I'd like to die now, please (really lame and self-pitying)

The BBQ Pit
1

My life started off OK, really.

Then I moved to Vegas, that allegedly golden city where the streets are paved with good-paying jobs.

After leaving a job at a tux shop where I enjoyed working, but was cut to part time, I took a full time job at a 7-11 near me, and was fired after one day for being “slow on the cash register”. Corporate policy is that you train a new employee for three days, but never mind, this is Vegas. Rules don’t apply here.

So I went to dealing school and became a craps dealer. Also learned blackjack. After breaking in, I moved on to a reasonably good paying job downtown. Frequently received praise for my good work, especially for giving great customer service (this place had extremely high standards of customer service, BTW, so this was a big deal. Stayed there for two years, then moved on to a better paying job). Would have stayed, but they were trying to make me into a floorman, and I really just wanted to deal craps. Lasted a month at new job. Was fired over vague complaints that basically amounted to “we don’t like female craps dealers here.” Went through a string of jobs I can’t even count. Experienced “89 Day Wonders”, in which casinos hire warm bodies, then fire them just before they become eligible for insurance. Finally landed a job where I lasted over a year. Was fired for no apparent reason. Even my pit boss didn’t know why I was being fired- he came in one day and there was a note on the podium.

So, now I work at Wal-Mart. Eighteen hours a week right now, because with school, I can only work three days a week, and with my (still undiagnosed- you try dealing with the doctors in this town) bad back, if I work more than six hours a shift, I wind up crawling out the door, and calling in sick frightening amounts of days. So, I turn in a doctor’s note saying I can only work six hours a shift, and management still keeps scheduling me for eight. I have asked, asked, begged, to be transferred to another department because being rooted to the cash register is ten times harder on my back than being in a positon where I could move around a bit. Nope, no openings. Never mind the fact that all the departments are short-handed and screaming for help, especially on weekend swing shift, and, hey, that just happens to be the shift I work.

Anyway, this past spring, I enrolled in a vo-tech school for massage therapy (If you use good body mechanics, giving massage is very easy on the back, BTW, in case you were going to ask). Bad mistake. I dropped out after less than three months. One of the instructors took a dislike to me early on and did everything she could to make me uncomfortable until I finally quit. Just got the bill today. $3,350. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with this until I got a good paying job and had an income, but there it is. This school, by the way, has lost its accreditation, which is not an easy thing to do. I’m also finding out that most of the spas in this town will not hire graduates from that school because they have such a shitty program.

Meanwhile I’ve enrolled in the massage program at the local community college. Program’s OK, but the other students…

One of them, the class clown who, when he actually shows up for class, which isn’t very often, peppers the air with lewd and vulgar comments, made a complaint to the instructor in anatomy class that I was “grinding my hips against him” in the cadaver lab. No, I did not do this. The “incident” was cut from whole cloth. The head of the program has informed me that several students have told him that they refuse to work with me because “I make them uncomfortable”. Nothing specifc that I"ve said or done really, my personality just doesn’t mesh with the rest of the class. In other words, I don’t fit in. Great. I spend so much time and effort deferring to others an going out of my way to treat them with respect, and “I make them uncomfortable.” Most of these people are adults, not college age kids, so you’d think they would have learned that you have to work with all personality types, but no. Only I have to do that. Everybody else gets to behave like the kids in middle school who would try to run me away from the bus stop because I didn’t fit in with the pack.

Anyhoo, I have $2100 in medical bills from an emergency room visit back in January that I cant pay and the hospital refuses to work with me .I tried to make arrangements, they refuse to write anything off for an indigent patient, even though they give deep discounts to insurance companies. Oh, and this particular hospital inflates its prices so that the charges are 400% of the cost of service, so even with the discounts for insurance companies, they’re still pulling in a 200% profit. They told me that even if I made payments of $10 a month from now until kingdom come, they would still send me for collections. My mom told me not to pay them anything. She feels that if they aren’t willing to accept minimal payments, I shouldnt give them a dime. I’m inclined to agree. By law, they are required to accept, and if they would, I would be happy to make the payments, but this is Vegas, laws don’t apply here. Money applies here. Oh, and did I mention that the last job I was fired from, I lost four days after this ER visit?

