Group photos of hike get-togethers, not member profile photos. I’m sure they like to show happy hiking photos to promote the group.
And stalking! 
I’ve been a member of multiple hiking groups and they’re a great place for adventure, meeting friends, and meeting significant others. Having pictures of the members is helpful and normal. Group pictures that show a group of friendly people having a good time is encouraging. Seeing a group of people near your age range (or conversely all of a very different age range) would also help you decide if the groups for you. Also pictures are also away for hikers in the group to share their pictures with friends/members of the group.
I’ve gone on hikes that are aimed at single members and even for these, someone unknown to anyone asking about a picture of one attractive girl would be weird. On a singles hike people want to have a good time, socialize, and get to know potential dates. Many people go on the hike making friends but not finding any dating partners, some make dates. This is all in a process where they can get to know each other in a group situation and is appropriate. If someone comes on too strong the group can correct the transgressor’s behavior.
I see I put way too many words, but overall the message is that hiking, pictures of hiking, being attracted to others in the group is normal. Be part of the group be good to the people and you’ll have friends and likely dates. Cold calling the attractive checks is weird and won’t get you in good with anyone.
I disagree. He did exactly what any friend would and should do. It would have been out of line for him to keep it to himself. She should have right to know and decide for herself whether she wanted to spend time in the company of someone who had targeted her in this socially questionable manner.
There is a somewhat similar thread by the same person from 2 years ago (I had a look to get a bit more context, I hope thats not against forum rules).
It might be reading too much into too little, but it suggests someone who struggles with social cues and norms, who is genuinely trying to figure out whats going wrong. My suggestion would be to consider counselling rather than the internet to try and investigate these issues further. People tend to view things in writing more negatively than they might when meeting the person face to face.
Otara
I can’t believe some people think the OP’s behavior is okay. I just keep imagining how I would feel if I got a call one day from a guy who had seen my picture on the web somewhere and decided he wanted to ask me out. “Hey, you don’t know me, but I think you’re cute. I got your phone number from your friend. Want to have coffee?”
Pretty sure my reaction would be to hang up, block the number, and never talk to that so-called “friend” again.
I think he did exactly the right thing. Not only was the OP trying to gain personal info for someone he’d never met without even knowing if she’d be okay with that (or knowing anything at all about her), but when he was told “No” he refused to accept that answer gracefully. The group organizer had to tell him “No” what, three times? And then finally banned him? Yeah, I’d ban the fucker too.
Note that refusing to graciously accept a “No” as an answer is such a huge and well-known red flag that it’s prominently featured as something to watch out for in The Gift of Fear and in similar self-defense contexts.
Another vote for creepy as hell. If you wanted to meet her and talk to her, then go on a god damned hike and talk to group members (all of them, not just her) in person, since that was ostensibly why you joined the group in the first place.
As a point of reference, I did once have a “friend” give some guy she’d “met” on the internet my personal contact info. She did this with neither my knowledge or permission, and I only found out about it because some total stranger emailed me out of the blue – at my work/professional email address, through which he could easily have found my resume and phone number – to chat me up. I tore said “friend” a new one for that, and it ended our friendship. No, I never responded to Internet Stranger, either. If neither one of them can figure out that their approach was just all kinds of wrong and a complete breach of trust/privacy, I don’t want either to be a part of my life. It’s very clear that they have no sense of appropriate boundaries.
I was just looking at this [del]female menu[/del] Meetup website, and they have a bunch of odd groups for my city. There is a Cougar Club (not the tawny mountain kind), and a Queer Tarot Card Club. There is a club to meet people who are “Shy”; I’d go to that, but I wouldn’t know anyone, and would be afraid of saying something stupid. Hey look, there’s a One Night Stand Club (men only), by that I mean it’s for gay and bi men, not a coed program populated by people like the OP.
The OP should try to find a way to cross reference members of hiking clubs with the members of some of the other clubs that I’ve found.
I don’t know which is sadder. A listing for a hiking group without a picture (how many potential members is that going to attract, with no picture?? “Come join The Happy Wanderers” - do I have to guess how many people, what mix, what ages…I like a mystery as much as anyone, but…I’d pass on the Happy Wanderers with no photo) - or - an attractive women included in the group picture is now aware that there is some stalker-ish, socially inept type out there slobbering with desire to know her name, assumes she’s single and available, and just waiting for HIM to show up. Ugh. Sad, and yes, creepy.
I think you’re on point here. The OP seems eager to engage with people socially and engage in romantic relationships. I think it’s important for him to figure out his social problems, because all interactions between people are social interactions. I’d recommend printing out the OP from this thread and the makeup thread and showing them to a counselor to illustrate what kind of difficulties are occurring.
