I was supposed to be the one in control, damnit!

So last night I decide to jump hubby for some good ol’ lovin’. For some reason, I decide I want to be in control that night, and do my best to leave him a quivering mass of jello. This is very unusual for me. Not the wanting to turn him into jello part, but the wanting to be in control. So everythings going great, I’m enjoying it, he doesn’t know up from down, and we’re still in foreplay. And then when I go to, uh, continue, he gets mad because I don’t want to go down on him! This makes me mad, because I’m supposed to be the one in control, and doing what I want. And so the night that started out so well ended up with us on opposite sides of the bed, trying to sleep without touching each other…

A stupid, lame rant, I know, but damnit, it pissed me off.

Remember though, ain’t no sex like make-up sex.

Someone needs to communicate better about sex. I hope you and he have a nice long honest chat to resolve this incident.

The cure for what ailes you is what matt_mcl said about improving the way you communicate about sex.

With a hearty portion of ** lieu **'s make up sex on the side.

Control is a funny thing, in a sexual context. My wife and I have been playing around with the idea of control of each other… she generally likes to be “controlled,” while I have been fairly neutral on it (I can go either way). Lately, however, I’ve really been warming up to the idea of being in control during sex. It’s fun, for me and for her, and I find that I get to better express (and act out) what I want, whether it’s what I want her to do to me, or what I want to do to her.

Just last week it reached it’s highest point so far… I was telling her specifically what to do, what not to do, where to go, and not giving her the option of saying “no.” Note here that we’ve talked about this before… this is something she likes, and she knows how to communicate to me if I need to stop. And if that happens, I do stop. This goes to my point.

In the above case, this was exactly what she needed/wanted. She was having a hard time (heh) getting aroused, due to a stressful week and lots of other concerns crashing in on her at the time. I clued into it at some point and simply took over. Though it wasn’t what I’d originally intended to do, it worked brilliantly and her response was almost instant; from distracted to active participant in about 15 seconds. She told me later that it was completely liberating for her at that moment, to give up the control of our sex to me. There are other times where she likes to be control, and still others where neither of us really “controls” the other.

The point of this is what I’ve learned about being “in control.” Really, even if you think you are, you’re not. You’re only in control because your partner is letting you be in control… and the same is true the other way. If your partner is controlling you, it’s only because you let him. And the moment that the person being controlled isn’t into what’s happening, it’s time to move on to something else that you both want to do.

Which is all a long way of saying that I agree entirely with matt_mcl said… you two need to have an honest talk about what happened between you. The reason I was able to clue into my wife’s need last week, and the reason I knew what she liked in the first place, was that we’ve had many such chats in the past. It sounds like, for you two, there was a communication breakdown that probably could have been easily solved, but ended instead with both of you frustrated and angry. I’ve been there, and it’s never fun.

I think the key is to not think about control as a lightswitch… it isn’t. Really, it’s just a tradeoff. He gives some control to you, or all of it, or none of it. You take control from him, or you give him a little. It’s a sort of game, and I’m finding it more and more fun to play. Don’t take it too seriosuly, though, or the game will end up getting in the way of the fun part.

And with all of that said, I find myself amazed that he would stop you. The times my wife has taken it upon herself to reduce me to a quivering mass of Jello (and she does, yes she does), I haven’t had the presence of mind to quibble about technique. I tend to enjoy whatever she’s doing, and the mystery of it can be the most fun part of all. I’m surprised he protested. :smiley:

But, do talk about it. And then, put what you talk about into practice, as soon as possible.

Well, we did talk (and even before I read the replies, honestly!) and I don’t think we got anywhere, really. He was frustrated because I didn’t do what he wanted. I told him that one of the main reasons I did what I did was because I wanted to do what felt good to me. He’s still kind of upset, and I’ve officially ended my career as a dominatrix!