Also, I’ve got about $6000 in credit card debt, have effectively abandoned one account because I wasn’t able to budget enough money to pay both my acconts. I ran up the debt by using the cards to chare doctor’s visits and expensive medication when I was without health insurance, paying the rent and utilities when mom or/and I were un- or underemployed, you know, luxuries. What I do is periodically balance transfer to a lower-interest account when the balance gets low enough to allow it without having to pay outrageous service charges. Can’t do it very often though, because I’m only able to make slightly more than minimum payments. Yeah, OK, six K may not seem like much but when you’re making eight an hour part time in a town where a $400/mo apartement goes for $680, even sharing expenses with my mom, the ends just don’t meet.

I can’t take much more. It seems like whenever I do anythig to imrove my life, it just gets worse. I get a job, lose it, and to add insult to injury, the people who the employers keep don’t do their jobs as well as I do and treat customers and coworkers like shit. I do my very best to treat others with respect, and am ostracized by my classmates because I don’t ft in. I take a shit job out of desparation, and am skirting the edges of losing it because of severe back problems made worse by the job itself, and management refuses to transfer me to another position.

Oh, and did I mention that the IRS is after me for $600 that I don"t even fucking owe them? (I use 1040 EZ, so it’s not like I’m taking deductions I’m not entitled to…)

Massage therapy is a tough industry. There are jobs out there, but it’s not a “fill in an application and get called for an interview” type of postion. You really have to go out and promote yourself, and frankly, I don’t think I have confdence to go sell myself. I’m pretty easily intimidated, and don’t really know how to get over that. So, I’ll probably be stuck with this great education and certificate working at Wal-Mart.

I don’t think my life is ever going to get any better. I’ve decided to file bankruptcy and get a clean start, but the idea of doing that is sending what little self-respect I have left straight down the shithole. Trying to do what’s right, play by the rules, and generally be a good person has gotten me where I am today- trying to climb out of a hole that just keeps getting deeper the more I try to get out. I really, truly want to turn evil, but it just isn’t in my nature to do that.

I look at my future and I see this vast grey nothing.

I’d kill myself, but I’m afraid I’d just fuck that up and end up disabled and with no income, and besides, even if I did off myself, mom would still be in deep shit because my life insurance wouldn’t pay.

I really, really would like very much to just go to sleep and never wake up again.

2

I dunno. Are we allowed to wish death on ourselves?

3

Wow, Thea…sounds like life is sucking pretty hard for you at the moment. It’s hard to offer any help, though… Vegas is a life-sucking town, and if you aren’t going make a living that has something to do with gaming, I can’t imagine why you’d stay. If I’m there for more than72 hours I want to kill myself just because of the atmosphere.

May I offer you both my sinccerest sympathy as well as my sincere admiration for your accomplishment at becoming a craps dealer. Craps dealers blow my mind…how do you ever keep it all straight?

(And why not go for a floor manager position, if that’s what they were grooming you for and staying employed is such a challenge?)

4

:frowning: Ouch! Please, hang in there? Do what you can/need to do right now to keep going on. Can you go get help, like counseling and medication for depression? It looks really bad right now, and dying may seem like just an end to pain, but TRUST ME, I’ve been there, it’s not an answer.

The best thing you can do, is to decide that you want to work to live, and do it bit by bit. Just do the things that need to get done now, and progress forward. Look for chances to laugh, or have a bit of fun you can afford, and keep fighting. It’s hard. Very hard.

First thing, claw your way up from the “emotional pit” you’ve fallen into. Get to the brink of it, turn around and begin walking away from it (mentally) slowly. I hope I’m making sense to you, I’m speaking in metaphors.

