I wish I could Pit MyFootsZZZ for sabotaging my efforts at happiness.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

want to make this a little like a ‘personal diary’ as possible, all I want to do is confess my flaws to a group of people in an attempt to fully realize they exist. I don’t mind if other poster take jabs at me, or say some ‘real sh*t’ with no regards to my feelings. My letting my “feelings” overwhelm me to the point of being afraid to live is the problem.

I know I’m narcissistic to think that anyone would care to read a thread about my personal problems, while their are people suffering right now. Although it’s not as if I don’t care about things outside of myself. In fact, it makes me even more depressed and scared. I know I don’t have it as bad as a lot of people out their, but I’m afraid to put anything ‘on the line’, because I’m wimpy. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to lose anything at this point of my life.

I have learning and emotional problems. I need to stop falling into the same patterns and learn how to overcome these things with regards to with women, work, and my ways of life. I’m trying to smile more. I’m trying to give more. I’m trying to be brave, and more productive. The problem is, if I mess up on something, I dwell on it instead of learning from it, and putting it behind me. I have the hardest time substituting my thoughts, (yes, I try to occupy myself as much as someone like me can). First I can’t stop thinking about a girl rejecting me after I asked her out, and when I do find something else to think about it’s about my friend’s father being wheel-chair bound, or my being broke. It’s like a slide show of misery.

The learning problems are particularly a problem, and contribute to the emotional self-worth aspect. I need to grow up. I need to light a fire under my ass. I need to better myself so I can act on being a better person.

Damn it, MyFootsZZZ!! STOP drowning me with your lingering unpleasantness. So I’m short… excusing me for existing!! You little wuss.

2

Sounds like you’re being a bit too hard on yourself. Other than that, if your thoughts are really bothering you, perhaps look into Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. It’s not just for people with major problems.

3

I second the therapy.

Think about how long you have been having these problems. After all that time what makes you think that you’ll be able to solve them on your own in the future?

If you have money or insurance schedule an appointment with a therapist right away. Nothing will happen to you if you see a therapist at least once. Just make sure it’s someone who is willing to help you through talk therapy before resorting to drugs.

Your problems might be small compared to what is going on with the rest of the world, but they aren’t small for you. The world will still suck whether you get help or not, so don’t worry about helping yourself.

4

Oh, I’m on meds, and see someone. I’m not trying to be hard on myself as much as I’m trying to change my mindset. I just implemented a something to my meds that I think is driving me to, (at least), want to change. Right now I’m cooking, and I normally don’t do that. There are changes, but I have to be patient. I most want to build social relationships/ get a girl maybe. But I’m so awkward and get tong-tied and nervous easily.

I’ve been messed up for as long as I can remember, so…

Thanks for the suggestions.
“Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy”, I looked this up on Wiki, but what methods do therapists use to change patterns?

5

You’re making progress. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Just try not to convince yourself that things will change in the future without you doing anything different to change them. These are usually mental problems that don’t go away if circumstances change. Even if you win the lottery you’ll still have relationship issues and you’ll still feel miserable.

Be honest with yourself about progress. If you are not making any then go see a different therapist.

There is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Support Thread you should check out.

Does your therapy have a talk therapy component to it? Or is it only questions about how well your meds are working? If it’s the latter, it can’t hurt to see a talk therapist as well. Ask the person you are seeing about CBT if you get interested. He or she can probably recommend someone.

6

It would sure be great at first; “Hey Kate! Look it’s cool that you didn’t want to go out for coffee. Though I’m really harmless, I’m sure you just don’t have the time for someone else in your life. But cheers to never having to listen to your vague summery’s of the problems you have come to me with, yet had no time to put them in the right context because I actually went to work to, you know, work and not talk!”

But you’re right, the fact that I’ve only been in one relationship before, (it’s hard to get your foot in the door when you have the self-assurance I lack), so I wouldn’t expect much a change there. I would probably get more chances for a bit.

Lakai
Thanks for motivating first line. I wanted people to understand that I’m not trying to make excusess, but show that I have been and I’m ***trying ***to see excusess I’ve made for myself, and patterns I lay out for myself, and actually change what’s not working.

As far as talking to someone, I did last week and “fired” her, and have another doctor in mind who see’s my brother and mother. It’s nice to have someone who knows the woman that’s been drilling these fears in my head since I was a kid. The woman may one day write a book on us alone.

My learning problems, I believe, are at the forefront of these problems. I have a basic part time job, and I am noticeably slow. Since work is CURRENTLY my only social outlet. I get self conscious about my Boss’s struggles, (he’s very accommodating – let’s me call him at home – but I’ve seen the look of frustration in his eyes, and I’ve seen them in the eyes of my parents and teachers). I get self conscious about people, (especially women, and younger people), seeing the struggles I face at work. I only work part time and get government help, which is hard to avoid mentioning with any females line of questioning of me if I show interest.

