You're SO in Denial about how controlling your husband is!

We were close in college, and you said that after we graduated, we could get togehter and hang out. Fast forward a few years.You had constant fishy excuses as to why we couldn’t get together, You never even invited me to the wedding claiming that it was only family and very small. (even thou after you had it you complained about how big and elaborate it was) When I came for a visit out to where you live (business at the college) you had constant odd excuses as to why I couldn’t crash with you. You claimed that there was something funky with your cellphone and you couldnt give me your number so we could talk just like the old days. Yet when I called you that time I came out to visit, the number I called had YOUR info on it! . Another friend witnessed your financee bringing home the leftovers from Subway and that.s all you could have to eat. You also told someone that your husband had to approve the shoes you bought, and the money you spent and all sorts of stuff. I finally talked to your mom…who agreed that there is something messed up. She talked to you the other day…and you just FLIPPED out at me.
I AM your friend…which is why I talked to your mom. You’re fooling yourself…Your husband is being extremely controlling and it/s redicious! You’re in denial…You KNOW it’s wrong the way your husband controls EVERYTHING! Don’t get mad at me for trying to help you! YOU’RE in DENIAL and YOU KNOW IT!!! You know people shouldn’t be controlling to this extent in realtionships…You freaking lost another friend…WAKE UP! George is just as bad as your ex who hit you AND ALSO controlled you…and I think you know it…and that’s why you were so upset at that annoymous lettter and my trying to help you!

I’m sorry about your friend. It seems that some people are like that. A long time ago I knew a woman who had a very controlling husband. She was fine when he wasn’t around, but when he was there she was very quiet and he was in complete control. She eventually divorced him, but the next guy she married was a somewhat lesser version of her first husband. He wasn’t as bad, but he was still controlling, and after seeing them together and hearing some of the things she said…things that sounded horrible to me, but were acceptable to her, I wondered how she could have married him, but I guess that’s what she was use to and comfortable with.

If I were prone to using quotes in signatures, this would be a good one.

It is strange to me-but some people like to cede control to others. Mostly it’s their own business.

Clap your hands.

Some women seek out over-controlling men.

This is what is called a “brush off.” You used to be close, but your friend found a new life, and new friends, and has moved on. It’s sad, but it happens all the time.

That should have been clue #2.

This should have been clue #3.

How old are you that you are still asking to crash at people’s homes? You’re not a college student anymore. If you weren’t close enough to her to be invited to her big, elaborate wedding, you’re not close enough to expect an invitation to stay in her home. And it is gauche to invite yourself. Hint: If you let people know that you’re coming into town, and no invitation is forthcoming, get a hotel room. That’s what adults do.

Are you sure your cousin’s husband’s friend is giving you the complete story? Because it all sounds like idle gossip to me.

Did it surprise you that your friend would flip out after you called her mother with your wild speculation and accusations?

No, you’re not. You’re a former friend, by your own account.

This may be true, but she clearly doesn’t want your help. The more you try and get involved, the more it is alienating her to you.

Hint: It’s not anonymous if everyone knows who sent it.

Listen, your friend may or may not be in a crappy marriage. Frankly, unless her life is in danger, it’s none of your business. Her life. Her choice. You’ve already butted in to her affairs at least twice, which is two times too many given the tenuous state of your friendship. Now it’s time to back off and leave her alone.

Maybe she doesn’t like you anymore? Sorry…

She’s just not that into you.

Speaking of being in denial…

This is not about you “helping” her. This isn’t about her at all. This is about ***you ***feeling abandoned and making up elaborate stories about why your “friend” isn’t your friend anymore. It can’t be because she’s just not interested. It ***must ***be because her evil husband is controlling her.

She’s not your friend. She’s not going to be your friend. Move on.

Well, let’s be fair. Possibly it’s a mix of the friend having a domineering husband and the OP being an insufferable twit.

Perhaps, but the clinical indications stay the same either way: write her off and move on.

This was the conclusion I drew. :slight_smile:

If I were the married friend, I would be extremely upset about:
a) Having friends gossiping about my husband bringing me a treat from subway.
b) Having a friend calling up MY Mom about MY relationship with MY husband.

I would feel that the friend would need to mind her own business and would stop returning calls.

If you really believe your friend is in an abusive relationship, the worst thing you can do is walk away from her. The second worst thing you can do is start meddling.

If you really do care about her, set aside your anger at being left out or forgotten and focus on being available to her. People in abusive relationships need friends who won’t judge them or push them, and if she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you, how can she possibly ask you for help if she ever decides to leave him?

Same conclusion. Move on.

Poor George. Between the huge wedding and his wife’s shopping addiction they are up to their ears in debt. When he finally discovered her maxed out credit cards, the only way to curb her spending was to insist on approving only purchases they need. Now their idea of luxurious dinner out is splitting a five-dollar foot-long at Subway.

Plus he’s probably experiencing a life of quiet desperation because he fantasizes about a threeway with his wife and her cute but overly-nosey friend and has no idea how to broach the subject.

I don’t think we can make any conclusions based on the evidence here. About all you can do, Weird, is let her know you’re there for her if she wants to get in touch with you, and leave it alone.

I’ve told my wife that she’s free to use me as an excuse to get out of whatever invitation she doesn’t feel like accepting—but now I wonder if her friends think I’m some kind of controlling ogre.

No, but we can speculate. And to me it seems like the OP’s friend no longer wants her friendship, she’s meddling when she shouldn’t. From what she’s said, the husband’s controlling nature is a lesser consideration here.

Let it go, AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet.

It happened to me with a good college buddy, too. I never found out why - I only realised he was avoiding me when I bumped into him in the street in my city, and discovered he had travelled there without telling me, several times in the previous year, when previously he’d always called me up and stayed in my house with his girlfriend. I was pretty hurt for a while about it, but eventually I wrote it off as “just one of those things”, and got on with my life. (Amazingly, he got back in touch recently, 10 years on - I guess whatever he didn’t like has also been forgotten - but I didn’t follow it up. Too much drama.)

When we’re younger, we think of our group of friends as an unassailable mountain. As we get older, we realise that our group of friends is more like a sand dune, and as we roll through the desert, we lose some behind us, and gain some more in front. Don’t mourn the ones who have left the dune. Just let them go.