Best way to get away from the deepest part of your despair is to determine that you will keep working to get out of the situation you are in, because in the end, you do want to live and have some kind of Joy. Then start doing small things, like picking up your house, getting out of bed for work (even though you hate it), going to class, eating a meal, bathing etc.

Pamper yourself in small ways, like getting nice smelling shampoo, or pretty underthings, maybe half and half for your coffee in the morning? Give yourself small things to look forward to, and keep looking for other things to add to the list. Small things add up, and help ease your stress, and sadness, and don’t have to cost much at all. Look for tiny inexpensive “extras” that can blunt the despair a bit. (When you have things to pamper yourself with, use affirmation, look around and say “Well, at least I have these comforts, and it’s not so bad.”) Make your personal space a “sanctuary”, a peaceful wellspring with a bit of cheer if you can.

I’ve been through terrible losses within the past 3 years, and there was a year there where I just wanted to curl up and die. (Sometimes I still do, but then I get up and go on, because I don’t want to die.)

Cry if you need, let it out. Admit you feel like crap and hurt. Then, when it’s eased back to numbness, get up and do what you can do to work your way out of it. You can do this, even though it seems like it will never happen.

Sometimes, “faking it till your make it” works. Act as though you have no despair, and eventually you will learn not to despair, to have faith and forge ahead. But, also go to counseling, you need to learn why you feel so defeated, and how to avoid getting to this state again if possible.

I’m praying you pull through this, and get better Thea.

5

Shit happens in people’s lives, tends to go in cycles from what I’ve seen.

I agree with the previous poster, but I’d like to add that bankrupcy laws exist because shit happens. Filing bankrupcy will give you a chance to build your life with a clean slate from now on. It’s not a dishonour, it’s happened to a lot of people. Hang in there.

Hope your life changes soon! It will change for the better.

6

Stoid the only reason I stay is because I don’t have the money it would take to move.

Also, I didn’t wan’t to be a floorman because I didn’t want to be the person who tells players, “No, I can’t comp you dinner because the computer shows that you lost five hundred dollars over a three and a half hour period, and you have to have four hours of play for a meal comp.” Also, I did sit box quite a bit, and absolutely hated it. I couldn’t deal with the stress of being responsible for one game, let alone the whole dice pit (or four blackjack games, for that matter.)

The thing that really galls me is, in every single one of the jobs I’ve lost, there were a lot of long-term employees who had one thing in common- I wouldn’t want them working for me if I were a manager. It seems like most of the casinos in this town have a preference for bad workers.

Oh, and craps is only difficult to deal for the first six to eight months, until your brain gets used to the sensory input. After that, you just let the game take over. There is a system for setting up the bets in a postion relative to where the player is standing at the table. Also, if you remember that half the bets pay exactly the same as the other half, the game is only half as complicated as it looks.

I actually got addicted to my own adrenaline after a while. On a jammed up game. I could easily handle nine players on a table designed for eight- the first time, I botched it up and had to be pulled off the game. The second time, the boxman noticed my panicked look, said, “follow my lead,” and moved one bet. Then everything just fell into place. Best game I ever dealt. I got to the point where I needed at least six players in order to deal. On a slow game, parts of my brain would fall asleep and I would make incredibly stupid mistakes. In a totally frenzied game, I would enter a state something akin to Nirvana. Total chaos all around me, chips flying, customers yelling out bets, and I would be in the center of it all, completely relaxed, happily joking with the customers… It was like surfing the ultimate wave.

Got, look at me, waxing nostalgic over my dealing days. God, I loved that game. Maybe too much. Once left downtown, I found myself working mosty with older dealers who were totally burned out and only stayed in the business because they didn’t know how to do anything else. My entheusiasm made me really, really unpopular.

7

And to agree with MoodIndigo1 - the bankruptcy laws exist for a reason. There are people who abuse them. You certainly don’t sound like one of them.

On the job front, have you talked to temp agencies in your area? I don’t know what the job market is like there - it sounds like it’s not great at all, but they might have something that fits with your schedule better and takes your back problems into consideration. You’re obviously intelligent - hell, I couldn’t handle being a craps dealer.