Wait, you’d skip a hiking group that didn’t show you pictures of members?
Please tell me I’ve misunderstood.
Went to my first Meetup group today. Whaddya know, met a really pretty girl, and we talked for awhile. I’ll see her at the followup meet on Wednesday.
Everyone wish me luck!
I can see why someone would say that, especially if it turned out that most of the members were much older or younger. It can be uncomfortable being the only young person with a bunch of older people, or being the only person in a group legal to drink.
Usually Meetup groups that are aimed at a certain age mention this in their profile, though.
Inspired by this thread, I went and looked at Meetup groups in my area. Nearly all of them are about dreams, or finding your inner goddess, or shamanic journeys. :dubious: Never mind.
Sicko.
As far as I can tell from the OP’s account, he did try to continue the argument, but I see no indication that he became snarky or abusive towards the group leader, just annoyingly persistent. We’re an anonymous message board and I realize that makes the circumstances different from a Meetup group. But regardless, I’m of the opinion that the OP’s violation was one act in total, and should have been handled as such (the initial slapdown). It isn’t right to treat the subsequent emails as so much additional rope with which to hang him. I’m saying this with the assumption that the OP’s second and third emails were not an attempt to change the group leader’s mind.
If the OP is indeed socially inept as has been suggested, his banning from the Meetup group comes across as if to say he’s not cool enough to be in the group. Maybe they had to put up with such unattractive people in their eighth grade history classes, but by God they can keep him out now. It would have been better to extract a promise to change from the OP, and then resort to banning if he failed to follow through.
Back to the question “professionalism” or lack thereof of the group organizer (sometimes it sucks to be 12 or so time zones away from most posters) … perhaps that wasn’t the best choice of words. I agree that he’s under no obligation to act the same way he would in the workplace, and if he wants to get all snotty with people he finds inappropriate, he’s free to do so. Moreover, I am sympathetic to his desire to protect the group from individuals who are waving a lot of red flags.
Still, I would never take his approach. I have a social version of the rule “don’t stick your dick in the crazy” - don’t engage in unnecessary arguments with strangers you are getting bad vibes from, just politely, but firmly and completely, disengage with as little interaction as necessary to get your message across. The group organizer clearly doesn’t follow that rule, and to me that suggests he may be a bit overly argumentative himself.
(That’s merely an observation, not an argument, since I would of course never engage in unnecessary arguments with total strangers over the Internet.)
What’s her phone number?
That’s a lot of effort to go through on the part of the organizer for some random guy on the internet. What’s the promise of a complete and total stranger worth? Can you rely on it to mean anything? Particularly since it’s already clear that he doesn’t respect “No” as an answer? I wouldn’t want to have to police the real-life meetings trying to figure out if this guy’s promise was legit or not, either. My loyalties lie with the people I already know and trust, and I can’t fault the organizer for feeling the same way. The cost/benefit ratio on such a promise just doesn’t make any sense.
It’s nothing about being cool or not, it’s about very clearly not respecting clearly-stated boundaries.
Someone upthread mentioned The Gift of Fear, and your policy is just what DeBecker recommends. He also doesn’t recommend having a male* act as spokesperson, because it may cause the stalker to think you’re being dominated and he has to save you from that. All the coordinator needed to do was give a short, matter-of-fact dismissal, then ignore any subsequent emails.
And to follow up on my earlier post, given the tone of his emails to the OP, I’m very open to the possibility that his warning to the female** was along the lines of “There’s a really dangerous, creepy guy stalking you; you’re in danger right now.” Perhaps not, but again, if he said “Some guy asked for your contact info; it’s probably nothing, but be on your toes,” she probably wouldn’t have gotten as upset as he claimed to the OP.
*Sorry, I didn’t feel like typing out “boyfriend, or male friend, or family member or whoever”. And yes, I realize I just did.
**Sue me. “Warning to the woman” sounds like a Lifetime movie title.
I’m confused by this. If I were the woman I would be pleased with the moderator’s actions. He kept her informed of someone acting inappropriately, possibly threateningly (from their perspective – who persistently asked for personal information about her and didn’t accept “No”). She knows the moderator has her back and will act firmly and consistently to fend off creeps. Why wouldn’t she feel more comfortable in that group now than before?
I don’t think this is necessarily true either. The email the OP quoted said, “The woman in question is quite offended and concerned, and asked me to assure her that you would not ever be present on a hike she attends.” I don’t read that as upset, necessarily – she is (rightfully IMO) concerned, and wants to make sure that the guy who had contacted the moderator three times at that point pestering him about her isn’t around to follow her around in the woods.