Learning problems are what’s keeping me from higher education. I tried three times, they were mostly art courses, and I got all A’s, but I had nervous breakdowns, and obsessively worked out my art. The few academic classes I did take were either pass-or-fail classes, (like basic math), or kiss my teacher’s ass, (like Intro to Theater). Theater was great, I loved reading old plays and writing about them, and I had professor with a big ‘presence’ and was fun to listen to… I just can’t remember dates and names. People who don’t know me push going back college on me, while people who know me best want to put me on welfare. Driving is difficult for me too… I have a GPS, and I still get flustered. Don’t drive on highways for the sake of other drivers, I don’t trust merging off ramps. There’s too much stimulation.

I’m a good conversationalist, not in written form, as you all can tell; I think in part my naivete allows me to help people who come to me with problems. I listen to them, and ask questions from time to time, then I repeat what they are getting in a very abridged, matter-of-fact way, (for conformation that all that I summed up was accurate). By that time the solution’s almost self evident. I don’t preach, but gently through out idea’s that should have been no-brainers to them. People come to me with advice about relationships… (I think a lot of them think I give good advice).

But up until, (maybe) now, I couldn’t help myself.

The biggest motivation for me to change is to find someone, but with my driving, meds, part-time job, government help, and my own standards in women that are as relaxed as they possibly can be. I know it’s a lot for a potential mate to try and live with while I know I’ll try very hard to hold up my end of the bargain. I just want to do anything I can to make things equal. I guess that’s why I’m a train wreck when I ask them out.

But enough… I’m off to work. So I can be productive.

7

One thing that might help: you say you have learning problems, but, if you hadn’t said anything, I don’t think anyone here would have noticed. You sound extremely intelligent, so whatever learning problems you have, you are doing a really good job of overcoming them.

8

Is it a specific learning disorder or just a general slow learning problem. If it’s something specific you could post here for help, sometimes you’ll find out that many other posters have the same problem.

Either way, I’ve known people who started their own businesses without being able to read and write much better than a third grader. These things aren’t hopeless.

Struggle does build empathy. I bet you’re also less judgmental than others, which also makes you easier to talk to.

9

Thank you BigT. Sometimes it’s difficult for people to understand that I do have problems upon limited exposure. It can be frustrating when people who have to, or would benefit from knowing the gravity of how hard some specific things are for me. Talking to me wont prove much, if anything. I understand big concepts, and for the most part, I’m a very visual person, so it helps when I can illustrate a picture. But as much as I’ve said about myself here, I would still be embarrassed to admit to everyone here some of the things I actually KNOW, that don’t know, but should.

It’s like everything I learn is a branch off of other things I know… (i.e. Who is Jey Leno? A guy on TV. What is a TV?). I didn’t layout as a much foundation as other kids, and the ‘trunk’ of these ‘learning trees’ aren’t very solid.

They said I was Dyslexic when I was ten. About two years ago I met with someone who said I wasn’t dyslexic, but probably something else. I didn’t get the testing because I couldn’t afford it. Plus the lady didn’t rub me the right way, (seemed too egar to prove she was right about me haveing what she thought I had), and I didn’t want to be stuck thinking I had some other problem that I really didn’t have for the rest of my life. It’s just that there are a lot of things in which I’ve said to myself; “That sounds like me”.

I’ve met people who’ve been told they have something that I didn’t dismiss, but I still question the authenticity of it. Best example is a friend I have who was told he’s dyslexic, I told him I thought he had a mild form of autism, he got re-tested by someone else, and it turns out I was right. It wasn’t Aspergers like I originally thought, it was some form of PDD.

That and it’s easier to tell people you’re dyslexic. I wonder if it’s worth it to know what I really have at this point. I also asked my shrinks, because I wonder if the learning disability and depression and anxiety aren’t part of the same problem. Kindergarten I would cry AT LEAST once a day, and it was clear to the teacher that I had a very hard time learning new things. I was held back a year. But my shrinks advised me to go to someone who specializes in disabilities. I do take Ritalin, (along with a complete breakfast serving of other pills),

These stories blow my mind. Like I said, maybe it’s my drive that’s lacking, (I’m working on it).

My brother’s the opposite of me. He’s “mensa material” with an MBA and a degree in Computer Engineering and Political Science. He knows how to present ideas to me, and we often get into deep discussion. He’s a huge part of my life, and helped to teach me scrutinize things people say, including himself. There’s a levity when we talk about theological stuff, and there are times I trip him up in logical thinking. That’s why I come here. I know where I can go for scrutinized info, not that I take posters words at face value. I think people know that I try to keep an open mind, and even change my oppinion or admit I’m wrong.

I can read well. My comprehension level is high. But it takes me hours to compose posts like this one, and the first one, (which I’m still not happy with, and probably will find a lot of things I could have said better in this message too). Numbers are the hardest thing for me to deal with. I come in an hour early to work when I have to count inventory, calculator in hand.

The time it takes me to do some of these things get in the way of my getting things done.