As far as the school problems - make an appointment with your professor(s) and sit down to talk to them. If necessary, ask him/her to act as a facilitator between you and the other classmates. Find out why they are uncomfortable with you - it may be something that you’re not aware that you’re doing, or they could be pieces of crap acting like middle schoolers. Especially in a small class, this can be helpful.
And with all that, take half an hour a day for yourself, curled up on a bed reading, go for a walk around the block, whatever makes you happy and is a simple pleasure. It never pulls me out of a funk or a depression, but it is simply a change in my daily routine, that’s all. And I find that’s a little helpful.

8

heart goes out to Thea

And, well I hear you. I’m sitting in a city not my own, sleeping on a friends floor and relying on the kindness of others to survive. I have no income, no job, although I am trying hard to get one.

I love someone far from me.

And I think I am slowly starving. I mean that in the most literal sense. In the last week I have eaten about four slices of slices of bread. Oddly I do not feel weak yet. I suppose I shall at some point.

Right now that last part simply does not bother me.

Note: I want the sympathy of no-one, nor the pity of any. I guess in many ways I just wished to express my best to the OP. Try to hang on

9

I mean this in the nicest way possible. Please hold on to your backbone. If you lose your backbone, make sure to get another one.
Suicide is the most selfish act you can perform. Yo uthink your mom would be in deep shit if your life insurance didn’t pay? Think about the shit she would go through after you fucking KILLED YOURSELF!

Move back home for God’s sake.

Once again, I mean that in the nicest and most sympathetic way possible. I just wanted to point otu the obvious.

10

Lsura You’ve taken my thoughts a step further. Yes, that’s what I was trying to say. Simple pleasures can help heal. Whether it’s by having real cream for your coffee, or going out, and smelling the crisp autumn air and looking at the stars, find the simple pleasures that you enjoy, and go back to doing them.

Ilsa_Lund Though you meant well, and I can see the point you are trying to make, your words to Thea seem to me to come off as a brow beating, which will not help. She’s beating herself up enough already, and feeling bad as it is. You could have been more “gently blunt” when you administered your “tough love”.

Thea Is it possible for you to move back home? Even though it might sting your ego, it might ease other stresses, so you could get back up, and walking. Give it a thought, and maybe grit your teeth and do it? Do what is necessary to climb out of the pits (financial and emotional) you’ve found yourself in. Let us know how you are doing too. We care about you.

11

UnwrittenNocturne, maybe you and I could get together and do some cyber-drinking.

Please, please, please tell me that the reason you’re not eating is not because your friends won’t share their food with you. I have been through fits of depression so severe I literally couldn’t eat. I lived on Slim-Fast for a while a couple of years back because it was all my stomach would let in. You might want to try it, assuming your friends will maybe spring for a twelve-pack of a cheap off-brand. Trust me, it doesn’t last long. After about two weeks, your body starts screaming for food so loudly you have to eat no matter how much you don’t feel like it.

Zabali, a substantial portion of that credit card debt was for doctor’s visits because of depression, and to pay for Prozac. I’ve actually been on three different anti-depressants over the years, and they all quit working after a few months. I really didn’t want to get into a cycle of drug quits working, up the dosage, quite working, up the dosage. Plus, side effects, not pleasant.

12

Thea Logica I have simply no appetite, nor money anyway. I will however take you up any time on the cyber-drinking

13

Thea Logica, I’ve just come back from an unintentionally slightly hellish visit with my family. I can’t add to the good advice you’ve already been given, but I can tell you that I’m here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to scream at in lieu of the universe in general. I’ve found there are times when it helps to take a step back and say, “No wonder I’m depressed – my life stinks!”

Stay with us, lady. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts to much to want to lose you.

CJ

14

Oh, and BTW, I’ve been living with my mom for five years. We both were doing OK for a while, but for the past couple of years, she’s also been having job problems. Twice in the space of a month, she was hired, then the employer decided that they didn’t have the time or inclination to train her, and fired her. She just got a new job, after being out of work for six months, the same week her (meager) unemployment benefits ran out.

