When I was younger I took many risks and overextended myself quite a bit to pursue relationships with women that I would now walk away from. This is not a guys v. gals observation; I’m merely observing that time and experience tends to convince all of us that certain degrees of risk are not worth it.

I still take risks, both w/my personal life as well as my professional life. In my work, I am a professional risk taker; there are many variants thereof. The point is, though, that unlike the risks I willingly pursued as a young man, now the risks I take are covered.

That doesn’t mean I can take them lightly - no, we need to make them work. But, if it all goes to hell in a handbasket, I’m going to be economically AND emotionally depressed, but I’m not moving to the local freeway underpass. I now take survivable risks. I hope I’m making my point…

So, if you and you’re new friend do the world tour and you wind up 14 months from now in Singapore with no passport and no money, what are you going to do?

Have a bail option in place and pursue the dreams of your heart.

I may sound like an old curmudgeon, but I say what I think about this.

Good luck, dear.

12

  1. Glad to hear you’re getting rid of current dude. He’s a waste of time. Be careful of him though! Sounds like he sees you as his meal-ticket.

  2. Do not move in with NetBoy. Just my opinion and here’s why:
    [ul]1. You’ve never actually met this person face-to-face. Yes, you’ve talked, written, sent pictures etc. HOWEVER, you’ve only seen him in an atmosphere that can be controlled. The evidence of body language when a person speaks, how they react in society, how they react to the unexpected, tells you an incredible amount that you cannot learn from writing etc.

  3. Ask yourself,“Why is he putting a deadline on me?”.

  4. This may seem like a cruel questions but ask yourself “If I didn’t have a sucky relationship with my current creepy soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, would I be as attracted to NetBoy?” What I’m saying is that maybe you’ve sought out a person who can give you what Current Creep does’t but who wouldn’t be a person you’d actually want to be with long-term if you were at a more emotionally objective point in your life. There’s nothing to prevent you from staying in contact with NetBoy and maybe going to visit but question his motives (unless I’ve read wrong) on why there is a deadline. He’s moving there anyway, right?

  5. Give yourself time to heal after the relationship ends with Current Creep. Emotional ties are not so easily severed as we think and sometimes it takes time being truly single and focusing on getting ourselves balanced to be really ready for a new relationship. Having a man/boyfriend/lover around isn’t the end-all/be-all in life.[/ul]

Good luck and BE CAREFUL!!

13

Well, for a quick update on the situation… the Scary Boyfriend is now to be known as Scary-Ex-Boyfriend-Who-Threatened-Suicide-Last-Night-and-is-Still-Living-with-me…

yep. Since the last post, I’ve pretty much decided that the West is it for me, regardless of how things turn out with so-called NetBoy [although that situation is indeed developing quite interestingly].

last night Scary-Ex-Boyfriend started a big argument/discussion with me and, after i tried to comfort him by saying i’d still be around here for the next month, he basically said… “well, when you leave so am i.” but he was talking about ending his life. first i took it as a shock tactic, and then as an empty threat as a ploy to get my sympathy, but now the way he’s talking is really very disturbing. he was very calm and is talking about leaving me all his money [of which there is a fairly substantial amount] and how this is really better for everyone.

god.

why do things like this have to happen?

OfficeGirl’s Cubicle Farm

“Argue for your limitations; sure enough, they’re yours.”

14

<Comforts OfficeGirl>

I’m so sorry this had to happen! Maybe you should let his family and friends know so they can get him some help. That way you’d still be removed from the situation and his desperate cing for help would not work.

I’m sorry your life is so hard recently.

I am also glad your Netboy situation is developing nicely (and interestingly). Best of luck!

Don’t let the loveless ones sell you a world wrapped in grey.

15

Stupid-Ex is a manipulator. Tell his family about his threats and then do what you want. You are not responsible for someone’s inability to deal with life. It sounds like you’ve been more than nice to him. Get rid of him-he’ll keep this crap up if you let him.

16

It’s time to move out, and I mean ASAP. Not next month, not next week, but today. The minute you’re home by yourself, grab a suitcase and anything that’s really important to you, and get thee to a hotel. If money is tight, go to a friend’s house, but don’t be surprised if he visits all your friends and asks about you. Whatever you do, you do not want to let him know where you’re staying.

People who threaten suicide usually don’t mean it. They use the threat as a means to control the other person. As you might expect, this is a sign of desperation, and often of mental instability. What’s worse, if the threat of suicide doesn’t work, many people will move on to the threat (and reality!) of physical violence. I repeat: go elsewhere right now.

Once you’re at a safe location, call someone who knows your roommate. Call his mother, or his friends, or the police if you can’t think of anyone else, and tell them that the guy threatened to kill himself. Let them decide how best to help him. You can’t do anything for him at this point, since you’re what he is obsessing about; if you stick around, then the threat has gotten him what he wants, and he’ll only do it again next time you try to leave.

Once again, you are in an unsafe situation. Remove yourself from it.

17

OfficeGirl, Stupid-Ex is trouble. You would be entirely within your rights to call the police. They take threats of suicide very seriously, since (as AuraSeer points out), many people will turn the suicide outward, in a manner of speaking.

The whole process may also cause him to spend an educational evening in the Psychiatric ER, where there’s at least a chance that he’ll get some help.

Whatever else you do, though, GET AWAY FROM HIM. He’s DANGEROUS. I was involved with a manipulative SOB like him for a while, and I got out with my skin intact. You need to do the same.

The Cat In The Hat

18

OfficeGirl, thanks for the note on the Guestbook.

‘Well, for a quick update on the situation… the Scary Boyfriend is now to be known
as
Scary-Ex-Boyfriend-Who-Threatened-Suicide-Last-Night-and-is-Still-Living-with-me…’
You sure know how to pick em, dear.

19

Get the hell out of there. Now. Today. Don’t go back in the house by yourself. Make sure the police are aware that he has threatened suicide and is making plans, and get them to come with you when you get your things.

This man is mentally unstable and his boundaries are dropping. Do not give a thought to whether he will kill himself or not; nothing he has done or will do is or can be your fault. Nothing.

You cannot take this too seriously.

Catrandom

20

Just to echo what the others have said.

  1. Leave. Now. You’ve already made up your mind you’re going to do it, so what benefit is there in hanging around even one more day? Besides, the situation is getting very unstable, so find a friend, find a relative, sleep in your car if you have to, but leve.

  2. Once you have gotten yourself out of a relationship that has gone to hell, don’t go diving back into a new relationship right away. Take a little time to get your emotional priorities right again, and go from there.