So, moving home, not an option. I’m already there. Between the two of us we don"t have the money to move.

Actually, once I finish school, I’m thinking about sending my resume to resort spas in the Ozarks. I don’t know why, but something about the idea of living in the Ozarks appeals to me. Where I’ll get the money, I don’t know, hopefully with my mom working again we’ll be able to sock some money away. Frankly, I wouldn’t mind supporting her so she can retire early, if I could make enough money. She’s helped me out a lot over the years.

15

Sending you fondest thoughts. Is there anything church can do to help, by the way?

Hope things are looking up for you as soon as they can! Any other industries that you could get into?

16

Have you considered counseling? In my area, if you can prove that you have no money, the county mental health center will give you free therapy and meds, if you want/need them. I worked for a non-profit counseling center and I know that numerous people got services for free, or damn near. Depression is a vicious cycle, as you know. I know what you mean about the side effects of the drugs, but there have been many advances and it’s worth looking into again.

17

arrgh. Counseling. Been there, even had two years of Jungian analysis. Didn’t help. One counsellor I had only made me worse. I was doing a lot of cutting, and she did a wonderful job of pushing me over the edge to actually trying to kill myself.

I just came home from work with my new snuggle pillow. They were on sale, and I’ve been wanting one, so, what the hey. It’s big and purple. My cat Schrodinger has expressed curiosity. He was actually beside me most of the day, and he’s lying on my bed now, being fuzzy. When you’re depressed, there’s really nothing like a big cat curled up beside you purring comfortingly. Unless it’s two cats. I’m trying to coax Conan into joining us.

18

That’s a nice goal. I’ve driven through the Ozarks, and it is really peaceful and pretty. (Nothing like my beloved Yosemite, of course, but lovely in its own way.)

So hang onto the Ozarks plan. It’s a good one.

I haven’t been in the level of dispair that you have, Thea, but I’ve been in a mood (for months) where I only wished to go to sleep and never wake up. I know how awful it can be.

I know in previous posts you’ve mentioned your religious faith. I assume that you have done a lot of praying, etc., about your situtation, and I figure that you will continue to do so. I know that my religious faith really helped pull me out of my very bad depression. I finally got to the point where I prayed to God that if he wanted me to live (rather than “exist” as an atomaton) that He’d have to fix it for me. I’d given up and I knew I could do no more. I’d tried and tried and tried and I just could not beat the depression and the mind-numbing horribleness of it all. When I made that prayer, the depression started to lift. I just plugged away, day by day, and finally it got better. A LOT better. I am forever grateful for that.

I know that we are all different and our religious backgrounds are different, so what might work for me might not work for you. Please know that my good thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. I think you should take many of the suggestions on this thread, because they are sound. Good luck to you.

19

One recurrent theme I’m seeing is that you are apparently not the “add, stir, and serve” type of person when it comes to mixing with others and being part of the group. (Wow can I ever relate to that!) Not all, but certainly a good portion of counseling, is inclined to posit a healthy human norm and to perceive individuals who are different and don’t always fit in as being somewhere short of the healthy human norm and therefore in need of change (i.e., there is a problem and it resides within them). While there’s no doubt that some people don’t mix well because they have the personality of a fingernail screeching on chalkboard, don’t accept and internalize that form of self-blame without good reason. I myself am one of those people who can’t often fit in and mix well, and there are jobs where being “one of the group” is an unspoken (even unconscious and unacknowledged) job requirement and it played seriously destructive havoc with my attempts to be an employed person until I gravitated to professions where it was less of a factor.

As others have said, yeah, go for the change of venue if you can swing it.

And sorry things are running so bitter for you now.

20

Wow. i enjoy hearing these stories (macabre as it may be) as it makes me realize i am not the only one on earth with problems and that my problems are not that bad.

Have you thought of getting an education in something else? maybe a 1 or 2 year degree is possible.

Also getting a 3rd roommate could help with the bills.